A New Member to the Family! (Bonding With Step-Children)

Member Name: RW1962

Product:	Bonding With Step-Children
Date:	07/10/08 (121 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Husband is happy

Disadvantages: Rest of us are in turmoil and feel threatened and jealous of this new arrival

My story is spread over 16 years. In 1992 I was separated when I met my current husband. At the time my 2 children were nearly 7 and 4. My new partner had 2 children from a previous marriage aged 6 and 5 who lived with their parents. After dating for about 3 months my new partner moved in with me and my children. At that stage the children's father who had set up home with another woman, was having regular contact with them. We have my partner's 2 children every weekend and they came to stay regularly. Every year we all went on holiday together and we got on really well. We married in 1996. There were difficulties with my first husband over contact when he would not turn up to collect them when he had promised etc. and we had to comfort the children. There were also issues at school when the teachers would say that they knew when they had seen their father as their school work and attention span dropped dramatically. I made the decision to suggest cutting staying contact to school holidays only to avoid the children the lengthy journey to and from their father's home. Unfortunately he took exception to this and cut off contact all together, no birthday or christmas cards or anything else. By this time he had 2 further children with his new partner.
My husband has therefore brought the children up for the last 16 years and they have a lovely relationship with both him and their stepbrother and sister which I also love dearly.
We now have another issue which has arisen. Shortly after I met my current husband he told me that he had been married for a very short time after his first marriage failed and his 2nd wife had had a baby girl, although he was not sure whether the baby was his or not. That baby is now 19, the same age as my daughter and has got in contact with my husband. She wrote a very strong and bitter letter and posted it through his parents' door. She had moved away from our town but has moved back and is living with family friends about 1/2 a mile from us. My husband immediately made contact and it has been a whirlwind ever since. I have found it very uncomfortable to say the least that this girl can come into our lives and expect everything to just fall into place. The children are not sure about her at all and my husband's natural daughter wants a dna test done. Our life is in turmoil. In my husband's eyes he doesn't see the problem and thinks everyone should get on but its not quite as easy as that. Does anyone have any suggestions how we handle this?

Summary: How do we accept another adult into the fold