Pi**ing in a portakabin (Edinburgh Festival Fringe)

Name: ShoppingGirl

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Product:	Edinburgh Festival Fringe
Date:	17/08/01 (134 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: it's a cultural spectacle like no other in the world

Disadvantages: Not much toilet paper, rain usually imminent

Why am I here?

There's not much toilet roll, and there's a sign on the door urging me to 'spare a thought and share a flush'. Is this what life has come to?

Yup - if you're in Edinburgh that is, for those four mad weeks we call the Fringe. And using portable toilets is the very least of it.

Where shall I start - well, here's a good definition for you. When I was a (cheeky, inquisitive) kid, I asked my dad what the Festival Fringe was. My (creative, thoughtful) dad drew me a picture of a rug. He wrote the names of some world class performers in the middle (Yehudi Menuin, anybody?) and then, on the fringes round the edge, he wrote things like 'jugglers, mime artists, poets'. You get the picture.

Well, that definition *should* still hold true today - except that it kind of doesn't. The Fringe has now become what most people mean when they refer to the Edinburgh Festival. It's expanded - exploded, even - to such an extent it now dwarfs the very thing it was once on the outskirts of.

Sure, the mime acts, the street musicians and the myriad local productions from all over the world are still here. My god, are they here. Just try walking up the Royal Mile and see how long it takes before you are whipped out of the crowd and made to play the part of Bottom in somebody's Dream - or at the very least, had half a rainforests worth of fliers thrust into your hand by earnest young actors with home counties accents, chanting 'You've got to pick a pocket or two' - oh yes indeed ladies and gentlemen!

But the Fringe itself has fragmented - basically into two camps. These are: comedy (interesting and lucrative) and: not comedy (neither interesting nor lucrative).

The three 'biggy' fringe venues - The Assembly Rooms, The Pleasance and the Gilded Balloon - now showcase almost exclusively comedy acts. And the width of this genre is impressive - this year we'
ve got Nicholas Parsons delivering showbiz chat, Joan Rivers dispensing advice for the elderly, and of course Alan Davies to help us choose a mortgage.

And that's not even the *tip* of Edinburgh's comedy iceberg. Anybody who can stand up and open their mouths is here to test out the audience, and to be given a ten part sitcom on Channel 4. As if!

The glory of all this talent (and untalent) being in one place at one time is obvious - us lucky locals get to see some wonderful, hilarious, life-enhancing comedy, and if one show is crap - well, so what, the next one'll be better.

I have been a rabid fringeophile since I was old enough to buy tickets - about 15 years old. Oh! - those were the days. Alternative comedy was just taking off, and four quid got you in to see acts that would soon take over the world - I saw Ben Elton, Julian Clary, Jeremy Hardy, Lee Evans and Craig Charles all in one year once! Not to mention the best of all - Bing Hitler, the comedy genius. He later changed his name back to Craig Ferguson and was last seen wearing leather trousers in a gay hairdressing movie - but hey, I knew him when...!

Ahhh... those days are gone. In the last few years, you can forget seeing any big name comedian for less than a tenner. All very well if you're part of the Soho media set - bit dicey if you're an average Edinburgher. For me, ticket money is *always* worth it - even if the show is rubbish - but I guess many people can't afford to experiment much with ten-quid tickets.

Ok, so let's get up to date now. What's the big news this year?

Well, the Ladyboys of Bangkok are back - where would we be without them? Once again, the High Street (Royal Mile) is impassable without a cattleprod and a sharp heckling tongue - and once again the papers are full of the usual letters from irate members of the public who wish the whole thing would just go away and leave them to eat their shortbread
in peace.

I stand in the middle of this debate. I love the festival - it's energy, it's vibrancy and of course the chance to ogle celebrities (see my list of celebs at the end), but I hate peeing in a portakabin. I hate the inflated prices, the flat beer, the hassling and the heckling of random punters in the street - and most of all, I hate those f***ing Pan Pipe Mood guys at the end of Princes Street. Give it up, chaps! Surely you must be millionaires by now.

Some people round here would have every actor, every smug Londoner (sorry - but the evidence is here) and every would-be standup rounded up and shot. I'm not one of them, but I can see where these folks are coming from. It's a very strange experience to have your home town taken out of your hands by strangers four weeks of the year - just ask anybody from SW13.

Right - the shows themselves. Which ones should we go and see? Well, the standard way to make these increasingly hard choices is by consulting the all-seeing oracle.

Yes, that's right. The Scotsman review section. Five stars from these guys will get you a guaranteed sell-out for the rest of your run. On the other hand, get two stars or less and you'd better pray somebody confuses your name with that of Al Murray and comes along anyway.

Is this fair? No, of course it isn't. Why should one reviewer have the power to make or break any show? It is just such a subjective process - look at the variety of opinions here on dooyoo alone. Last year my friend and I fell in love with the comedian Arj Barker - we cried with laughter all through his show. My boyfriend sat stony faced, and wanted his money back. Where's the logic?

Having said that, I only usually see shows that come recommended by somebody else. The fringe is famously full of shows playing to empty houses, or (worse) to one person.

So...

What was I doing in that portakabin the other night?


Well, me and my boyfriend were having a 'Fringe night' up at the Pleasance. This is *the* place to come if you want to soak up the festival atmosphere. It's a big courtyard, surrounded by an old Edinburgh University building, all of which has been converted in all shapes and sizes of comedy venues. The buzz is amazing.

There is a huge outdoor bar, serving decent drinks - and hot dogs. The people-watching potential here is awesome. Yeah, you do get plenty of tossers called Tristram, frantically bellowing into their mobile phones (IM AT THE FRINGE!! etc), but you get the rest of the world and it's dog too.

Last night we saw two acts - both get three stars from me. Adam Bloom (bleached-blond Jewish comic, looks a bit like Jean Paul Gaultier) was funny, but didn't have the confidence to truly set us on fire - as I'm sure he could have done if the stars had been in his heavens.

Noble and Silver are two apparently mad blokes who do lots of surreal interaction with video footage - sometimes funny, sometimes disturbing. The end of their show was so vague that nobody knew it was over til the lights went up. Having said that, Nicholas Parsons and his lovely wife sat in the row behind us, resplendent in pastel golf sweaters. Worth a tenner alone, I think!

Apart from the spartan facilities, this is truly a place you could come and hang out, even without show tickets. Shows start every ten minutes or so anyway, so why not come along and be spontaneous? You may well get to experience an intimate gig with the 'next big thing'.

Oh, I could write about this all night. But I sense I'm losing you - a bit like poor Adam Bloom did last night, when he resorted to flute-playing to get our attention.

So here are some handy hints for enjoying the fringe:

1. Don't even *think* about coming to Edinburgh without accommodation sorted out. Everything is booked. Stay with a friend if you can
.

2. Do not go to see comedians if you are easily offended. Almost all comics will use the f word liberally - some will go for the c word and worse. Many will refer to controversial topics like paedophilia. Adam Bloom told an eight year old girl last night she was going to grow up to be a lesbian. It was funny! If in doubt though, DON'T GO.

3. Please, respect the natives. Most of them are still holding down full time jobs - they're not on holiday like you. Let them walk down the street without barging into them to get a better view of some minor soap star who's just walked by.

4. Go to see as many shows as you can - you'll be tired but it's worth it. performances start early morning - some include breakfast - and go on until the wee small hours at night. Give it some energy!

5. Don't waste time queueing for tickets. Book on the phone, then swan to the front of the fringe Box Office queue to pick them up.

6. Don't moan about the prices. Pretend you're at Disneyland.


That's it. See you all at the Edinburgh Fringe!!!!!!!

(credits roll, people start shuffling to the exits)


This years celeb count so far:

Sean Hughes - drinking in The Barony

Nicholas Parsons and wife

Claire Sweeney

Gina the barmaid from Heartbeat

Carol Smillie - booo!

Elizabeth from Big Brother

Ralf Little - lurchio!

What's the scores George Dawes

and that bloke off the telly...

Oh... WHAT'S HIS NAME??????????????



**** UPDATE *** UPDATE *** UPDATE

Short and sweet - If you only see one show this fringe then make sure it's 'Puppy Love' by Andrew Glover. This man is indescribable - energetic, hilarious, eccentric and... at one point, totally naked! '*****' - The Scotsman.

Cut down your phone bills by ordering online - edfringe.com - thanks
to Elf for this tip.

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