Jackelope Hunting in Oklahoma (Oklahoma)

Name: Cammij

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Product:	Oklahoma
Date:	21/11/03 (966 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Wide spaces, GoodMusic, Cheap

Disadvantages: Jackelopes, Jackelopes

On our recent grand American West Bus Tour we had an occassion to stop in Oklahoma.(see prior opinion for background info) We did not exactly go to Oklahoma, no one goes to Oklahoma, they pass through there, it isn't a destination, just a huge empty vaccuum in the Middle of America that people need to pass through to actually get somewhere that they want to go. What is the most succinct way to describe Oklahoma? How about this, when the United States government was content with only murdering the local heathens back in the 1820s- 1840s they decided that instead of finishing them all off they would send them to the most desolate and barren place they knew of, which, you guessed it, was Oklahoma. The people that got resettled there did ultimately get the last laugh a la the bedouins in Saud, they found some Texas Tea on their land. But if you want to see oil pumps in action....I see that motion with my wrist any time that Pink is on the TV.

So I was driving this school bus full of 25 eastern european women and my best friends and we stopped at a filling station near Oklahoma City (real creative, they are, name their capital after their state). At this filling station they had all these Amerind handicrafts, incidentally most were made by American Indians who had moved to China. They had all those dream catchers and tourquoise jewelry and leather dobobs and T-shirts with wolves on them, silver jewelry with stones whose names sound like Amish men, Tom toms and moccasins. These girls I had with me were very intrigued by all of this. And then the holy grail of tourist trophies...the mounted Jackelope.

Now I want to mention that a certain cretin in our entourage has a habit of going to estate auctions and buying other peoples hunting trophies. Seriously, it is true, he has deer that other people shot, fish that other people caught and collector plates that other people bought all across America and Canada. I figured he'd buy one of these farm

raised Jackelopes to put on his wall.
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What is a jackelope? A jackelope is the tacit reminder of the dangers of evolution, or should I say Eviloution. People are far more worried about species that are going extinct instead of this ferocious beast that has recently emerged in nature and should be exterminated. Even Heydrich at the Wannsee conference mentioned to that bald headed guy played by Stanley Tucci that "Wenn wir haben allen die Untermenchsen Sterben Dann den zuerst Tier sollt dem Tschackalop sterben" Basically A jackelope is a creature that is similar to a giant hare and a buck deer. It is an oddity like a platypus with no real plausible explanation to its origins, it stumps the creationists and atheists alike. American Indian lore ascribes magic and punishment, while others talk about the scientist Yakob who used science to create this malicious fiend after he created white people. A jackelope is basically a giant Hare but he has a rack of razor sharp antlers on his head. He destroys crops by the hectare. Did you know that rabbits were introduced to Britain as an act of war? Likewise Jackelopes threaten the world with starvation, all crops West of the Mississipii river are in danger of Jackelopes unless these killer bees finally show up to annialate every living thing. Some scientists have said the first pair of jackelopes to cross the Mississippi, where no natural predators such as the condor, wolves or Crocodiles live, will be an"Ecological Armageddon". The American farmers feeds 36 people, likewise each mature Jackelope by his destruction starves 15 Somalians per year.

Jackelopes were first discovered by Europeans during Coronados expedition across America's southwest in the 16th century. He also saw the first tornado which terrified him and his men, but the priest Antonio Las Casas at one point wrote that they prayed another tornado would come and sweep away all the Chacalopas. Later Lewis
and
Clark went across the Lousiana purchase with disdain and disbelief of the "Silly swarthy superstitious Spanairds" and their stories of rabbits. Must I remind you the name of Spain, Espana, comes from the Phoenecian word for land of rabbits? A spanaird know what a rabbit is. After 7 of Lewis and Clarks men were lost to rabid Jackelope attacks The young USA tried to cancel the check they had given France to buy the Lousiana Purchase but this satsfaction garuntee pledge was not honored.`

Anyways one can buy a dead jackelope, or jackelope postcards right next to a hunting licence for Jackelopes at most reputable filling stations. The licences are sold right next to the fake lottery tickets and Osama BinLaden hunting licence. I feel that having the licences next to the OBL licences insult OBL, he at least has some perceived purpose for killing lots of people while Jackelopes kill for fun.

My tour group of Czechs and Hungarians were amazed by Jackelopes. They are a well kept secret as the USA tourism board doesn't want to keep people out of the National parks due to irrational fears, for instance a person is only 2543% more likely to be gored by a Jackelope than mauled by a bear at Yellowstone park or only 4537% more likely to be shoved into the Grand Canyon by a vicious Jackelope than being bitten by a venomous snake there. One of the girls with us was always boasting how she was the second member of greenpeace in Ufa Russia and always pushing her Green-Gia-Earth first crap on us. The Czechs didn't like her anyways. So the coolest Czech this tall brunette with a nice.....smile, named Hanka who had almost made the Czech archery team in 2002 asked if she could shoot a Jackelope. It sounded like a good idea. We paid .97 cents for a licence and prepared for battle.

On the way out to the bus we met an elderly Indian Man who the girls figured was a medicine man due to his smelling sort of mediciny at 9am. They asked i
f he was a
shaman and could tell them about Jackelopes. He shook his head and mumbled, but a wink and a half pint of Kesslers got him to explain that the great spirit made a creature to punish Brother Wolf for his vanity and sister Owl for her arrogance. This gave the girls great relief.


We decided to camp in a campsite that night. I stopped at a thrift bakery store to get some bait since I assumed Jackelopes would like snack cakes. I also made a stop at the local gun shop and bought me a few extra 308s. Yep, it was AK time. We got out our guns from our hidden compartment in the bus and prepared for war. We hung out that night and had a campfire with our neighbors, the only other people at our desolate campgrounds who were a nice pair of couples from Korea and their 4 teenage daughters (my legal counsel has cautioned me to not further mention them or any activity that took place in the shower on Thursday night and this will be very poignant when I cavalierly discuss our other infractions). Apparently the man was a big shot at some company that he said made VCRS or Cars or Ships or a bunch of stuff. I was too busy ridiculing his accent to pay attention to what he was saying. He said it is crowded in Korea and too much people so he likes Oklahoma where nothing is going on and he can relax. He said in Oklahoma the people are relatively nice to Koreans because they haven't lost any jobs to Korean Industry since they never had jobs to begin with. We drank all that guys beer and ate all of his beef. There is good local beef in Oklahoma. People think all the Okies left during the Dust Bowl but that was some story a guy made up in Grapes of Wrath just so no more people would move to Oklahoma.

We told the one girl that evening that if a virgin would sit in the forest alone and sing a Jackelope would come and lay his head on her lap. We chose her because she wore a shirt that said "True love waits" in the Hungarian language and al
ways made faces
at the girls who were having fun in America. We had her sit there for 3 hours singing this band called "Tri Sestry" songs while we went back to the Lee's trailer and watched the Sooner games. It is a crime in Oklahoma to do anything but watch the Sooners Football on TV when they play. Oklahoma has a fine tradition of Boxers, tough guys (john wayne) and football. We went back and told her she must no really be a virgin since no Jackelopes came and she started balling and in her Czech tears we gathered that she believed her cousin didn't count because there was a condom involved. So we went to bed.

At about 3am were heard what we assumed was a pack of Jackelopes raiding our food which I conveniently left laying on our picnic table. Jackelopes are known to be very fast with an incredible start. Well they weren't faster than my subsonic 308s. If I have to explain why I am using subsonics on this mission you are too shallow to appreciate my expertise. We really let the pack of Jackelopes have it. And a certain Ms Semecova let Mr Lee's $37,000 fifth wheel motor home have it with an arrow or two. Of course Mr Lee had to come over and see what the commotion was and he had a super electric torch made by his firm that he used to examine the carnage.

It wasn't a Jackelope we nailed, they all got away, but the more cumbersome and rare Brown Prairie bear that they hunted with in a symbiotic partnership wasn't so lucky. We had nailed him a good 10 times. I kinda freaked out. I knew that a dead endangered species was not part of a good tour. Mr Lee was particularily interested in the bear. He asked me if I knew how rare the bear was. I thought he was going to get all holier than thou on me and call the WIldlife rangers and I was starting to seriously think about how many rounds of ammo I had left, and I am looking at Mikey and Popeye like wondering if we were gonna have to "sanitize" the scen
e to protect ourselv
es.

So Mr Lee gets real wierd on us, then he asks me "You will sell me the Gallbladder and two of the paws". I laughed at him. I said why do you want two of the paws and not all four. He bowed his head in shame and said, "I already bring shame to my ancestors to ask a great hunter to sell me the gall bladder, and not offer him half, how can I do the dishonor to suggest that you, an honorable hunter not have the paws to make soup?&
quot; I told him that I was more of a KFC kinda guy and asked excatly what the going price for bear paws was. The guy offered me $7700 for a bear carcass that I was wondering how the hell I would get rid of, I would have given him a rubber check for $200 to get rid of it and he was offering me, lowballing me for 8g? I told him he could have the whole thing for 10 grand. He paid cash money. Now that is survival of the fittest in action, some bloke can get faboulously rich by flashing thousands of cash in front of biker trash Americans with assault rifles out in the wilderness.

Mrs Lee made Bear Paw soup but we ate KFC that MR Lee had flown in by a helicoptor that conveniently brough a few drums of a substance with a high Ph. We all sat around the fire and smoked crack cocaine and they all sang "fwor hes a jowwy good fewwow" for me for my hunting skills. (I couldn't shoot for crap, I just knew to aim to the center of the pile of twinkies)

The money we got really helped our trip. The girls knickers all got a bit more looser when we threw money around like fools. We wasted all the money at clubs and malls in California but we saved a few hundred bucks to pay for all the inevitable abortions we would need.

I really don't know much about Oklahoma, not that there is much worth knowing. I had a good time there and maybe youcould too. I never got to shoot me a jackelope though. I did learn about Bears when I got home. Apparently it is grotsquely
wasteful to kill a bear
and not sell the gall bladder to Asians. Bears produce something called ursodeoxycholic acid, UCDA which some Asians value as a medicine. The paws are just delicious. I hope that the jackelopes that hang out with bears don't kill them for sport because that would be a terrible shame. Mr Lee actually cheated me on the bear. A fresh bear is like the ultimate dream, an unheard of luxury, it is virtually priceless. Oh well live and learn. For instance I learned that some people actually go out in the woods for bear hunting, I always thought "bear hunting" was going out to bars to find other large handsome gay men, you learn something new every day.

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