COMPARING YOUR CHILD IS THE EASIEST WAY TO UNDERMINE YOURSELF (Baby Stages in general)

Member Name: chrissypops

Product:	Baby Stages in general
Date:	19/10/01 (440 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Babies and children are here to be enjoyed

Disadvantages: Parenting can be soo stressful sometimes

Whether you have children or not, I'm sure you have asked someone that burning question, " Are they walking yet?" Or even said " Shouldn't they be at such and such stage yet?" Why is it when it comes to our children , we want them to grow up quicker and be better then any other child?

I have two children, Jess whos is 3 ½ years old. As independent as they come, loving, fun yet clingly, unsure about the world, and insecure. Lucy who is 16 months, is very laid back even to the point that I have to scrap her off the floor at times. Two children, 2 years apart, 2 very different people in their own right. And even though I love them the same, I love them for very different reasons.

My title " Comparing your child is the easiest way to undermine yourself" rings very true for me. The first thing that most parents do as their baby grows from a dependent into an independent adult is show off. Ok, so I know that being proud of your children is natural and I'm not making reference to that. I'm talking about the parents who will constantly turn each stage your baby goes through into a competition. Most of you might know the type, " My child did this at ......", " my child did this before your child..." Just who are they trying to kid? Being a parent isn't about who did what first or who does what better. Parenting is about guiding, nurturing and building confidence into your child. Its hard being a confident parent. We all have doubts, worries, misconceptions and even more worry. Something I have discovered since having my second daughter is that I am more confident as a parent, and having confidence doesn't stop people criticising you. What it does stop is you listening to people picking holes in your parenting. It makes you more aware that each child should be treated as an individual and have different needs, wants and what works for one child, might not work for another.
r><br>Both my children have developed very differently, even though I feel that I have given them the same about of encouragement, time and nurturing. For example Jess walked at 10 months. Those faltering first steps with arms held high, bottom waggling and many bumps made me a very proud mum indeed. To me Jess needed to walk early because until she started moving she was quite an unhappy baby. Well, it seemed that way at the time.

A close friend of mine who has a child 6 weeks older than Jess always seemed to be one of those people who seemed to turn everything into a competition. Maybe it was the fact that I was suffering Post Natal Depression, but I felt she was always trying to get one up on me. Although Jess walked early, she wasn't very vocal. She would say "mum " or "dad" but that was all the audible words we could make out. Chloe, my friends daughter on the other hand was saying about 10 words. They say 6 weeks can make quite a lot of difference in a child's development and so true this is. I can remember coming off the phone to my friend one night after listening to her boasting about her daughter. I can remember I sobbed well into that night and most of next day because I thought Jess wasn't developing properly. I took it apon my shoulders that because I was suffering PND, I had scarred her in some way. Deprived her of the love and nurturing that she deserved. Sounds silly written down but I felt all this because I felt that my daughter was "behind" on something. She wasn't slow on her talking, she was just normal.. The truth was that a baby or a child hasn't a schedule to keep, they all develop differently and within a very wide range.

Lets take a simple stage that happens around 6 weeks. The very first smile. Ahh yes, that smile that melts any heart, mind and soul. The truth is that this first smile can happen from as early as 2 weeks or as late as 10 weeks which, as the Health
Visitor says, " within NORMAL range" A baby can mimic facial expressions just hours after birth, so if they are shown a smiley face as often as possible, that child might? smile earlier. You might hear people say.. "ohhh that's a windy smile..". So what if its a windy smile, a smile is a smile to me and its an important step to tell you that she recognises you and this comes under mental development.

Lets take another stage or milestone. One that's very commonly rushed and sort after which is walking. Walking to me is the biggest step ( no pun intended!) for a older baby. Its at this stage that they become a toddler. It is lovely to see your child take their first faltering steps, to encourage them but to me when Jess walked, I lost my baby, forever. Walking takes an awful lot of skill, coordination and loads of bumps. It can happen as early as 9 months or as late as 20 months and again this is within that normal range. So why is it when you see people and your baby is around the age of a year they say," Isn't it about time they walked?" The most common age of walking is around 15 months.

Lucy as I've said is 16 months and although is crawling, climbing the stairs on her own, standing on her own, she still isn't walking. If Lucy was my first then I would be down the Health Visitors asking them to test her and make sure she's Ok. I havent, Why?. Well I know she's Ok. Remember you know your child best. You spend the most time as a parent with them, so you know when something is wrong. It is hard not to worry, especially if you are a first time mum. But rest assured even second, third time parents worry and compare their children. Not so much with other peoples, but their own. I have again often wondered whether I encourage Lucy enough with her walking. I do worry about it but I know that her personality is completely different from Jess's. I'm not surprised that Lucy isn't
walking yet. Jess runs about getting toys and bits, plays with her and helps her about and I let them get on with it. So in a way I don't encourage her as much as I did with Jess. But then again I have to share my time between two children instead of one, they both still have time together and one to one with me or Tim. Saying that Lucy is more vocal than Jess was at this age, so even though a skill of your child might take a back seat for a while, they always balance is out with something that they are good at.

The best thing that I have found in my 3 ½ years of being a parent is try not to compare your child with anyone else's, even their siblings. Its extremely unhealthy, limiting and stops you from enjoying being a parent. If you really must refer to parenting book ( mine are in the bin), remember that whatever the age for a baby or child's milestones or stages is typically average. This means that in every 100 babies, the stage you are looking at, happens at that age in, 50 children will be earlier, 50 will be later in achieving this stage. Unless your Health Visitor is worried, or you yourself are very concerned let your baby develop into a confident, happy, easy going child. Saying that some Health Visitors, especially ones who have no children of their own and do things " by the book" tend to be a bit over the top, and can be quite concerned if your baby isn't achieving a stage on time. If they are generally concerned and do refer your baby to a specialist, then try not to worry. Out of 100 cases that are referred only a fraction find anything wrong. Take the consultation and try not to take it apon yourself that its your fault, it isn't. These milestones are in place so the health team can make sure that your baby and child can make sure that they develop within normal range and therefore detect a problem earlier. If there is a problem, then they can hopefully pin point it and sort it out, if they can.



<br><br>Like any child, babies will develop at different rates and a lot determines that. A baby's personality, interaction with other children, encouragement on your part all play on how your baby develops into a child and then into an adult. So what matters are not so much if your child can do what your friends' child of the same age can do now, but that your child gets exposure to the correct developmental learning. Why? Because we know that development is predictable and follows an orderly sequence and all skills are interrelated, and lastly children learn best from their first teachers - their parents.

If you find that you do want to encourage your baby into meeting these stages, playing and having fun is the best answer. Talk to your child from day 1 but remember to give your baby some quiet time to. Its no fun when you have someone nattering in your ear 24 hours a day. Remember to leave spaces so your baby can talk back to you. Singing nursery rhythms is an excellent way to communicate with your baby and don't forget those actions!

If you want to encourage movement give your baby some space, floor space that is. Take them out of the Moses basket. bouncy chair and lay them on the floor and let them have a kick about. This helps them strengthen their muscles and they also become aware of the area around their own bodies. You can even do small exercises like bouncing them on your knee, action rhythms to help strengthen those leg and arm muscles ready for crawling.

To encourage mental development, smile, smile, smile :-) Use toys which give a variety of textures, sounds and once weaning, tastes. Don't just stick to plastic toys because they are easy to clean, choose fabric, wooden and jingley jangley ones too. One of the first things a baby is aware of is her hands and feet. Encourage this by using ankle or wrist rattles when she's on the floor. You can also use a bouncy chair so she can look aroun
d and see what you are doing. Playing games such as hiding toys when they are older can be a great source of fun, let alone improve your baby's memory and don't forget soft books too.


This opinion is about baby development in general and although I havent gone through all the baby stages there are, the point I really want to get is that each child should be treated as individuals. Enjoy your child, play and be a confident parent. When your children are older and you look back on their child hood, instead of thinking " Where has all the time gone, I wish they were children again". You will be thinking," Time has flown by, but at least my children were children before they became adults"