Other people's children...... (Fostering)

Member Name: millergirl

Product:	Fostering
Date:	13/09/01 (180 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: For the child it hopefully gives them as normal a life as they can hope for outside of thier own family, For the foster carers, the rewards are limitless, you do get back so much more than you give!

Disadvantages: It is far from perfect for child or families

Please, as you start reading this op, forget everything you’ve seen on Coronation Street, or even in one Simpsons episode, that is not typical fostering!

I’ll try to tell you a little first about foster care and then I’ll tell you some of my experiences (I’m still talking about fostering here) and finish by trying to recruit some of you!

What is foster care?

There are times when some children cannot be looked after by their own families for either a short time or maybe for many years. Some children will go into residential homes run by the local authorities but the majority will go to ordinary family homes and live as an albeit temporary part of that family. The children remain the responsibility of the local authority usually in conjunction with their parents.

Why do some children need to go ‘into care’?

There are numerous reasons, neglect, abuse, illness of a parent and many, many more. It is not simply for the kind of situation you may read of in the papers it is often the case that parent agree to their children going ‘into care’ while they deal with a situation. The children concerned may be tiny newborn babies right up to approaching eighteen-year-olds. There will always be some case that reaches the headlines (and rightly so) where children are mistakenly taken from their families and yet more where they are left in dangerous situations with tragic results. I would like to say that in my experience social workers are not looking for work! They do not like ‘breaking up’ families but they have a genuine regard for the children and want to help even if that means them being temporarily separated.

Does foster care work out for all that experience it?

Not all but for a good majority I think it is the best alternative if their parents or other suitable adult cannot look after them. For some children fitting into family life is just too har
d and they never settle to it. I am thinking of one girl that I know (although she has only ever been to us for short breaks from other carers), who has been fostered by many different people. She seems to settle although I wouldn’t say anyone involved ever finds it easy but then it goes wrong. I feel sure she is simply so attached to her Mum and desperate to live with her again (which is impossible for now at least) that as she begins to feel at home with others she panics and does something dramatic to put an end to it.

What are the children like, are they all out of control?

NO! Some of course find it extremely hard to settle into a new family and to come to terms with a new set of rules especially if they’ve had little guidance in the past. Many children will push to see what they can get away with and to test their carers and see how they handle them. You can often see the children expecting to be hit or worse and are often quite shocked when the treatment is very different! Other children are beautifully behaved (honestly) infact most have a settling in period before the real behaviour begins! Keep reading and you will hear about some of the children I have cared for, smashing kids.

Now what about the families are they all single parents or awful people that you could pick out of a crowd?

Again no! Some maybe as you imagine but a lot more will not be. Some are single parents; others are ‘very respectable married couples’. Some will be living in less than ideal housing but yet again they may be in their own grand houses. The families will be every type, religion, colour it really makes no difference. The thing they will have in common will be some issue concerning the care of their child/children.

Foster carers what are they like, do you need to be a saint?

Excuse me I choked on my coffee laughing then. No carers are a mixed bunch, married, single, straight, gay (depending on lo
cal authority I think) young or older but one thing they have in common is they want to help a child at a time when they need it most. Many will have had children of their own but others have not, they will all have a spare room where a child can have his own space.

So fostering is for different children, for diverse reasons, from different families and foster carers are all very different too.

Sorry if that was a rather dry, factual account I hope things will pick up now as I share a few experiences changing names etc etc. I foster with my husband and with a huge amount of support from my now grown children, personally I could not do it without them.

My first experience was about 24years ago when my sons were both very young. I enjoyed it but it is a very different work from now. We fostered the first time for about two years during which time I had a miscarriage (unconnected) so when I became pregnant again we decided to take a rest from it. I had a gorgeous daughter and took the time to care for her and her smashing brothers. That rest lasted about 16years!

The second time began about 6 years ago and we are going strong and really enjoying it. The first child placed with us was a beautiful 2 year old who came for a few days; she stayed nearly one and a half years! Her mum was on her own and was ill; she loved her child but had no idea how to look after her. We had to teach that her to chew, to play, to walk, and to talk all things she should have learnt long before. Watching a child grow and working with her Mum to help her adjust is such a privilege. That little girl even came with us to America to our sons wedding and she was a real hit. She really won our family over to the whole idea of fostering, we were hooked.

We had a little boy live with us who threw challenge after challenge at us; he managed to lock me out of the house once even though I had the key! He was inside with a toddler while I was outside talkin
g to him through the window. I want to tell you how I talked him around and got him to let me back in but my Mum taught me not to lie! So the truthful version was I had to get a couple of strong men to break they’re way in leaving me feeling stupid and with a door to get fixed. That little boy was the only child we have had that I have had to admit things were not working out for with us and he moved on to different carers. When he left I cried but I have to confess a short while later I felt such relief that a degree of normality had returned to our home I felt like cheering! I some times bump into him and he always mentioned the fact that I cried because I was going to miss him and even in that he felt cared for. If you ever meet him please don’t tell him the relief that followed!

We had a little girl Jenny (please see ‘forget Justice Jenny) who had been terribly abused, when she arrived at our home she had several broken bones and was terrified. She lived with us for well over a year she went a learnt to trust us and to bond with us now she has been adopted and she continues to rebuild her life. I had an email from her new Mum this week saying how well she is getting on, she is building sentences and even getting toilet trained!

At the moment we have three children with us, a profoundly deaf pre-teen, and two younger ones. Two of these children have been with us for three years and it is thought they will stay with us until they are 18, assuming we can all survive! The other, a little boy is staying with us until a lucky family is identified to adopt him.

We have had our walls scribbled on but also beautiful pictures drawn (I’m still not sure how that blob was a butterfly landing on a daffodil) and given with love. We have had tears both from the children and on occasions from me but they have been so outweighed by the laughter. We’ve had sleepless nights but then we’ve also had one child who had tr
ouble staying awake much beyond 6 PM. I’ve had dinners wasted but also great times being helped with the cooking!

Between our first little girl and those with us now we have fostered children from a few weeks old to very nearly eighteen years old. Some of these children have had ‘special needs’ others have not. Mostly the children have been abused or neglected, some have been planed moves to our home others have come as emergencies in the night. All these children have needed understanding, time, space and love.

We are not like some people that I have read about that have looked after hundreds of children mainly because when they arrive here they stay and stay and stay!

Now do you remember I did say at the beginning I would love to recruit some of you? So I’ll tell you some of the things involved and leave you to think about it, it’s not for everyone but if you ever want to chat more about it feel free to email me.

The obvious part of the ‘job’ is to care for other people’s children in your home treating them as one of the family but at the same time remembering they are not your children. Whatever they have been through they will usually have a strong allegiance to their natural family. Hopefully things will be resolved and the children will be able to go back to their mums and dads successfully. Even if they will never return it is usually best for the children to keep contact with their birth family so if carers can work in harmony with parents it is desirable. I have usually found this possible, sometimes it is easy at others it is extremely difficult.

There is some paperwork to be done and meetings to be attended all directly about the children and their care. After the initial training there will be lots of different areas to cover in time but it is all enjoyable and for yours as well as the children’s benefit. There is support for foster carers from social
workers and also from other carers. There is a great deal of frustration and I would love to get hold of the whole system and put my kind of logic into it. I would love to see a way of improving things so that things could move along far more quickly, so decisions can be made and acted on swiftly.

As you’ve read this, have you thought it’s not for me, yes maybe I could or perhaps one day in the future? I would like to tell you what I find to be the hardest part of fostering and what in my experience is the best part.

The hardest part for me and I know I can speak for my family when I tell you that it is saying goodbye. I don’t think I could do the job properly without loving them but oh it does hurt when they move on. It isn’t even that I want to keep them, if I wanted another child permanently I would adopt, it is just that I do get attached. Of course if they are moving on to a situation I am happy with (more often than not) it makes it a little easier, but not much. I love to see children return to their own parents if this is possible or go on to adoption but I simply miss them. Mind you I soon find another child needs my attention! We do often keep in touch when children move on and it is great to hear how they are doing.

Now the best part, helping a child, seeing a frightened little child feel secure again, teaching a child that adults can love them in an appropriate way and not ask anything in return. I get back so much more from fostering than it costs me and I cannot imagine life without it.

So now I hope you can see fostering in a more realistic sense and not as portrayed on TV. Let me leave you, (at last I hear you shout,) with the words of a song that I love but always makes me cry. It says a lot about why I do the work, thanks for staying with me!


This is to mother you
by Sinead O’Connor

This is to mother you
To comfort you and get you through

Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you

This is to be with you
To hold you and to kiss you too
For when you need me I will do
What your own mother didn’t do
This is to mother you

All the pain that you have known
All the violence in your soul
All the wrong things you have done
I will take from you when I come
All mistakes made in distress
All your unhappiness
I will take away with my kiss
I will give you tenderness

For child I am so glad I found you
Although my arms have always been around you
Sweet bird although you did not see me
I saw you

And I’m there to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you.



Written (and sung) by Sinead O’Connor

(Please note the would I recomend it to a friend and star rating are from my view point not a childs)

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