Terrible Teens? (Early Teens in general)

Member Name: Kukana

Product:	Early Teens in general
Date:	27/02/05 (1083 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Great people developing new responsibilities, Potential for good relationships with parents

Disadvantages: Hormones, peer pressure, changing personality emphasis.....

Teenagers get a pretty bad press these days. Some parenting books warn readers that their children will be impossible to deal with at two phases of life: the toddler years, and the early teenage ones.

Is this really fair? It doesn't seem so to me. It's not easy being a teenager, with hormones rampant, and the tension between growing independence and a continued need for parental support. But in my experience - I have two teenage sons, and was a teenager myself many years ago! - there are plenty of teenagers who emerge from these years without too many scars, without any major rebellion, and without ever really losing communication with their parents.

Why, then, do some teenagers rebel and fight, or become morose and sullen, while others seem to mature and develop responsibility, going through the teenage years with very few clashes with their parents?

~~ Personality differences

Firstly it's related to personality. One personality typing system (Myers-Briggs) suggests that children from the age of about six to twelve are mainly developing their most preferred way of relating to the world. At around age twelve, if all goes well, they begin to develop their secondary preference. A child who has been a quiet, logical thinker may suddenly become more outgoing, full of apparently crazy ideas. And if his school (or home) quenches his ideas, or tries to push him back into the mould of being quiet and logical, he may become depressed or lose his self-esteem.

Equally, a child who has been outgoing and practical may start to develop his inward feelings during the teenage years. These are the children who seem to become suddenly morose, refusing to speak. It's not that they don't like their parents, just that they are learning to deal with new inward emotions, and how to draw on internal strength. Add this to the churning hormones of puberty, and newly awakened interest in those of the opposite sex - or confusion about sexuality in general - and it's not surprising that many teens suddenly find themselves unable to discuss very much with their parents.

~~ Self-esteem and peer pressure

Secondly, teenage unpleasantness can be related to poor self-esteem and peer pressure. Even if parents are understanding of hormonal and personality changes, schools can be hard and unpleasant places. Usually children move to new and larger schools when they are eleven - suddenly thrust out of the friendly atmosphere of the primary school, where they know everyone and are amongst the oldest, to the harsh environment of secondary school. Here there are hundreds of other people, new schedules, and the feeling of being out of place, struggling as a new student where everyone else seems to know what's going on.

Bullying is rife in many secondary schools; not just physical bullying (which can often be dealt with) but teasing, and emotional bullying. A student who is already uncomfortable with his changing body, or worried about being 'different', or simply struggling to cope with the new school environment, may well decide to fall in with peer pressure and take up anti-social habits, just so that he feels part of an important group.

Some families opt to educate their children at home for the first couple of years of secondary school; this can be an excellent way of helping your children get through adolescence without the unhelpful effect of a new school at the same time. If this isn't possible, do what you can to encourage your child to make one or two friends who can give him more confidence while in school. You may not feel like inviting other teenagers to your home regularly, particularly if their parents do not reciprocate, but it could make a positive difference to your child's general self-esteem.

If there is nobody at school who he wants to be friendly with, perhaps a group out of school would help, such as Scouting, or a religious youth group, or a drama class where he could explore his emotions safely. A creative hobby such as music or art can be another way of enabling him to feel more confident and to express his feelings, but don't pressurise him to do something that doesn't appeal, or which he thinks he isn't very good at.

~~ Over-restrictive parenting?

Teenage unpleasantness can sometimes be due to over-restrictive or coercive parenting. It's easy for parents to forget how fast their teenagers are growing up, and to continue to treat them as children. But teenagers are a modern phenomenon. In ancient societies, twelve was the age at which boys were admitted to adult life. In the Middle Ages, people were usually married at about twelve or thirteen. I'm not suggesting that this is a good thing, but it's worth remembering.

Twelve-year-olds are no longer small children. They are capable of looking after themselves, of taking responsibility about the house. They should be trusted, and free to make many decisions themselves. If you have house rules, make sure they're discussed frequently, and your teenagers' opinions taken into account. We should treat children as we would adults, not tell them to be quiet and go away. If they want to experiment with new hairstyles or buying their own clothes, they should be able to do so without having snide comments from the rest of the family. They should be totally responsible for their own bedrooms, too - not required to keep them clean to their parents' standards, but able to live in a muddle of clutter if they choose. They need to learn that there are good reasons for tidiness, and not simply pick things up to please Mother.

~~ Communication problems

Teenage unpleasantness can also be due to lack of successful communication. Ross Campbell in his excellent book 'How to really love your teenager' outlines the ways that parents often fail to let their children and teens know just how much they love them. Either it's taken for granted, or shown in ways that the children do not understand. Campbell suggests that there are some significant things we can do:

- make sure we give hugs and some physical contact (even just sitting close on the sofa while watching TV)

- maintain eye contact while talking with teens, watching their faces and expressions, smiling

- spend time with them doing what they choose, or working together. Treat them as friends, ask their advice, draw on their gifts and strengths in ways that are flattering without being over-demanding

- listen to their concerns, even if they seem boring or incomprehensible. If your teenager is telling you something that's important to him, it's a terrible rejection to tell him to go and talk to someone else, or change the subject. Take him seriously.

Ross Campbell describes the 'emotional tank' which we all carry around, and which affects the way we relate to other people and our general mood. If your teenager is in a particularly bad mood, it may simply be that he's been working hard and is feeling emotionally drained. Time and time again I'm surprised (although I shouldn't be by now!) what a difference it can make to a moody teenager simply to sit down next to them and listen to them talking for twenty minutes. It doesn't have to be deep or significant talk - sometimes it's about a project he's been working on that's actually way over my head! But the very act of physical closeness and a listening ear somehow refils the teenage 'emotional tank', and helps him to feel significant and appreciated again.

~~ What parents can do

Children and teenagers are not predictable. Above are some of the commonest reasons why rebellion, or aggressiveness, or general moodiness might happen, but sometimes there are no obvious reasons at all. No parents are perfect (I'm certainly not!) and it's important that we don't blame ourselves when our teenagers go through bad patches. Hugs and listening are always appropriate, but if we're fairly certain we have given our teens plenty of attention and affection, and there's nothing obvious that's causing them stress, then it may just be something that needs to be worked through.

How we do that depends primarily on the child's personality and current needs. If he tends to become angry, he may need some physical release - a long walk, or a good game of tennis, or even digging in the garden can help to work off some tensions. If done with a parent, this may provide time and space for conversation and expression of the frustrations. Do encourage your teenagers to express their anger verbally, and discuss ways of dealing with it, if possible. Help them to focus their anger on its cause rather than taking it out on others, and to find constructive ways of working through it.

If, by contrast, your teenager tends to become melancholic and morose, he may simply be needing a little more emotional attention than usual. This may happen for a creative child after a major concert or drama production, or even after an enjoyable holiday. Don't bring out clichés or tell him to count his blessings. He probably already realises that his mood isn't rational. Just let him know that you still love him, perhaps with an extra hug, or by baking some of his favourite food. Don't ever let your teenagers think that some feelings are not valid; I know how easy it is, as a parent, to want my children to be happy all the time, and to be worried when they're sad. But they need to know that they're acceptable as people no matter how they're feeling, and that if they feel melancholy, it's not something wrong.

Of course if teenage depression becomes marked and lasts more than a day or two, it may be necessary to get medical advice. Listen to your instincts.

If, despite everything, you have a teenager who simply shuts himself in his room listening to loud music, and not communicating anything at all other than grunts, there's not a whole lot you can do while he's there. But it's important to avoid commenting on his lack of sociability; even gentle teasing is unlikely to help. Once again it's vital to let him know that you fully accept him for who he is, and will never stop loving him. Try to find something positive to say when you can, and if he won't allow you to get close enough for a hug, try a pat on the shoulder. This kind of phase does usually pass without causing any problems if parents simply accept it.

Do also remember, at all times, who is the adult! If your teenager becomes irrationally angry, or sulks, or tells you you're completely out of touch or that he loathes everything you stand for ... don't take it personally. Don't shout and scream back, but give him the freedom to leave the table, or go to his room, or go out for a walk so he can cool off. The chances are he'll return having forgotten about his outburst, so long as you have not reacted back - and so long as you don't try to make a huge deal of it later on.

~~ What about more serious problems?

There are some teenagers who, despite their parents doing all they can, will embark on potentially dangerous or even illegal behaviour. No matter how relaxed you are in your parenting, there are inevitably some actions that cross the line between acceptable and unacceptable; where this line is drawn will vary from family to family. How do you react if you discover that - for instance - your child has been taking hard drugs, or is highly promiscuous without using any form of protection?

I don't personally have experience of this kind of problem, either from my own teenage years or from my sons - not yet, anyway! But all I've read and heard on these topics suggest that the general principles above must still hold: let your teenager know that you love him unconditionally, and ensure you're always there to listen, without judging him as a person. On the other hand, you must let him know what you think of a dangerous activity he's taking part in, and why you're anxious on his behalf. If you can stay calm and loving after making your discovery about his behaviour, you may be able to present some positive steps forward: professional counselling, for instance. You can also draw up some boundaries within the home, preferably in discussion, although these should be as few as possible. Remember to be clear that you are condemning or forbidding a particular behaviour, and not your teenager himself.

And if the worst comes to the worst, despite your care and communication? If your beliefs are appropriate, pray for your teenager, and also for yourself. If you need someone outside the family to talk to, find a trusted friend who won't break your confidence, or a pastor or counsellor, and tell them honestly how you're feeling. Keep a private journal if it helps. Above all, keep on letting your teenager know by whatever means you can know that you love him (even if you dislike his behaviour) and will never reject him.

[This is a partly-rewritten version of an article on teenagers that I wrote a few years ago for my home education web-site. I've used male pronouns throughout to refer to a teenager because I have sons myself, but each time it could of course equally refer to a girl.]

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