I'm Still A Mommy at Night (Bed Sharing)

Member Name: ladybahnsidhe

Product:	Bed Sharing
Date:	17/03/01 (142 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Sounder sleep and happier family

Disadvantages: They can be squiggly little worms

There's one guilty secret I love letting slip at the playground. It invariably gets a few shifty-eyed glances around to see who else is listening, then everyone edging closer, lowering their voices and whispering.. "My kids sleep with me too..."

It's one of those hotly contested issues of parenting -- do you take your child to bed with you? Isn't that dangerous? Aren't you spoiling them? Won't they get used to it and refuse to sleep anywhere else? And what about.. you know.. privacy?

Everyone, it seems, has heard a nightmare tale about a drunken mother who rolled over and smothered her child in his sleep. Or the one about the child falling out of bed and smashing his head on the floor. Or just hints that it's somehow unsavoury and unhealthy. And yet, try it -- confess among a group of young parents that your children sleep with you, and see how many own up to doing the same.

Well, really, they'll tell you, they know that they shouldn't, but they do like that little warm body tucked up against them. And those times are so enjoyable. And really, it's so much easier than getting up and walking them till the fall asleep, only to wake again when they're put down.

So what *is* so wrong about letting your children sleep with you? The most horrific possibility that gets touted is that you might harm your child by rolling over onto them in your sleep. I do not know of a single documented case of this actually happening. (I will add the disclaimer that it's possible, particularly if one of the adults has been drinking heavily or has their senses otherwise dulled.) The simple fact is that I am a very large woman, and each of my five children has slept (and sometimes still do sleep) in my bed, and never once has anything remotely approaching that happened. I found, rather, that I was far more in tune with my child's needs, particularly while they were still nursing, almost always waki
ng at their first stirring. Even in my sleep, I was acutely aware of where my child was. If you think this is far-fetched, consider this: how often do you fall out of bed, or even come close? Even in your sleep, your mind is aware of where the edges of the bed are.

**Well, all right then. What about *them* falling out of bed?
This one is a very real possibility, particularly with an infant. There are some easy safety measures you can take, though, to prevent it. The simplest is to place the child between the parents, letting them serve as bumpers. I do NOT however, advocate placing a child on the 'wall' side of the bed. There is far too much chance of their tiny bodies slipping between bed and wall. Instead, if you're without another adult in the bed, you can use the method recommended to me by another nursing mother. Wrap the blanket over and then under your child, then tuck the end under your own body. This forms a sort of 'pocket' or hammock, so that even if the baby slips off the edge of the bed, the blanket (or sheet) supports them and keeps them from falling to the ground.

**But won't you spoil them?
Well, now that's all a matter of perspective as to what 'spoiling' is. I recall several pearls of wisdom shared with me when I was a new mother. Among these: You'll never spoil a child by tending to its needs. I am a mother twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I don't stop being a mother just because I'm sleeping. More to the point, my child doesn't stop needing me just because I'm asleep. Children need more than feeding, burping and changing. They need touching and holding and cuddling. There is a misconception that children who get used to sleeping with their parents will grow up clingy and dependent. I can tell you from personal experience that when children are allowed to decide when they are ready to sleep alone, they are far more independent and secure.

My c
hildren have always been welcome in my bed. They were put to bed in their own beds, and if they woke during the night, came into mine. The most basic advantage was that they settled right down, so *I* could go back to sleep. The end result was a far less cranky mother overall, therefore a happier baby. In addition, since all my child needed to fall asleep comfortably was the assurance that if they woke, I was there, they slept easily in any circumstance. At family outings, when nieces and nephews were cranky and screaming, my munchkins slept blissfully on a nappy sack in the corner of the living room.

The only exception to the sleeping with me rule was my fourth child. Because of his physical condition, a severe case of sleep apnea (for those who don't know, sleep apnea is a condition where the sufferer stops breathing for periods of time during sleep), Jared was on an electrical monitor for most of his first two years. The machine measured his heart and respiration rate during sleep, and set off an alarm if it stepped outside certain ranges. If he slept with me, the monitor sensors would pick up my heart rate as well as his, and set off false alarms which woke us both in a panic. Instead, he slept in a crib in my room. Of all my children, he is the one who wakes from nightmares. At 9 years old, he seldom sleeps through the night. Even now, he is likely to end up in my bed at least once or twice a week.

Overall, sleeping with my children has been a positive experience for all of us. That's not to say that there haven't been drawbacks to it now and then. We went through periods (usually during some upheaval or another), when all three of my youngers needed mom during the night. Some nights, I woke to a child against my back, another against my chest, and a third sleeping curled up with his head on my knee, needing desperately to go to the loo, but afraid to move and wake them all. Offsetting that, though, I have never once had to sit u
p half the night trying to get a child back to sleep, or tried unsuccessfully to creep out of their rooms after they've seemingly nodded off. We never have battled separation anxiety -- they knew I was right there. I've never had to chase monsters or ghosts -- they wouldn't dare come into Mom's room!

Oh, and private time.. dad and I always found plenty of time for that, even if we had to be a little creative on occasion. After all, the children weren't *always* in our beds.. and when they were, well... we learned that there are plenty of places that mom and dad can sneak off to in the middle of the night.

So would I recommend it to everyone? No. Like anything else, if it doesn't feel right or natural to you, you shouldn't force yourself. If you drink, or are on medication that makes you drowsy, it's better safe than sorry. Both parents should be happy with the arrangement. Arguments between you will make no one happy. When all is said and done, you have to do what's right for you. For me, it was opening my bed to my children.

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