Imagine, for all you men and non-mothers, for a second, trying to squeeze a melon out of your bum! On top of that imagine a gremlin in your belly tearing at your muscles forcing them to contract into the most excruciating cramps. OK, thats child birth!

Nothing you read, watch or hear about will prepare you for the "wonder" of childbirth. It is painful, exhausting, and without a doubt the most difficult thing you will ever do. So why, you may ask, do women have more than one? Because no matter how god damn awful the labour and birth was, at the end of it you are presented with this tiny little lump, which YOU made. It is the best feeling in the world, better than winning the lottery, snogging Brad Pitt, or finding a mile high mississippi mud pie!

During my pregnancy and ante natal classes, I was in the "natural camp", Of course I wasnt going to have any pain relief, its a natural process which would be fulfilling and I would enjoy it! Did you know that Diamorphine and Pethidine crossed the placenta? Oh no, I wasn't doping up my baby.

Forward a couple of months to a delightful scene in the labour ward, My partner sat a trembling, puking wreck in the corner, me crying on the bed "I cant do it!!!!" and my mum shouting at me, "dont be so ridiculous, I did this three times!"

"I WANT DRUGS!" - Gas and Air given.
"I WANT REAL DRUGS!" - Diamorphine given.
"oooooh, wheerrre ammm i??, baaaabbbyy, what baabbyy?"
Three hours later..........
"EPPPPPIIIIIIDDDDDDUUUURRRRAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!"

Ok, so I gave in, but things didn't go quite to plan, you see the epidural didn't work as it should, I could feel every contraction in my belly and back, so they topped it up, and topped it up, and topped it up some more. By the end, I was completely numb and dead from my pelvis down, but still had all the pain of the contractions.This meant that I couldnt hold my legs up, couldnt control my bladder or bowels(lovely, I know
), and felt completely and utterly frustrated. As well as slightly embarrassed.

"PUSH!" "PUSH!" "PUSH!"
"I am bloody pushing!", " I cant do it!"
"Breathe, breathe, breathe"
"I am bloody breathing!" "Its not working, I cant do it, Its going to have to stay in there!"

You see no-one tells you that its not like on the movies, you dont just push for a couple of minutes and the baby comes out. Oh no, I realised this when I asked the midwife why the baby wasn't out yet, "You have to push for about an hour love" This is where I got slightly histerical, an hour, I couldnt push for an hour! In these matters though, you have no choice.

So, one hour and three minutes later, I had an episiotomy, this is where they cut your perinium, the bit between your vagina and bottom. And at one hour and four minutes, my beautiful son was born. After seeing the size of him, there was no wonder I couldnt get him out on my own, he was 9lb 9oz, 57 cm long and his head had a circumference of 38cm.

So will I have another, Hell yes! But I know that no matter how painful, a birth where I can walk around and move of my own free will must be better. I know that many people have epidural where it is a perfect balance, they feel no pain, yet can move on their own, but I could not risk it again.