Ibiza Uncovered... "bol**cks" (Ibiza)

Member Name: The Dutty Hooer

Product:	Ibiza
Date:	04/11/01 (1023 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Clubs, Atmosphere, Scenery

Disadvantages: Overcommercialised, High proportion of very rough looking people, Not very original!

For as long as I can remember, Ibiza has had the worst reputation for being an alcoholic’s/slappa’s/stud’s/sun worshipper’s/pill popper’s/raver’s haven. So when my friend booked a week staying in typical Brit resort “San An” I was somewhat shocked (seeing as I’ve never really considered myself any of the above… well, alcy to a certain extent and a slappa on the odd occasion, but nothing out of the ordinary), yet also excited at the prospect of staging my very own “Ibiza Uncovered”.

I had the usual parenty type warning from my darling Mumsy: “Don’t sleep around; don’t do drugs; don’t drink too much; watch out for Spanish drivers; and never ever get on the back of a moped!!!” Pretty good advice really. But rich coming from the woman who herself went to Ibiza in it’s heyday in the late 1960s and got up to God knows what!

1. How to get started
We booked through Going Places and were sold the typical young, dumb (and thankfully not full of c*m) person’s deal i.e. an Escapades holiday! However, we were told that although it was similar to an 18-30s holiday, we wouldn’t be made to down scarily large amounts of cocktails, race along a beach wearing nothing but a nipple clamp and then simulate sex with some fat bloke in Speedos reclining on a sun lounger. So we were left to assume that our holiday would be a nice mixture of peace, tranquillity, sun and a bit of clubbing/drinking when we felt up to it…

I forget how much we paid in total now, but it was quite reasonable seeing as it was a late deal (booked about 1 month in advance). The price included flights, accommodation (self catering) and transfers from Eivissa Airport, plus the wholesome and supposedly “safe” feeling of having a rep there to offer us “good” advice! We flew from Manchester on the 15th June, which is a good time to go because al
l the clubs are opening for the new season and the first nights are usually the best with fancy “shows” and top DJs. Plus it’s not as busy as you’d think for the time of year, so the beaches are quieter and the clubs are a bit less packed. The aiport is about ½ drive away from San Antonio, if transfers aren’t included in the price of your holiday then taxis are really easy to find at the aiport and they shouldn’t cost too much.

2. Where to stay
We stayed in San Antonio somewhere behind the Westend, which is the main bar area where basically everyone gets:
a) hammered
b) more hammered
c) ratar**d
d) sh*tfaced
e) pukingly drunk
f) laid by greasy locals, smarmy flyer boys (or girls!), tanked up Britons specifically out on the pull!
The flat was small (a lot smaller than we expected) but it was clean and fairly quiet, and let’s face it we weren’t in there much anyway. A bed, a shower, a toilet, a fridge and a mirror are basically all you need! Plus it was less than a 2-minute walk away from the beach and a 20-minute walk away from a really nice beach. Anyway, hotels are normally decided on before you go and you can seek advice from the travel agent, or you can just do what we did and pick the cheapest! There are some really nice complexes and more expensive hotels if you fancy splashing out. But San An is definitely the place for cheap and tacky. If you’re looking for something a bit more exclusive then head for Ibiza Town, at the other end of the island or Portinatx, which is more family based (as opposed to screaming groups of drunk scallies). If clubbing is what you’re into, then San Antonio is a good base, as it’s really easy to get to the major clubs, buses run quite frequently to San Rafael, which is where two of the island’s biggest clubs are situated.

3. What to eat
Yeh ok so it’s Ibiza and intoxicating liquor is the top of everyon
e’s shopping list (cheap Absinthe!), but for all that clubbing and sunbathing you’re going to need some energy. Buying British-branded food from the little supermarkets along the main front is a complete rip off. I think I paid something stupid like three pounds for a box of 12 Weetabix! But because we were self catering, we had to buy the essentials like bread and milk and stuff for snacks and a quick lunch. But in all honestly, it’s a lot cheaper and a lot nicer to eat out (and I mean all the time!) Because although we set off with really good intentions about cooking for ourselves, the restaurant down the road was far too tempting! English breakfasts are a perfect hangover cure and are available just about anywhere, aswell as traditional Spanish (not just paella!), Indian, Chinese and Italian. It’s just like being home! We tended to go for the nearest, but you can scout around and probably find somewhere fairly cheap.

4. What to buy
Erm, Sangria?

5. Clubs/Bars
Well, what can I say? Here, you’re spoiled for choice…

Ibiza Town is home of the infamous Pacha aswell as loads of bars and clubs that I can’t for the life of me remember the name of!

Residing in San Antonio, are Eden (Judge Jules was playing here every Sunday) and Es Paradis and the Westend (cheesy bars with loads of drink offers aswell as clubs playing everything from eighties to tacky pop to dance to Indie) plus loads of bars along the front such as Bar M and Kanga. We spent quite a lot of time in the Westend, in the earlier part of the week when we just couldn’t be mithered to find the “real” clubs, you see, tack and cheese is our thing so we absolutely loved it! Alcohol consumption to rocket levels helps to enjoy the “unique” atmosphere of the Westend!

You’ll find Amnesia (home of Cream and Godskitchen) and Privilege (Manumission on a Monday night) located in San Rafael, a
small town about halfway between San Antonio and Ibiza Town, on the main road. We went to all these opening nights and although I can’t really comment on the clubs in San Antonio itself, the ones in San Rafael were excellent. My favourite night had to be Godskitchen, which was held on the Tuesday. Tall Paul and Mauro Picotto were playing and they put on a really good night. Most of the clubs don’t really kick off til around 1 or 2 in the morning and they don’t shut til 5 or 6, but that evening was rocking from when we went in about midnight. The dancefloor and the terrace were packed after about 1am and you couldn’t move on the main dancefloor, but the air-con was on full blast so you don’t have to worry about dropping down dead with the heat! This particular opening party had an aquatic theme so there were loads of freaky men in white lycra jumpsuits holding up giant psychadelic jellyfish with streaming tentacles (no I’m not mad and neither was I on drugs, but I understand if you’re reading this it probably sounds a bit weird!) and half naked mermaids riding around on trollies!
WARNING!
- If you do go to Amnesia be prepared for the smoke blasting gun thingy. This is situated on the left side of the dancefloor about halfway up and I recommend that you do not stand right beside it when it decides to go off. Because believe me you sh*t your pants! Then you think you’re going to die… the music usually stops for about 5 seconds and then a massive blast of freezing cold white smoke shoots in the air. It seems to last forever, you feel like you can’t breathe and you can’t see a thing. So keep tight hold of your friends and hold your breath!
- Be prepared to pay loads for drinks, even a bottle of water costs about £4. This is standard for most of the clubs, not just Amnesia.
- Watch out for drugs if drug taking isn’t or indeed is your thaaaaaaaang. You will almost certainly be offered t
hem or even asked if you sell them. I don’t think the clubs condone drug taking so if you do decide to get off your tits then be wary of burly bouncer types and the possibility of CCTV. Obviously, you won’t have any idea where they’re coming from so they may or may not be good stuff. I didn’t do anything and in all honesty I didn’t see anyone have any bad experiences the whole time I was there, but I suppose you can never be too careful.

The Cream night at Amnesia was also good but the music and the atmosphere wasn’t quite on a par with Godskitchen.

Manumission at Privilege was certainly a night to remember, but I’ve got to say that everything that’s said about it, I found it to be a bit of a disappointment. I think it’s a bit overhyped, but saying that, the club itself is wicked. I’d definitely go back!

The clubs have such a different atmosphere to the bars in the Westend, but that’s the great thing because there’s something for everyone. I was quite surprised by the seriousness of all the clubbers, everyone seemed either really into their drugs or really into the music. But the atmosphere was undeniably friendly everywhere I went and I felt like there was always someone watching out for me so it felt safe!

6. What to do
This may seem like a bit of a stupid thing to put. Everyone knows what people come to Ibiza for… don’t they?
Well, as me and my friend found out there is a lot more to Ibiza than people give it credit for. If you can be bothered to get out and explore the island, you’ll find that it’s such a beautiful place and there is actually gorgeous scenery beyond the grey buildings of San Antonio. The best way by far is to hire a car, this is surprisingly cheap and if one member of the party is over 21 and holds a full driving license then it’s really easy. We hired a Renault Kangoo through Avis for three days and I
must say it was the best thing we did all week!

We drove right round the island, the company should supply you with a map when you rent out the car and driving in Spain is a lot easier than you think it’ll be. Just remember to drive on the right and don’t get confused taking left hand turns or at roundabouts and you’ll be fine! We went to the main cities like Ibiza Town and Portinatx but we also decided the best thing would be to explore the smaller villages and the coastal areas. The inland area is quite pretty but it’s all much the same so I would say it’s not really worth bothering with (however you have to drive right across the island to get practically anywhere, so you get used to the barren scenery). My favourite places were the south of the island, on the coast, where there are some gorgeous rocky beaches (Es Cubells where there’s also a really nice restaurant right on the beach that’s quite expensive but does fantastic seafood) and the north easterly part of the island where there’s a nudist beach for those of you who are feeling somewhat brave!! This beach was absolutely stunning and you don’t have to go nude if you don’t want to. It’s well worth a visit, if not for the beach, for all the old naked people you can have a good giggle at (immature I know!) There are some interesting caves to the North-West of Portinatx which have fantastic stalagtite and stalagmite formations, if you’re interested in that sort of thing! If you’re not then the views from the top of the cliff are worth a look.

If after all that, you don’t fancy hiring a car, then most of these places are accessible by bus (though how frequently they run I don’t know, that’s assuming you’d feel safe on a bus travelling along clifftop roads!) The island is small so it doesn’t take long to get anywhere, I think the drive from San An to Ibiza Town took less then an hour. Al
so, if you’re prepared not to drink, then hiring a car is a really good way to get to the clubs that are in San Rafael (or in Ibiza Town if you’re staying in San Antonio), as getting a taxi all the time could work out expensive and it’s a lot more reliable than the bus (safer too cos the main road around San Rafael is really dodge and there’s been loads of accidents involving cars knocking over people coming out of the clubs).

Erm, what else is there? Shop I suppose. Apart from the alcohol/duty free, you can probably pick up bargains in the clothing department (branded sportswear and designer labels are likely to be cheaper than you’d find in Britain) and also music (you can generally find cd’s that you wouldn’t be able to get in Britain, such as underground dance and house music).

Go slingshotting! There’s one on the front right next to Es Paradis. I’m a coward I didn’t try it. But for those of you who don’t know, the slingshot is basically like a reverse bungee jump, where two people sit in a small seat like thing, which is held on elastic. And when the nice man holding it down decides to let go, you, the person with you and the seat you’re sitting on shoot right up into the air at a force of something which I presume feels like 10 000 gs!!!

Talk to people! Quite obvious I know and probably not so much of a problem when you’re in a big group but we went in a two and although we got on superbly, it did feel a bit isolated at times. There were some pretty groovy people out there, but I’m afraid I just couldn’t be arsed to make an effort, which I now regret. So get off your backsides and approach people, cos I’m sure everyone would be friendly and meeting someone new always livens things up!

7. Things to Remember
- travel insurance!
- condoms!
- The warning about the smoke gun in Amnesia!
- Don’t drink the water! r>- Some people, however friendly they seem, could be a bit dodgy. So I would say, if you’re a woman, then don’t go back to someplace or with someone you don’t know. And stick together cos there’s safety in numbers.


Well, I think that’s all from me. I hope that helps anyone who is planning to go to Ibiza. Just remember, there is a lot more to the island than most people realise. I think to get the best out of your hols, Ibiza is the place to go to combine clubs and great nightlife with sun, sand, sea, sex, gorgeous scenery and also a good view of traditional Spanish lifestyle for the more cultured amongst you. Ha ha! I found that Ibiza wasn’t anything like I thought it’d be and was everything like I thought it wouldn’t be (does that make sense? Go and you’ll see what I mean!) Ibiza Uncovered is a load of boll**ks, if you want to dance on the bar with your tits out, then fine… but really Ibiza is what you make it to be.

Oh! And if you happen to drive through Sant Gertuidis de Fruitera or Sant Joan de Labritja, then think of me cos they are the alter egos of my friend and I (Saint Gertrude of Fruit and Saint Joan of Labia, in English)!

Have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!