Because Men Use Sex Toys Too (Clone Zone)

Member Name: plipplop

Product:	Clone Zone
Date:	19/12/08 (430 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Loads of stock, lots of novelty stuff, friendly staff

Disadvantages: It's a bit seedy, it's over-priced and they have no concept of consumer rights

**Warning: If the concept of having something stuck up your backside is likely to offend, you might want to look elsewhere**

You women think you invented sex, don't you? What with Ann Summers parties, Ann Summers shops and tea time conversations about Rampant Rabbits, things have all got a bit one-sided. Perhaps it's just that women feel more at ease talking about sexy things. I'm not sure. Well, fortunately, it's not just women who enjoy their bodies, the men folk do too - and here's one way that some of us meet this supply and demand,

Sex shops have a terrible reputation, don't they? Nowhere is the whole Draconian attitude towards sex in this country more evident than our treatment of so-called sex shops. Blacked out windows, euphemistic names and seedy back alley locations are normally the name of the game when it comes to sex shops in this country. I think this is a great shame. Whatever your views are towards pornography and the sex industry as whole, it seems to me that it is wholly unhealthy to try and repress these things. If things were more open and accessible, I'm quite sure the world would be a slightly different place.

Ann Summers and Clone Zone both work on a fairly similar premise in that they are trying to make sex products much more easily available and much more socially acceptable on the high street. It is true enough that most branches of Clone Zone still tend to be in the quieter parts of town but they have a predominantly accessible feel to them and are continually very busy. Clone Zone mainly caters for gay men, although the stores do stock a few items (mainly magazines and books) for gay women.

Clone Zone opened its first branch in London, probably because London has always had the largest population of gay men in this country. Since then, a number of other Clone Zone stores have opened up around the UK and you can now find them in several major UK cities. I've been in quite a few over the years, but my regular and most familiar outlet is the one in Manchester, so most of what I'm going to talk about probably refers to that particular store.

For those of you who have yet to sample their delights, here's an overview of what you might expect to find in your average branch of Clone Zone. Ever wondered where those big hairy old queens get all their kinky clothing? Well, wonder no more, because Clone Zone stocks the lot. Pants, T-shirts, bras, belts, chaps, face masks (with or without zips) straps, shorts, vests, socks, shoes - you name it, you can get a rubber or PVC version in Clone Zone. If it sounds hilarious then that's probably because it is. Imagine a branch of M & S for fetish fiends and you'd be halfway there. There tend to be one or two (beefy) lads in there, holding up a pair of crotchless PVC pants and asking each other if they think their bums will look big in this. (Answer - it'll be hanging out anyway, so who cares?

The most frightening part of the store for me is the section devoted to sex toys. Some of them defy belief, they really do. Clone Zone stocks the widest selection of dildos and vibrators that I have ever seen. You can get all sorts of colours, materials and models. Some of them are warm and rubbery to the touch. Some of them can be filled up with warm fluid for a more authentic climax. Some of them are double ended (for the particularly greedy) but most of them are unimaginably large. I don't need to go into the details of what people do with them, but it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. The award for the most frightening item goes to a life-sized prosthetic rubber arm and fist. Ouch.

What else is there? Answer - porn, and stacks of it. Clone Zone stocks an enormous range of gay pornography both on DVD and VHS cassette and in magazines. The pornography laws in this country seem to have relaxed somewhat over the last few years and as such you can now get hold of quite hardcore stuff legally. This is also the most popular and frequently browsed section of the store. I'm surprised that the print hasn't worn off the pages of some of the magazines given the amount of people that have copped a glimpse. The magazines and movies cater for most tastes, although you will find that gay men seem to have relatively similar and simple requirements from their pornography so it's muscles, butts and super-sized equipment all the way. There are also some more tasteful photographic collections where the models either keep their pants on, or don't get excited in the photos. These don't tend to be very popular.

The stores also stock a good range of other toys and accessories, and a fairly good selection of CDs. The CDs all tend to be the gay favourites (clue - they don't sell Eminem CDs) but they have an exhaustive selection of all those gay club cover versions of popular songs. The CDs are disgustingly over-priced though - they make HMV look competitive. They also have a couple of music DVDs and gay interest magazines. Clone Zone is a perfect place to come and buy silly presents and stocking fillers for all your gay buddies. These include pornographic playing cards, penis-shaped chocolate and sweets and even babies' dummies where the teat is a thingy (which is just wrong). I have a real thing about underwear, and Clone Zone also stocks quite a lot of it, including the trendy brands like Calvin Klein and D & G. Personally, I quite like tight, skimpy stuff but there's nothing here that you couldn't find cheaper in House of Fraser. They also have a good range of T-shirts and stuff, with rude slogans on that I simply couldn't repeat here. (Clue: one of them rhymes with FANCY A DUCK?)

Clone Zone tends to be very busy, but this is more because it is a bit of a tourist attraction. The clientele seems to be quite mixed, with a selection of ages, but appeals most to the archetypal "clones". The store has a fun, very upbeat feel to it, and I've been reliably informed that it can be quite a liberating experience for anyone who feels slightly nervous about their sexuality. The Manchester store could do with being a bit bigger and I still think there is something rather predatory about the place. This isn't helped by the fact that there is a gay sauna upstairs (shudder) and I get the distinct impression that some people hover around downstairs for a bit first. All my female friends love the place, but that is largely through novelty value than as genuine customers.

The staff members in Clone Zone are a very jolly, if not slightly camp, bunch of chaps who seem keen to make everyone feel comfortable and welcome. I'd prefer it if they didn't hover round the cash desk like those two drag queens that used to sing around a piano. Nonetheless, they usually smile, have a laugh and treat everyone well. That is, until things go wrong....

Some time ago, a friend of mine bought an "item" in Clone Zone. It was basically a belt with a butt plug attached to it. (It was hideous.) After one day's usage, he was rather alarmed to find that the belt just snapped in his hand. Given that the item was £46, he was understandably put out, but was too embarrassed to go back in the store to sort it out. As "shameless" is my middle name, I said that I was quite happy to do so. I approached the counter, where both the manager and one of his employees were both very jovial and pleasant until I mentioned that I wanted to bring something back. At this point, their faces dropped like a teenager's scrotum. I explained (very boldly I might add) what had happened and the manager sort of said sorry and asked his colleague to see if there was another one in stock. When I explained that I didn't want another one in case the same thing happened, the manager looked at me as though I were an alien but finally he reluctantly agreed to a refund on production of the original bar code that was attached to the strap. Strangely enough, my friend had decided to take this off when he wore the device and sadly hadn't kept it. Despite my attempts to argue, I was subsequently declined a refund (even if I produced a credit card proof of purchase) and was told that all I could have was a credit note. Of course, I had to accept, but wasn't pleased. The moral of the tale, of course, is to keep absolutely everything to do with the product, but it would make me think about buying something here again.

Clone Zone is REALLY expensive, for what it is. Most of the DVDs will set you back about £40 a time and this kind of mark up is reflected throughout their range of products. The clothing and toys are all very expensive. It has to be said that nothing in here is really worth the money, but then it IS a very specialist market so you'll be paying more for exclusivity than quality. The shops have a genuine spirit of fun about them, and they also seem quite liberated. That aside and despite the fact that they are part of a multiple chain don't expect fantastic service. They're happy to take the cash but they ain't so happy to give it back, so be careful what you spend your cash on.

Otherwise, recommended.

(This is a remix of the review I first wrote for Ciao in 2003.)

Summary: The liberation of male sexuality continues...