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Being a Parent
Member Name: writer29
Being a Parent
Date: 02/12/01, updated on 04/12/01 (61 review reads)
Advantages: Its in the best interests of your child
Disadvantages: Can be difficult, painful and upsetting
There are many reasons why men and women become single parents. Sometimes the split is a civil one and sometimes both parents actually remain friends. But there are many times when the split is acrimonious and neither parent wants to see or speak to each other.
When there are bad feelings between two parents, they may often try to play manipulative games and practice spiteful behaviour in their hate for each other. But where does this leave the child?
My parents got divorced when I was fourteen. Around a year later, one day my mother called me down from my room. I remember her exact words. “Nikkie, daddy isn’t your real dad you know”. No preparation, no build up just that statement.
I had not yet adjusted fully to the split of who I thought were my mum and dad, and I guess in hindsight, what she told me was in fact her way of trying to help me come to terms with it better. But it shattered my whole life and I am still affected by it today, some fifteen years later.
It turned out that the reason they didn’t stay together was that as soon as she told him she was pregnant, he told her he was married. She told him to get lost and never saw him again and all she remembers about him is his name. All of my family knew about it, but no-one ever told me.
Deep down, I know that if he cared he would have tried to see me, but I also think my mum should have at least tried to make some kind of contact for my benefit. My children have a grand father out there somewhere they don’t know. I still resent my mum for this although I love her dearly and even though I cannot forgive her, I have had to let it go for my relationship with my mother to be meaningful.
I know how difficult this can be. My eldest daughter’s father was violent, he didn’t hit me but would try and push me around. He tried to make me feel small, vulnerable and was always belittling me. He also had lots of other women. W
e broke up after he held a knife up to my throat on our daughter’s sixth birthday. I called the police on him - this was the last straw.
I know without doubt that he would never physically hurt my daughter. He took his frustration with himself out on me because of jealousy. He could not cope with the fact that I earned almost three times what he did, even though it didn’t matter to me.
Despite the fact that I can’t stand him I allow him to come to my home to collect her. We say hello, how are you and that’s about it. We do not argue there is no point. I would never have wanted my child to go through the pain I suffered by not knowing my father. I have always encouraged contact, although he doesn’t see her quite as much as he should, but that’s another story!
The point of this rather long op is that unless you know that your child is 'at risk' from the other parent there should be no reason to prevent your child having access to them. You chose to have children. This brings with it a duty to have their best interests at the forefront of every decision you make that affects them. Not you.