The nutcase's guide to festival going (Festivals in general)

Member Name: LittleEwok

Product:	Festivals in general
Date:	26/04/05 (1380 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: the atmosphere, the music , the people (at most of them anyway)

Disadvantages: the cost, the discomfort, the few idiots who spoil it for the rest of us

WARNING- this is a pretty long review. Feel free to get bored and wander off halfway through.

I consider myself a bit of a festival veteran at the grand old age of 20, and I’ve been reading some of the festivals in general reviews. I thought I’d take a different spin on it and give a guide to how to survive festivals with at least some of your mental health intact, followed by some of my personal experiences…sorry it’s a bit long! So here’s my no holds barred guide to how to get through a festival in one piece (and hopefully still with your liver intact).


Things you should take


Absolute essentials

Tent- Where else are you going to hide your booze?

Sleeping bag- Most useful for sneaking illegal items into festivals grounds…sorry did I say that out loud?

Ground mat- more comfy than lying on stony ground, although if you get p***ed enough it wont matter.

Torch- For climbing over those totally unnecessary guy ropes at 3am and avoiding falling asleep in the wrong tent (which you will probably do anyway).

Bog roll- lots of it. Useful for paper maiche, wetting and throwing at people, toilet rolling tents…oh and possibly for going to the bathroom.

Matches/lighter- to set fire to the tents of the people “Next door” when they refuse to stop playing happy hardcore at 7am.

Water container- one of the huge square bottles of water that carry about 5 litres is a good idea, plus a small one for carrying about during the day

Sun block/lotion- sensible although this might seem wildly optimistic.

Rainproof jacket- much more realistic.

Bin bag- for sitting on when it gets wet and putting your rubbish in if you are have any sense of common decency, which evidently festival goers don’t. Also doubles as a rainproof jacket.

Heavy boots/trainers/wellies- for wearing and hammering in tent pegs.

At least one complete change of clothing- There is always one idiot who thinks they can not change all weekend, forgetting about the fact that this IS Britain and there is likely to be rain/wind/snow/hurricanes at some point.

Money- this might come in handy, though I don’t know what for.

Condoms- Because every hairy looking hippies look good when you’re that smashed.

Booze- What? Of course its essential!


Handy

Plastic bags- for the inside of you shoes (put on a pair of socks, then a plastic bag, then another pair of socks then your shoes. Keeps your feet dry).

Tarpaulin- to sit on

Penknife- Not at T in the park thought unless you want it shoved through your eye by someone tanked on Buckfast and speed.

Basic Toiletries- Not totally essential, because if you abuse enough booze during the weekend you probably will not remember to use any of these, but for the sake of other people you should at least attempt to smell presentable. Note for the girly girls reading this, basic toiletries does not include a 5kg makeup case or two litres of Chanel perfume.

Plasters and painkillers- especially the latter. You will probably need morphine for your headache by Monday morning though, so don’t expect miracles.

Vaseline- now don’t be dirty. Great for when you wake up with dry lips after too much Somerset cider, and unsticking stuck zips. Also handy for situations where idiots decide to get their fingers stuck in glass beer bottles, as my friend done last year.

Camping stove- plus easy food like baked beans, pot noodles etc. If you know how to make Chai tea, take stuff for that too…nothing better than Chai in the morning after a heavy night.

Portable CD player- will get nicked so get a cheapie!

Air mattress- if you can really be bothered it makes things way comfier until some idiot punctures it.
Fags/Rizlas, etc.

Chairs- try to get a few if you are going in a group., you always wish you have them when your sitting on the wet grass.


Don’t take

A camping mallet- boots work fine

Glass bottles- banned at most festivals but they don’t usually check. They smash too easily and there might always be some nutter around who may use them as a weapon. Best to decant everything into plastic bottles as cans are messy for the cleanup crew as well.

Anything you are afraid of losing

Fireworks- Not really so funny if you set someone’s tent on fire, as I have seen happen (fortunately its occupant was out so we saw the funny side).

Three gallons of makeup- You’re not going clubbing at G.A.Y so get over yourself.


Festivals for girls

Whilst not a particularly girly girl, I don’t particularly like wandering around looking like a troll. For both girly and non girly girlies to look their best, a few minimum bits and bobs will keep you looking reasonably cute.

Firstly, to avoid looking like a total idiot, avoid packing an enormous bag of clothes, makeup and total non-essentials. It just makes you look stupid and you will NOT look good after lugging it around for ages, unless you like sweating eyeliner all over your face.

Get one of those Ziploc food bags and fill it with the following essentials- one waterproof eyeliner pencil, waterproof mascara, one lip liner pencil (mixed with Vaseline works as lippy), Vaseline, and a book of that powder paper that takes shine off your face…Superdrug do cheap ones. Pick one or two fave eyeshadows if you really fancy, but remember it will all slide off after a couple of hours. Forget the expensive face cleansing wipes…get cheap unscented, unbranded baby wipes, they will do the trick fine. Plus a small bottle of moisturiser. This should stop you from looking TOO much like Swampy.


Festivals on a shoestring budget (or how to do the student thang)

Firstly, avoid the biggies like Glastonbury. On the off chance you are lucky enough to get a bloody ticket, you will be forking out way over a hundred quid. Instead look for smaller local festivals, The Wickerman in Scotland, for example, is a great example of festival that you have to pay under £50 quid to get into. They are just as much fun and usually friendlier than the biggies, and there’s lots less crime!

A good way of getting free entry to festivals is working for your ticket. The biggies like Glasto have thousands of places for Oxfam stewards, plus car park staff and perimeter fence staff, plus litter pickers and the like. Usually what happens is you pay a deposit, work your shifts at the festival and then get your deposit back. This is a great way to meet new people as well as get lots of festival fun!

Take your own booze. Expect to pay well over the odds for alcohol at the festival. Try sneaking a little bottle into the main site as well, but if you get caught don’t blame me. Take a water bottle for filling up instead of buying tonnes of water at £1.50 a pop while you’re there.

If they are allowed, take a small camping stove and be prepared to live off baked beans, pot noodles and the like. Works out tonnes less than buying meals at a fiver each! Alternately take lots of drugs and don’t eat at all (just kidding).

Stay away from the stalls. No-one needs an ironic “Paralytic” T-shirt or a giant Guinness hat.

Be enterprising. I know more than one mate whose made a fast buck at festivals by selling one of the following- Chai tea, spare tent pegs and hash cookies. If you get arrested for selling something naughty I take no responsibility!


Security-

Camp as far away from central area as possible. More people traffic means more pinching. Never tell people if you are camping alone. Don’t bring anything you cant afford to lose. Consider things that aren’t costly but are valuable to you anyway…favourite band t-shirts etc. My friend had a signed Franz Ferdinand T nicked and he was VERY upset, so old clothes only! Try and make your tent identifiable with flag poles or spray paint so you can find it in the dark when utterly wasted. However, use your noggin…flying an English flag at T in the Park will get you scalped. Making friends with your neighbours will mean you can look after each others stuff. Don’t padlock your tent…if someone really wants in they can slash it, and a padlock just says…lookie I have something worth stealing!

While sleeping hide your money in several different places in your tent, so if some gets nicked its not too tragic. Better still, sleep with your wallet in your pocket and zipped right up into your bag…unless you’ve been at Michael Eavis’s scrumpy you should wake up if someone tries to pickpocket you! Whilst in the main arena, have all your money on you…in a zipped pocket or bag.


Health advice

Make sure and drink a couple of litres of water in a day. Don’t guzzle though as you will constantly be at the toilet. Using electrolyte powders to replace lost minerals and fluids is good, as is the odd isotonic sports drink.

If you aren’t a vegetarian, being one for the festival weekend is not a bad idea…food poisoning abounds in places like this and any meat you do eat will probably be dog food quality.

If you get totally drunk you will spend your festival throwing up and sleeping…did you really pay £100 for a ticket just to do that?

Pack for all weather conditions…waterproofs and sun lotion (you never know).

For your own sanity do not arrive so late that you have to pitch your tent in the dark. Unless you like having the same stress levels as a Wall Street investment guy.

Contrary to popular opinion, festivals really are not a good place to try drugs for the first time. They are too loud, too crowded and too trippy.


Common courtesy

Don’t pinch other peoples stuff. People like you are what makes festivals crap.

Don’t buy those bloody foghorns…they are very irritating and asking for a slap. Same goes for stupid hats!

There is no need for guy ropes at festivals…we’re in Britain not Cuba during hurricane season! All they are is a health hazard!

Guys, if you want to pee there are plenty of bloody urinals to visit. Michael Eavis nearly got prosecuted for polluting the water because of all the lazy swines who couldn’t be bothered to find the toilets. DON’T DO IT!

Please leave the place as you found it. Most festivals are situated in beautiful areas and lets keep them that way please!


Why?

Festivals rock. The first thing to know about going to a festival is DON’T go just to see one band. The chances that they will cancel (a’la Bowie at last years T in the Park) are not altogether slim. The great thing about a festival is the variety, You are bound to discover one new favourite band that weekend what with all the random music tents to wander into. The bigger festivals are great for learning new things…everything from reverse bungee jumping to ska dancing, and being catapulted over the perimeter fence in a bid to get in free is also a new experience. The atmosphere at festivals is completely unbeatable, everyone’s so hyper and usually pretty friendly, its nice to be in a crowd of people that doesn’t involve everyone scowling and avoiding each others gaze, as we are so commonly used to. Its also fantastic for meeting new people. Of course, the chances are you will never see them again in your life, but you can always bank on meeting some interesting characters at festivals.

You will undoubtedly see some hilarious, insane and ridiculous sights during your festival visits…some of my favourite moments include seeing a truck dressed as an elephant driving slowly through the Glastonbury ground playing techno with girls dressed as fairies dancing on top, and seeing a pair of enterprising lads carrying a SOFA to their tent area at T in the Park. Not an inflatable sofa, a regular one. Without a doubt, my greatest festival moment was at last years Glastonbury, climbing up the hill at the back of the green fields. When you reach the top and turn around, all you can see is this enormous, beautiful site with ant-like people, thousands of tents and beautiful shimmering lights everywhere. I wish I could bottle that feeling I had and have it with me at all times!


Why not?

For the more comfort loving types among us, festivals can be hell on earth. British festivals are more often than not muddy pits during a weekend of rain, gales and freezing temperatures. Festivals get really uncomfortable unless you spend your entire weekend trashed or are a very frugal person…the lumpy ground, the cramp in the morning from sleeping with soggy jeans on, the freezingness of the early morning followed by the intense heat in your tent when (if) the sun comes out. Its definitely not a place for girlie girls…high heels, lip gloss and Glastonbury just don’t go! Some people get stupidly drunk and wasted and not only ruin their weekend, feel the need to ruin yours as well!

Travelling to and from festivals is a real pain, and the car park/bus station is ALWAYS miles from the nearest camping spot, meaning you have to lug a heavy bag for miles and miles which is horrible, because of course you wanted to arrive all fresh and clean knowing you wouldn’t have a bath for three days, now you’re sweating like a pig. My friend gets around this by taking a sledge to festivals and piling the booze in it…easier than carrying it! Festivals are not cheap either, especially the biggies. You have to sell a kidney to get to Glasto these days, but if cost is a factor its worth checking out the smaller festivals like Scotland’s Wicker Man because they are a lot cheaper, but being smaller are much more friendly, suitable for kids and dogs and nearly always have great music.

Having your stuff nicked is the nightmare of all festival goers. Our booze got pinched last year, luckily that was all that got taken. See my hints for keeping your stuff as safe as possible. Festivals have no small amount of health risks involved…hypothermia, sunstroke, alcohol and food poisoning are all possibilities! What with the bad food and the toilets, you’d expect more people to get sick!

On that note, the number one worst thing about any festival is the toilets. You know something is wrong when Portaloos are the best of several bad options. The slurry pits with the metal cubicles suspended over them are even worse…yuck! There is always an idiot who thinks its funny to tip a portaloo over while someone is in it…if you see one of these people scalp them. If only there was some way of stopping yourself from needing the bathroom for the entire weekend.


Some of my favourite festival moments

Watching the sun rise at Glastonbury 2004 right up at the top of the Greenfields. OK, so it was cloudy and it took a lot longer for the sun to come out than it should have done (in fact I believe it was about 8am), but when it did, it was truly spectacular…its an incredibly beautiful place, even with the portaloos.

Orbital at Glasto 2004- I wanted to see their last ever gig at T in the Park, but sadly the Pixies were playing at the same time…what kind of idiots made the schedule! Anyway, the atmosphere at Glasto was probably better, seeing as they played outside and the crowd was enormous…and of course, their version of the Dr Who theme was pretty unbeatable. Truly the end of an era.

Snow Patrol singing “Run” at last years Glastonbury- The most evocative and gorgeous song I’ve heard in a long while, not kidding you when I say a good portion of the audience were in buckets of tears.

Pixies at T in the Park 2004- Sadly I was a bit on the drunk side and cannot remember this as well as I’d like, but it was still a wonderful experience, despite their reserved stage manner they have the ability to hold the audience totally captive…possibly because Frank Black now resembles a young killer whale and takes up most of the video screens…see you at the next reunion tour!

T in the Park 2002- everything about it was just perfect. The weather was beautiful, the line-up was perfect, and Idlewild singing their anthem American English just as the sun was going down was absolutely wonderful.

Cooper temple clause at TITP 2001 (I think)- Their first T in the Park performance, most of the baggy indie fans looked rather bemused as much guitar abuse and screaming went on upon the stage, but I loved every minute of it and they became my new favourite band. You gotta love a band with the daftest haircuts on the planet and a bassist called “Didz”.

Glastonbury 1998- Also known as “The year of the mud”. It was wet, it was horrible, it was disgusting, but it was my first Glastonbury and I had a bloody good time anyway! Needless to say the moving mud statues and mudmen did not discourage me from going again!

The Wicker Man festival- its always brilliant, just because its so small and friendly, much less scary than some of the biggies…good for a virgin festival goer! Also the tickets are about half what you pay for some of the biggies.


And some of the worst-

Paul McCartney at Glasto 04- Sorry Paul, but you were bad. Really, really bad. Sort of like watching your embarrassing granddad trying to be “down and hip” with the young people. Pains me to say this, as I love Paul McCartney, but it must be said. I was a bit disappointed.

Coming home from Glastonbury 1998- do you have any idea what its like travelling home for around 12 hours in a Jeep that cant go more than 60mph, on the motorway for hours, absolutely covered top to toe in mud? I was in tears by the end of that.

Leeds festival- OK, it was the year of Metallica so I really shouldn’t have expected much, but I found it all a bit intimidating. There was a lot of aggressive people around (even more so than at T in the Park, where everyone is smashed on Buckfast and looking for a fight), and way too many fires (camp fires, bin fires, peoples heads on fire, etc.) for my liking.

Losing a shoe crowd surfing whilst listening to Super Furry Animals- one of my favourite shoes. Which then got thrown at the Super Furry Animals. Not by me. Lesson number one learned: Girls should not crowd surf unless they want to get groped and lose many items of clothing.

Insects, and hail…yes HAIL at Palgowan dance festival- Held in the sunny heart of Dumfries/Galloway (I.e. out in the middle of nowhere by a pine forest full of the biggest insects you have every seen), this was really more of a rave than a festival. But it was really out in the sticks, more so than most other festivals and as such the midges where an unbelievable nightmare. I came home covered in huge red welts…I think they were vampire midges. And just to top off the midge bites, on the last day of the festival it starting HAILING!!!! I kid you not. Hail in the middle of August, after a boiling hot weekend. Trust the Scottish weather.



I’m looking forward to five festivals this year…Glastonbury, Glade festival, T in the park, Leeds and the Wicker Man. If you can stomach the rough living and the toilets for a few days, festivals are really worth the money and the squalor. I think its something everyone should try at least once, because you just cant beat a big music festival for the great people, the atmosphere and the music!

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