Newest Review: ... out at home. Here is some more info about the kind of things they sell. -Soaps- Lush do a wicked system with their soap where they mak... more
Member Name: deano76
Date: 28/03/03, updated on 28/03/03 (8932 review reads)
Advantages: NONE, NONE I TELL YOU, NONE
Disadvantages: Lush stinks, Lush is expensive, LUSH SUCKS!
Ok, hands up if your sick and tired of reading the mass wave of opinions on a crime of a product that calls itself LUSH?
<<<3 Million hands instantly shoot up into the air>>>
Fine, well I am coming to your rescue by giving these products and the shop they come from a real good wallop and I don’t care if anyone comes steaming after me with an assortment of weapons.
I have had it up to my eyebrows of reading the Lush ladies orgasmic opinions about how OooOooOOoH! ‘The Red Rooster’ is
and how AhhHHHhhhEeehhh! An ‘I Should Coco’ bar is.
So, courtesy of Mel (Cheekychicken’s) Lush collection I am going to give you all, the one and only NEGATIVE Lush opinion currently on Dooyoo.
Oh, and I am starting up an anti Lush campaign called PILLOCK (Please Ignore Lousy Lush Opinions, Cleanliness Kills) See at the end of this op for details.
Right, where do I start? OK, let’s start with the Lush shop in Birmingham where a last year, we had the first ever official Ciao meet up (including a few Dooyooers).
I don’t know how it happened but Me, Myself and I ended up tagging along with a group of the Ciao kittens (ladies for those of you who are wondering what the hell I am ranting about) and as we walked through the busy streets of Brum, in a fit of excitement that can only be described as if they had all been promised the greatest sex of their lives by the Chippendales, my lady friends made a bee line for Lush.
(Shewhosmiles – Trish, Cheekychicken – Mel, KarenUK – You figure her name out, Pinkle – Jo and Plain jane– Allie <the latter two have now sadly departed from Ciao>) burst through the tiny shops doors nearly taking them off of their hinges in the process.
I could smell the various detergent style whiffs seeping up my hairy nostrils from about 300 yards away, so the smell that hit me when I walked through th
e doors gave me an instant migraine.
I must have looked out of place as the slim, blonde, cashier instantly headed for me to ask if she could help.
Hmmm? Yes please but not in the way your offering, Anyway, after politely declining her help I stood in the middle of the aisle looking like a complete dunce (No comments about that being nothing new please).
I honestly couldn’t believe what I was seeing, five full grown, mature females reduced to a bunch of squealing six-year-olds in a free for all sweetshop.
“Oooh! Oooh! Look at this one”
“Oh my god, smell this, it’s gorgeous”
ME: Oh my god, get me outta here.
The shop itself was like an old fashioned sweet shop that you would find in somewhere like Beamish, all the various soaps and facial creams were cut up into individual portions and displayed unwrapped on the shelves.
Everything did actually look like food and I needed Karen to point out that this tub of brown slime was in fact a facial scrub and not a tub of Hagen Daaz ice cream.
The prices for some of the custard cream biscuit sized bars of soap, were nothing short of legal theft and after about two minutes in there I felt like I was on another planet and had to head for the door and find the nearest empty bench to sit down on.
As I sat there trying to breathe some fresh air (or car fumes which actually smelt better than the shop) I could hear all sorts of moans and groans coming out of the Lush place.
I swear, it really did sound like a brothel, only a brothel would probably have been a more pleasant place to be.
Eventually, they all started to come out with their dodgy little yellow and black Lush bags, and if you had have seen them all, you could have been forgiven for thinking you were at the races.
Five females complete with horse style nose bags (And you just try to pull those bags away from their noses) it would have been easier
trying to prize a dead zebra from a Pride of starving Lions.
Anyway, here is a little info about just a few of Lush’s weirdo products available in store or direct from their web site (you’ll find that at the end of my op).
NOTE: There are literally hundreds of products available there but the ones I am listing are the only ones that Mel happens to own. (I wouldn’t buy my own if I had them bought for me you see)
BUBBLE BATH SLICES (Yes it isn’t a misprint this is a SLICE not a bottle of liquid)- Approx 3-4 GBP's each.
USE: To put into your bath and it makes bubbles (Oooh! Orgasm – Not)
BLUE SKIES AND FLUFFY WHITE CLOUDS:
This basically looks like a blue and white gone off piece of Swiss Roll and stinks like the inside of a worm farm.
THE FLYING SAUCER:
This is so weird it’s untrue, it looks like, errm, well, a white lump with a brown blob on top and it smells like a bottle of 49p Hia Karate aftershave.
Don’t even ask about the name because I haven’t got a bloody clue, this one looks like one of those strawberry and cream boiled sweets except that this has a stupid smiley face on the front. It smells cheap and nasty, kind of like your great grannies perfume.
SOAPS - between 2-4 GBP's each.
USE: If you can’t figure this one out then you need help.
I SHOULD COCO:
I should get lost more like, this resembles a slice of birthday cake and smells like coconut (You’d have never have guessed that would you?)
THE RED ROOSTER:
If you like the smell of oranges and cinnamon then this one is for you, if you like the idea of rubbing your private bits with a large lump of earwax, then again, this one is for you.
Does anyone know who Douglas Hurd is? If so then you will know that his hair is white and swirls upward into a point like an ice cream.
This bar of soap
looks like a fresh turd with Dougies hair on top and smells like, errm, pineapple?
MASSAGE BAR - 3.49 GBP's each.
USE: To rub up and down your partner’s body and cover them in a thick layer of smelly grease that is almost impossible to get rid of, I am of course speaking from experience.
This looks like a miniature box of eggs and stinks like a lemon that has been left to rot at the bottom of your dustbin for three months, it is greasy and feels like someone is rubbing a wet fish up and down your back when used.
SKIN CONDITIONERS - Approx 4 GBP's per bar.
USE: Errm, to make your skin soft?
KING OF SKIN:
I know, it sounds like a Jamaican gangster but trust me it is nothing of the sort.
Looking like a lump of rough cut chalk this unsightly white blob smells like a bag of Chocolate limes – HINT: DO NOT TASTE or you’ll end up as the King of your toilet bowl.
BUFFY THE BACKSIDE SLAYER:
Looks like a Werthers Original chew and smells exactly the same as the King Of Skin but hey, as long as it comes from Lush then most women WILL spend your hard earned wage purchasing one.
SILKY UNDERWEAR DUSTING POWDER - Nearly 4 GBP's for a tiny tub.
USE: For dusting your underwear – Why you would like doing this is still an enigma.
Ooooh! Aaaah! Eeeeeh! What wonderful stuff, this is super, this is absolute heaven, this is totally orgasmic, THIS IS TALC!
This stuff costs about 3 times more than a large tub of Cussons or Johnson’s talc and comes in a tub about half the size.
And you just try telling a Lush freak that this is the very same stuff, NO! This is not just ordinary talc, this is LUSH SILKY UNDERWEAR DUSTING POWDER.
Ok so there you go, a Lush point of view from someone that does NOT get clitoral stimulation by the very mention of the word. Although if I did then I would have problems.
If I haven’t managed
to put you off of this dreadful phenomenon already (And if I haven’t then you need to seek psychiatric help) Lush have a large website called the Lush Times, here is the link:
You will be able to find a full list of products, prices, delivery information, contacts and various other information direct from here, including the various store addresses and telephone numbers.
So if you would like to be an honorary member of P.I.L.L.O.C.K then start your comment on this op with (Lush sucks) if you are one of these strange women who adore the stuff, then start your message with (Burning Bra) LOL
Thanks for reading peeps.