The Hardest, Worst, Best, Most Rewarding Job in the World (Being a Parent)

Member Name: marandina

Product:	Being a Parent
Date:	14/05/02 (508 review reads)
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Life is just key moments that get played back in those milliseconds of celluloid flickering on your final canvass. Have you ever looked up at the sky, watching the clouds floating along thinking that life mostly is every day banality summed up by the unhurried motion of white whisperings carrying rain for later? Just sometimes, parenting can be so. Like everything else, it?s mainly daily duty with seconds, minutes, hours, days and months passing in the blinking of an eye.

I?ve written before about my thoughts on smacking children and even the effects of solvent abuse. This one seems to follow on from my last opinion where I alluded to my son?s reformed character in school and seeing as I trust you guys just a little more I feel that I can open this one up to you to get your feedback but also to place on record an honest account that may help future readers that are going through the same emotions as I.

It?s always a good idea to start at the beginning so cast your minds back to 1992. One of those special memories that will be played back at my ultimate film show was the birth of my daughter. I can remember being in awe as she slipped out of my wife?s womb. She didn?t cry she coughed. Yes, I distinctly remember a little cough and being amazed at how defined her beautiful little face was. From that moment on I was consigned to a job for life ? being a parent. My daughter is no trouble at all. She does well at everything at school being a real pleasure to teach apparently. If anything she is too shy which is why I enrolled her into Karate lessons to bolster her confidence. She?s doing well but that?s hardly a surprise. Easy so far, eh?

Now it?s 1995 and my wife is about to give birth again. I?ve always wanted a boy. Don?t get me wrong, my daughter means the world to me but the childhood I had left me wanting a boy so that I could, at least in my own mind, put things to rights by bringing him up in the best way that I could. This would almost
give me a sense of redemption leaving me to take my bow with a clear conscience and a purged soul.

My wife gives birth to a boy in the early hours and it?s like winning the European Cup (forgive the footie analogy but it just was). I remember driving home in an excited state, punching the air and shouting to myself picking up some funny looks but I didn?t care really. Life?s too short you know?

How lucky can I be? Maybe I have 2 perfect kids on my hands? Sadly, life isn?t as straightforward as that is it?

Chalk and cheese is the phrase that applies. My daughter becomes the perfect student, my son threatened with being thrown out at the age of 6! Problem is, you see, he?s hyper active. He simply can?t concentrate on things and causes all sorts of mayhem in the classroom.

It all started in nursery really. We?d get reports of his latest outburst as he whacked some poor kid for interfering with his train track. His nursery teachers were very patient with one in particular taking a shine to him and being his guardian angel. He is very endearing too, you see. He is a very comical lad with a huge personality. He?s been cracking gags since the age of 4 (why did the chip fall down the well? ?cos it had no eyes), has an angelic face and will be a handsome lad when he?s older (no idea where he gets any of it from). So we realise we have something of a firebrand on our hands but nursery contains him and he moves on to junior school.

James struggles in junior school. He?s inattentive, hyperactive and, at times, disrespectful. We can?t understand it. He gets a nice life at home. We never smack him. He gets lots of toys and all that stuff. We don?t understand. So anyway, his teacher introduces the concept of a smiley face chart. This involves plotting his behaviour on an hour-by-hour basi
s. Each time he is good he gets a smiley face sticker. If he isn't good then he doesn't. The thing is that it's a formal record that
builds up quickly. At the end of the week we could tie in his overall record with giving him a reward if he's done well.

This seemed to work in his first year, as he got progressively better with time. End of story we thought and good for us in having 2 well behaved kids.

Into year 2 and his behaviour deteriorates again. Not satisfied with belting the odd kiddie for something innocuous, he moves onto adults. The condition *Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder starts to get bandied about trying to explain away his hyperactive state. One minute he's fine, the next the smallest distraction amongst other kids sets him off. His teacher even tells us that she gets him to sit on his own to avoid him being distracted. He simply can't concentrate.

My working pattern allows me to pick them up from school on Thursday afternoons and I quickly start to dread the experience. Time after time I get called in as the teacher tells me of his latest misdemeanours. We have everything from clouting other kids to lashing out at teachers to stamping on dinner ladies feet (on more than one occasion). The coup de gras is the day she tells me that she has had to put him in a formal hold as he refused to go to timeout and starting thrashing around again endangering other children. Both my wife and myself wonder where we can possibly go from here.

The ultimate happens as we get a letter from the Headmaster summoning us to a visit. Rather guiltily, I have to confess that it was during the week I was In Leeds. My wife refused to re-arrange it, rather bravely going ahead on her own. You can imagine our feelings at being summoned. Shame, guilt, apprehension a real plethora of emotion.

The meeting went ahead involving the Headmaster, my boy's teacher and my wife. They re-assured my good lady that it was merely to re-enforce the strategy that they were undertaking at school. They wanted us to do the same at home to advance his behavio
ur. So he gets a smiley chart at home too. Miraculously, this meeting proved to be a watershed. I did suggest to James that he may get thrown out of school before the meeting, which he listened to in his silent manner but seemed to take it in.

A few months later and he's doing OK. He's still that fiery little boy that he was before but he seems to be learning respect for others and I'm not so worried about picking him up anymore. I even get discreet thumbs up from his teacher when I pick him up to indicate a good day.

Needless to say that this isn't the end. My wife is a saint with the kids and works with them every night. She goes through their spellings, reading and always reads them a story. I get involved too but not on the same scale as my wife. She puts me to shame as a parent and I often feel guilty about not doing enough. The latest issue is the possibility of **autism. James is slow at reading and she's been asked to take extra work on to help him. Of course, she's done it despite all the other things that she does. I'm making a conscious effort now to do more and even writing this gives me more of a resolve to try harder.

So what can I make of this and how will it help you? There are positive things to suggest that parents can take on board and maybe the following may help:

 Everyone has a view on what makes a good parent. However, there is no such thing as a perfect parent (honestly). The worst offender in my situation is my ma-in-law who has been fostering for 30 years. She has rigid views on what a good parent should or shouldn?t do but it?s unrealistic to try to live up to other people?s expectations. Sure, take their advice on occasions but have your own values and don?t be bounced around by trying to be the perfec
t article.

 There are literally reams of information that has been written about parenting. The book that we refer to from time to time is called &
quot;A ? Z Guide to Your Child?s Behaviour" and is published by Piccadilly Press in London. It is compiled by the Children?s National Medical Centre under the direction of David Mrazek, M.D., and William Garrison, PhD. It is aimed at ages birth to 12 and is an excellent reference document encompassing a myriad of situations that a parent may encounter. The only concern I have with books like this is that it can be a bit like having a medical journal where every disease known to man is listed. There is a tendency to make the symptoms fit the disease when it may just be something perfectly innocent. Please only use these types of books as a guide without getting carried away with what you find. There is always your local GP who will have a view and deal with lots of similar situations to yours. This book cost £8.99 and will be available via whsmiths.co.uk or amazon.com.

 I was reading the Sunday Times one morning and found a pull out on websites. This particular one featured lots of parental one?s, which gave bucket loads of information including live forums on different aspects of parenting. The folks on these sites are just every-day-Joes just like you and me and will give a totally honest account of their own problems. Often, just talking to someone else can be the solution you were looking for. You can try parentindex.co.uk, which has all sorts of useful sections for parents including advice on bullying, feeding, bedwetting and so on. The BBC has an authoritative area on their site devoted to parental issues at bbc.co.uk. You could even try parentsoup.com, which looks like a magazine from the main portal and is packed with loads of interesting info and articles relevant to parents. There are chatrooms you can go to in order to have a chin wag with like-minded souls that are in all probability having the same stresses and hassle as you!

 In our specific circumstances, talking to the parties involved was paramount. Try to trust
the school where appropriate. The staff are trained in these matters often spending longer in a day with your child than you do! They?ll also get to see a different side that you probably don?t allowing them to be a little more objective. It?s commonplace for kids to take their parents for granted and behave in a totally different way with parents as opposed to other folks. How many times do I get problems presented to me at work that seem intractable at the time but invariably are solved by talking? Communication is so important and when it breaks down that's when problems start.

Parenting is the hardest, worst, best and most rewarding job in the world. My children are a delight (most of the time) and I wouldn't have it any other way. You will be bombarded with all sorts of opinions and advice from the most well meaning of folks as your kids grow up. If I will leave you with anything it's this: please do not try to be the perfect parent, there is no such thing. I realise that there is a long road ahead with the signpost for teenagedom not far away and I?m sure that people are itching to tell me of far worse circumstances than mine. I suppose everything is relative whilst I understand that as Jake Burn?s once sang "...and there?s always someone better of than you." Just sit down for a few moments and think what you would have liked from your parents when you were a child. Once you've got past the obvious more toys and sweets you'll maybe find that it is mainly behavioural and may even be almost subliminal. The difference between success and failure can be very blurred. Whatever else happens, remember that you did your best and will never stop being a parent. If you do your best then often that should be go
od enough. Good luck!

Thanks for reading.

Marandina.

***Jan 2003***
Since writing this, my son now attends a special needs class one day a week and has to attend for a term. The idea is to
bottom out the reasons for his misbehaviour and put him back on track so that he can access his education more effectively. It's early days but the signs are good. This project is in it's infancy in Northampton but from what I've seen it should be nationwide. Perhaps I'll write about the project seperately when we've been on it longer.

Notes:

*Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) occurs in around 3% of children in the US according to the American Psychiatric Association. Symptoms are inattention, impulsivity and activity levels. Sufferers are often described as human tornadoes. Often boys have this condition. A chemical imbalance is the main suspect although research continues today as to the exact cause and best treatment.

**Autism affects about 4 in every 100000 children. Again, mainly males are affected and symptoms are a persistent lack of interest in social relationships and abnormal language development. Autistic children are often hyperactive and inattentive. There is no known cure for autism although treatment programmes to control the condition are available.

I genuinely believe that my son does not suffer from either.

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