Happy Mothers Day Mummy (Infertility)

Member Name: Scooobydooo

Product:	Infertility
Date:	16/03/04 (144 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: none

Disadvantages: plenty

I have grown up with children always been around me and looking after them. Infact at one point when babysitting, I used to go on a 150 mile round trip as the request of the parents. So when I was getting older and in relationships, the natural thing was children.

The relationships ended and it often made me think during the time I was in them, why did I not get pregnant. But then my career came up and I was into that and had no time for children. It would be one day, but not now... I loved my cousins kids and my god children who were always around at Aunty Karens..

The my career ended in 1996 and I moved and got married and we did not want to waste time as I was now 29. We had real fun trying but nothing ever happened. I knew my husband was not at fault as he had a child with his ex partner who terminated the pregnancy.

So after a year of trying and trying and trying, I went to the doctors and after tests they said I had a low egg count. Basically it was so low that it would be practically impossible to have children. I was put on fertility drugs level one and when they did not work level 2 but they knocked me sick.

We then went in for IVF treatment and on the first go I got pregnant with twins. That was the happiest day in my life and I will never forget the feeling that inside me was two babies in the making. I nick named them Bleep and Booster. We had decided only to tell immediate family and friends but the word soon spread and we were getting congratulation cards from everyone.

Time went by and we decided it was time to start planning a basic nursery, but we would not buy it until I was well into the pregnancy. I had spare eggs as well that was frozen and we could use them later if we wanted more children, so we were over the moon. We also were donating some of my eggs to a couple who could not have any as they did not produce any eggs.

Unfortunatley 6 weeks later, I miscarried and was absolutely petrifi
ed. I had never ever seen so much blood in all my life and thought I was going to die. 4 days later I was back in hospital and they thought the other had gone back up my tubes and that I would have to terminate the pregnancy. Although this is the correct proceedure, I could not do it. How could I terminate something that i loved so much and wanted more than anything in the whole wide world. After all I had been through, I was not going to give up on the last remaining twin. Doctors told me that if I did not terminate, it would eventually burst my tubes and kill me and to go home and come back within a week to give them a reply. The decision was more difficult as I knew the consequences but there had been a million to one chance that a woman gave birth to a child outside the tubes, so I decided if it killed me, it killed me, but there was no way I was going to kill my child.

Again fate stepped in and one day whilst in town and in a daze, I got bad pains and looked down and saw blood. I was rushed to hospital and given drugs as I have a rare blood group that reacted with the babies group and hopefully this would settle down. I went into the toilet and passed a blob. I really thought I was dying. I was scared and confused. I looked at the blob and cleaned it up and it was like a little pink seed. You could see the outline of the baby and a umbilical cord that was like a pin scratch. I sat there crying and crying and silly things went through my mind like if I put it back it might re attach. Deep down I knew this was my second baby gone. I then told the doctors and they did blood tests and my hormones had dropped down to those that were of a non pregnant woman. I was devestated.

For days I walked around, I lost my faith in God, I just wanted my babies back. I had given them every chance but it had not been good enough. I had done everything right and had given up smoking, taken folic acid, not eaten this that or the other but to no avail.

M
onths later we decided to have the frozen embryos put back, again another disaster, when they defrosted they all died. So that put paid to that. We tried again for IVf but it completely failed and this time, they told me there were no eggs left. That I would never be able to have children.

I was really devestated and went into depression, no matter what people said, it did not help and only time would solve the hurt. I told my husband he could leave me if he wanted to and go and find a woman who would give him children. He was my rock throughout, he told me that he had married me for being me not been a baby factory.

I then became to hate children and stay away from them and this was my only coping mechanism and my friends children who used to come round did not anymore. It took me a while to realise, that this was not right and I had to face the problem head on. We are back to normal now.

It hurts me when I see kids who are neglected and I think, that we have such a good relationship and kids would benefit from it and it is a shame. We did consider adoption but for one reason or another we decided against it.

I know now I will never be called mummy by a child and to say this is ok would be a down right lie. I still would give anything to have my children, to hear it say mum, to have it throw a temper. I feel as though I have let everyone down. It is so unfair when my brother has got 4 kids and they literally only have to look at each other and they have kids. My other friend is also like this and I cannot understand why I am such a failure.

Maybe I was put on earth for different things and this has tested my faith to an extent where I do not go to church anymore. I have fallen out with God big time. My one hope that is Bleep and Booster are up on a cloud in heaven and are together.

It is hard not having kids, especially when the UK is so kid orientated. I feel as though I have had something taken away from me.
Having Children is always expected of women as they enter long marriages. No one asks us anymore if we are going to have children.

That part of our life is over, but I still think about it and think well they could be wrong and we will keep on practasing. I am considering fostering soon though in the next couple of years as I think we could help so many children on their way to a happier life.

Karen :0)

Summary: