30 Things I Hate About You (Asda)

Member Name: plipplop

Product:	Asda
Date:	29/12/05 (3075 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: It's Cheap

Disadvantages: But It's Not Very Cheerful

Hate is such a strong word isn’t it? I should reserve hatred for some of the more important things in life really, shouldn’t I? Only things like racism, bigotry, child abuse and animal cruelty should really court such attention.

These things aside, I do hate Asda and I don’t mind admitting it. In fact, I’ve decided to capture my thoughts on paper.

If you shop in Asda, I apologise now. You will be offended.

(Parental advisory on the content please).

1. I hate the fact that every store is as bland and faceless as the next. With other supermarkets, such as Tesco and Sainsbury’s, a new store opening is of some interest. They’ll often have new hot food counters, special ranges or funky new features like vending machines. With Asda, this is never the case. Each store is as unoriginal as the next.

2. I loathe Asda car parks. In my local store, a bizarre one-way system has been put in operation that makes you drive approximately fourteen miles to get to an available space. The spaces are very small too. I think they’re working on the premise that everyone who shops there is poor, which means they can’t afford a decent car. Accordingly, each space will only accommodate a Ford Ka.

3. I hate the man who patrols the car park. Some half-wit has decided that he should wear a jacket sporting the emblem “Keeper of the Car Park”. What a numpty!

4. I hate the fact that the store has no conscience towards its local environment. Unlike its competitors, my local doesn’t have a deposit scheme on the trolleys, so all the local kids nick them. And them dump them in people’s gardens.

5. I hate the fact that as you enter the store, some old git in a blazer is stood there. His name badge says “Meeter and Greeter” – he does neither. I worry that he is due to drop dead any minute.

6. I detest the staff uniform. It’s a selection of green items carefully arranged to make even the most attractive humans look ridiculous. In this aim, it is extremely effective.

7. I can’t stand the fact that throughout the store, you can hear adverts being played via the tannoy or on the television screens. Such noise pollution literally drives me out of the store.

8. I’d rather kill myself than watch an Asda television advert. All that bum-slapping, smiley-faced kitsch and ass-clenching niceness is just too much for me. And the theme music is enough to drive me to kill several small kittens in a particularly horrible fashion.

9. I hate the fact that Asda price stickers leave sticky marks on the cover of your CDs. Whereas Woolworths have perfected “non-stick” technology, Asda would rather your plastic cases were all covered in pseudo cock snot.

10. I hate the fact that the express checkout is never open. Whenever I have one or two items to buy, I seem to have to queue for about seven months. I usually give up.

11. I hate the fact that all the shelf-edge labels and POS boards are written in a font that is clearly targeted at the intellectually challenged. It’s like shopping in a supermarket run by Noddy and his friends.

12. I detest the delicatessen counter in Asda. The glass is always smeared and dirty where all the revolting little children have pressed their noses, ears and fingers up against the counter and the meat looks like something that the dog has chewed. It’s revolting.

13. I could wage war on the supposed “Rollback” campaign that fools people into thinking that Asda is good value. Whilst a price will often roll back, you watch it a few months later when it rolls forward again. Isn’t it funny how they don’t advertise those price changes?

14. I hate the checkout operators in Asda. I can’t stand being called “My Duck”, “My Lover”, or “Dearie”. Just put my fricking card through the till and stop patronising me. Thanks. The checkout managers are even worse. The last one I saw looked like an extra from The League of Gentlemen. She sounded like one too. Somebody should tell her that women with hairy legs are so off-putting. Especially in tights.

15. I can’t stand the American political correctness of Asda’s management style. They don’t have employees. They have “colleagues”. I bet that doesn’t make any difference to their pay rises.

16. Doesn’t that little smiley face get on your nerves? Bouncing around like a silly tit. I hate that too.

17. I think Asda’s economy (Smart Price) brand stinks. Cheap but not cheerful. Who cares if you can get a bottle of washing-up liquid for 13p? You have to use four times as much to get results anyway.

18. The wine selection is really poor – there is hardly anything costing more than £6. I hate lousy wine.

19. I can’t stand the way that they try and make you save money by buying loads of stuff. Everything seems to be on 3 for 2, or buy 7 save £1.00 or buy 56 and get 29 free. The promotional activity is so obviously targeted at families.

20. I can’t stand Asda’s customers. You can pretty much guarantee that The Royle Family’s commoner, dirtier, noisier relatives will share a store visit with you. Could the government not invest in a spot of peasant culling? The Canadians do it to fluffy little seals. Nobody would miss a few scabby families.

21. Asda does not employ sexy students. Sainsbury’s and Tesco have got them all. Asda just has all the rejects. Who wants to see a Rik Waller lookalike scooped into a green T-shirt and tight blue trousers that are nine sizes too small? Not me. I hate that.

22. Asda wouldn’t know how to make something look nice on the packet if they tried. Have a look at a Sainsbury’s curry – they always look really appetising on the box. Now have a look at an Asda one. It’s like comparing caviar with dog vomit.

23. I hate the fact that Asda do things because the competition does them even though their customers aren’t interested. A token “free from” range for the odd wheat-allergist who stumbles in there on the way to work. An occasional organic item that got sent in by mistake. Stick to cheap dog food and grim clothes please.

24. Asda’s in store bakery range is abysmal. Yes – they sell 71 flavours of doughnuts but that’s about as far as it goes. Two loaves of bread and a box of cookies is about as much as you’re likely to get. What amazes me even more is that the bakery section is normally huge. And empty.

25. They don’t have reduced to clear stickers. They have “Whoops!” stickers. Tossers.

26. I marvel at the strange pride that the staff takes in their stores. Whilst making a complaint at the customer service desk one day, sample staff member advised me that whilst I wasn’t satisfied with the gold medal ham that I’d bought, Asda sells twice as many different cuts of ham as Tesco. And your point is? Like I care.

27. I hate their fresh pizza counters. Meat feast = half a tin of chopped spam plus a smearing of Smart Price tomato puree. Vegetable feast = half a tin of Smart Price sweetcorn plus a smearing of Smart Price tomato puree and a slice of mushroom. I also hate the way they scatter the topping over the pizza with their bare hands. The same bare hands that have fingernails chewed down to the bone. The same bare hands with which you were probably scratching your tits about ten minutes ago.

28. I hate the “Asda is cheapest” campaign. Apparently, Asda has been voted Britain’s Cheapest Supermarket for seven years running. No surprises there. Dung is very cheap. I wouldn’t want it in my sandwiches.

29. Aren’t George clothes awful? Great if you’re a kid but if you’re an adult then just call the fashion police. Now.

30. They sell Smart Price underwear. How awful is that?

So there.

Summary: Tacky, immoral, unpleasant shopping experience