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~ ~ In a previous op I revealed the mad cabbie is the proud owner of a set of the dreaded “wallys”, (false teeth) I talked then about the product I used to help keep the old ivories in sparkling white and pristine condition. (Steradent Tablets) But this is only half the battle, as dentures (well, denture plates) don’t come with any attachments to help keep them where they are supposed to be; in your mouth. ~ ~ I can think of nearly nothing as embarrassing as your falsers deciding to make an unscheduled appearance, and popping unannounced out of your facial orifice when you are out in company somewhere. I can still recall in horror when just such a disaster happened to me when I was, off all things, out on a first date with a rather attractive nurse who I’d fancied for ages. (This is LONG before I became the happily married man I now am, I hasten to add!!) I had taken her to a “Medieval Banquet” at a local hotel, and along with the meal you were allowed to consume as much “mead” as your constitution could stand. Being the drinker I was in those days, we arrived early, and such copious amounts of the liquid amber were swallowed by yours truly that I think the hotel had to send out for more supplies. So the scene is set. Ken was well and truly pi**ed, but being a seasoned drinker at that time, not showing the effects too much, although certainly feeling them. The banquet itself consisted of a buffet, where again you loaded up with as much grub as your plate or stomach could hold, and in true medieval fashion, ate it using only your hands as implements. So there I was, sitting opposite this apparition of womanly beauty, (she really WAS a cracker!) and doing my utmost to create the impression of a shining knight of old. ~ ~ Then IT happened. Gnawing away at a particularly tasty leg of chicken or the like, the old wallys suddenly decided to part company from my
mouth along with the drumstick, and fell with an almighty clatter onto my plate. Come on now. Own up. Can anyone top that for an embarrassing moment? It’s like something you would see on Denis Norden’s “Video Nasties”, although it was a long time before camcorders were thought of. (Thank God!!) ~ ~ Needless to say, my impression of a suave and sophisticated man about town was instantly shattered forever, along with my ego. The aforementioned Venus of the National Health Service very quickly made her excuses, and disappeared into the night, never to be seen again by this particular mad cabbie. ~ ~ So some method had to be found to ensure forever that such a tragedy would never repeat itself. I messed around for a while with pastes and with those “denture cushion” thingys, that are supposed to mould themselves to the shape of your palate, but to be honest, neither really felt that comfortable, and didn’t inspire the feeling of confidence I was looking for. It’s a bit much when you have to remember to put a tube of denture paste and a toothbrush into your jacket pocket when embarking on a night out, as you KNOW that it will lose its effectiveness halfway through the evening, which will require you to pay a surreptitious visit to the nearest bog to reapply another application. ~ ~ And then I found it. The product of my dreams. A product called Wernets, made and manufactured by a company called Stafford Miller, who are based in Welwyn Garden City in the UK, and also here in Dungarvon in Co. Waterford, in my adopted country of Ireland. This is a denture fixative powder, that is designed specifically to keep the dreaded falsers very firmly in their place, and to give the wearer the confidence to quite literally eat anything and go anywhere, in the certain knowledge that their teeth will only ever leave their mouth when they are yanked out before bedtime. The pr
oduct I first used was called simply Wernets, but over the years the company have brought out various improved versions. First off you had Super Wernets, and then about ten years or so ago, they brought out the best yet, Ultra Wernets. The difference is in the strength of the adhesion, with Ultra Wernets (as the name implies) obviously being the very strongest of the three. ~ ~ It is very easy to use. It’s a powder, that comes in a hard, white plastic bottle. After removing the wallys from their overnight bath of Steradent denture cleaner, you simply give them the old once over with the toothpaste of your choice in order to remove any caustic residue. Then run them under the cold tap, and carefully cover the inside of the plate with the white powder. Shake off any surplus, and then insert firmly into place in your mouth, applying pressure to ensure that they fit snugly. And that’s it. Voila. Your artificial teeth are now such a permanent fixture in your mouth that it would almost take a dentist’s extraction to remove them. OK. I admit that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but I’m using poetic licence here in order to illustrate the feeling of complete and absolute confidence you get when using this product. So much so, that you will quite literally forget that you’re wearing dentures at all!! You can eat absolutely anything you wish, from steaks to apples to peanuts, in the sure and certain knowledge that your teeth will always remain very firmly in their proper place, and also that you won’t be having to make any trips to the loo to rinse out your plate to remove any stray food particles that have managed to become lodged underneath it. (VERY uncomfortable!) And you can get as romantic as you like with the person of your choice, knowing that they will never even guess that you wear falsers until and unless you care to disclose the fact. ~ ~ I’ll give y
ou the ingredients here, although if they mean as much to you as they do to me, you’ll be left none the wiser. Poly(methylvinylether/maleic acid), Sodium-calcium mixed partial salt, cellulose gum, aroma. There you go. Told you you wouldn’t be any the wiser! ~ ~ The powder comes in two sizes, small and large, although I’m not sure of the size or cost of the smaller size as I never buy it. The larger size comes in a 40gram package, and that contains enough powder to last me for about forty days. At a cost of £5.23 (Irish Punts) this works out at about 13 pence a day. For this mad cabbie, that has to be nearly the bargain of the century.
Wernets Ultra denture fixative powder gives a stronger, longer lasting hold providing you with confidence and control / This superior formula also helps prevent irritating food particles from getting under your plate /