CAN YOUR CHILDREN SHARE YOU WITH ANOTHER CHILD ? (Fostering)

Member Name: thingywhatsit

Product:	Fostering
Date:	11/09/06 (302 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Well planned, the experience can be a worthwhile one.

Disadvantages: Badly planned and with the wrong motives, the experience can spell disaster.

I read a review the other day which prompted me to write mine, on the subject of Fostering. You see, what that review did was something I should have done a long time ago, i.e. used my experience of fostering in an effort to help those trying to make the decision whether fostering children is right for them. My family was a large family. My mother had six children, although what she developed as we grew up was a seeming disinterest in anything except babies. Sounds strange doesn't it ? Although I know that one of my sisters inherited the same trait. It's almost as if there is a need to have little infants around them, and once my sisters and my brother had grown sufficiently to be at school, my mother fostered little children and brought them into our lives. This was never discussed in advance. We would arrive home from school to find yet another stray in the house, and although we didn't resent them that much at the time, the long term effect on us all was a marked one.

My mother held the record for the County for the number of short term stays in our home. There were literally hundreds of kids that passed through our childhood, and whilst some were adorable, others were extremely troubled and attention seeking. Our lives as children were totally disrupted and somehow our needs took a back burner. My mother thought that the way in which she was dealing with these kids was okay, but what she failed to see was the effect that it had on us. A prime example is being woken in the middle of the night at eight years old, knowing that I was about to be asked to clean the cot after one of the children had made themselves sick. Sounds like nothing, perhaps, to a lot of people, though listening to the child vomit every night in the darkness for weeks on end, and having to clear it up had a marked effect on me, to the extent that forty years later I still have a phobia that will not allow me to be physically sick. My sister was similarly affected after finding one of the foster children attempting to hang themselves in the back garden. She still has nightmares. The child badly bruised their neck and did not die, though the effect of that event still haunts my sister at the age of 56 years old.

Children who need fostering are at a time in their lives when the normal security that is afforded children is not available within their own family unit. This can happen for many reasons, although having taken that security away from a child, it places them in a very vulnerable situation of having to learn to live with strangers. Looking at the situation from their point of view – they are placed with people they do not know, are expected to act as normal children, and many of them cannot cope with the change, especially the younger ones, such as were fostered by my mother.

The reason for writing the review is in an attempt to make fostering a smoother path for people who decide to embark upon giving a child a home, even on a short term basis. There are things that need to be looked at, and I would suggest the following criteria are very necessary.

1)What are your motives ? Are you trying to fill a gap in your life and do you really think that a temporary fix like a short stay foster child will fill the gap other than in the short term ?
Are you doing it for financial reward ? Do you really have a feeling for children that need help and understanding ?
2)Could you discuss the possibility with your kids and find out how they react to a stranger being introduced into their lives ?
3)Can you juggle the upbringing of your own kids with giving a safety barrier to a child in need without something being neglected ?

The next issue really is one of practicality. It really is important to think of what age of child would fit in with your own family, and also what age of child you think your family would be able to give the best experience to. It's not just the child that you are helping that counts here. Your own children are going to be going through an adjustment as well, and their input is so essential before taking that plunge.

Take a look at the routine of your house, and try and determine how you could change that routine and make it work for everyone without passing the load to the children, because, at the end of the day they are kids and need a childhood as much as the child being fostered. Whilst my sisters and I did much of the work we were asked to do with a good heart, it did get wearing when it was never discussed with us, and I know that at some time or other each of us resented these children that were taking our mother further and further away from our needs as growing children. Discussed with us in advance, and each of us being asked to put a little thought into how we could have made it work would have made us feel more important to the whole experience, instead of feeling that everything was decided without us, and that what we thought didn't matter.

Another trait of my mothers was to spoil these children, and I realise that much of this was almost like a grandmother spoils their grandkids rotten, but what she forgot amidst all the giving was that the children have to go back to parents that are possibly not in a position to give in the same manner, and one of the children kept running away from their parents once reunited, and coming back to our house, simply because my mother had over-indulged them with lavish gifts.

At the end of the day, a childhood is sacred. You only get one shot at it, and whether talking about your own kids or possible foster kids, you need to remember to make decisions that suit both, because both have equal needs. Fostering children in my mothers case was self indulgent, rather than well motivated. There are many reasons why people do charitable things, and one of the worst motives is for praise. Once you have questioned your motives and are satisfied that you want to foster to help children have a better childhood, but also to give the experience to your own children of being able to help someone less fortunate than themselves, you are half way to becoming a good foster parent. Talking with your kids, letting them understand why strangers need to share their home, and encouraging them to nurture the child and to make their stay beneficial all round is essential.

At 11 years old, I was in foster care. Why ? I feel that the lack of forethought on the part of my mother, and the lack of care shown towards her own children made life unbearable. I ran away and became a child in care, so have seen the picture from both sides. One family I stayed with had prepared their kids for my stay and the difference between the atmosphere of my own home and theirs was astounding. I found security. I found a family that pulled together instead of in different directions. Those kinds of families are out there, and if you are fortunate enough to be one that considers all angles, then you really are needed as a foster parent. These people still write to me forty years later. Now that's what I call valuable and lasting, and it's been an interesting voyage seeing the children I stayed with for such a short time growing up and developing as happy adults.

I hope that my short review helps someone with their decision. A wrong one can make the world of difference, though a well thought out family decision really can help a child that needs it.

I wish you well.

Rachel

Summary: If you have your family's support in the venture, go for it.