First Love - a learning curve (Juniors in general)

Member Name: kimgraham

Product:	Juniors in general
Date:	22/02/03 (162 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: -

Disadvantages: -

WHAT IS LOVE
IF FULL OF CARE
THERE IS NOT TIME
TO BE AWARE!


Oh hello! I forgot that I wasn’t alone for a moment. Do excuse the poetic licence of the little verse above. It is Malu, you see, she challenged me to one of these first love opinions and it really has my brain whirring!

Those of you that have followed my ops over the last eighteen months will know that for most of my adult life I was involved in a hugely abusive relationship. Having escaped and rebuilt my life I had decided not to look back, no little peeks back over the shoulder. I rarely look back but as Malu asked SO nicely! Also this entails looking a lot further back; back to a time where youngsters wore loons, great coats and thigh high boots, although not necessarily all at the same time! A time where petrol was less than £1 a gallon and a pint of beer cost pennies. Am I really that ancient? Yes, I am afraid so!

Let me take you back to 1973. I was in my mid teens and spent most of my social time with friends from my youth orchestra. Youth orchestras are often a hot bed of lust and this one was no different. There were many pairings and many swapping about. One or two eventually married and are still together!

I initially had a couple of very casual boyfriends from the orchestra but I certainly didn’t love them! One day I noticed a new male flautist had joined our ranks. In those days male flute players were not especially commonplace as this was just prior to James Galway hitting the musical headlines in a big way. He seemed a very amenable chap and boy could he play the piccolo. I have rarely heard his rival although my daughter Hannah would probably have given him a run for his money!

I became friendly with this chap, whose name was Paul. I can talk about him by name, as sadly, he is now dead. We started off by being part of quite a large group but gradually our feelings grew and we started going off by ourselves. Be
fore long we were inseparable. He was the first bloke I slept with willingly. If that makes no sense, it might help you to know that I was raped as a child. The relationship blossomed as the months went on. We had many interests in common and enjoyed each other’s company. We particularly liked making music together and I often accompanied him at the piano. He particularly enjoyed playing Bach, I remember.

About six months later we went to see an early showing of “A Clockwork Orange”. This was shortly before it was banned! Paul proposed to me half way through the film. I am not sure I took much in after that. The music playing at that part of the film was Elgar’s Pomp and Circumstance March no 4. I still feel nostalgic when I hear it, even now!

His parents were thrilled about our engagement. Mine were not. Actually, they were furious. Looking back on it as a parent myself I can see where they were coming from I suppose (she says grudgingly!)

At around this time decisions had to be made about our further education and prospective careers. We had both decided to become professional musicians. For my part I had been accepted into all the major London music colleges, so it was merely a case of choosing one. Paul was a bit worried about the idea of Music College and decided that he would become a bandsman in the RAF. I wasn’t ever so happy about this as it wasn’t a career that would dovetail with mine particularly well. I also thought he would be better off in a symphony orchestra like me. No offence intended to any military musicians, incidentally!

In the event the decision was made that Paul would join the RAF. He was fitted for his uniform and looked quite scrummy if memory serves correctly!

So it was that a few weeks later a slightly tearful Kim found herself on Kings Cross Station waving him off on his new career. It started with six weeks of basic training in Lincolnshire. We had nev
er really been separated much before, and it was an experience I did not much enjoy!

I threw myself into my time at Music College and the six weeks eventually passed. It had been mad easier as Paul was an avid letter writer and I received a new letter every couple of days. For his passing out parade Paul’s Dad had hired a minibus and several friends went along as well as his parents and grandparents. When I arrived at his parents’ house I was surprised to see a girl sitting in the minibus. She was a slight friend of mine and an old girlfriend of Paul’s. Her name was Kathy and she also played the flute. I discreetly enquired of Paul’s mother what she was doing there. It seemed that she had got back in contact with Paul and they had begun a correspondence while he was training. He had asked for her to go to the parade. I must admit, I did think that it was a bit odd that he hadn’t mentioned it to me, but no matter!

Our wedding was planned for the following year when Paul had had time to save up enough money to support us whilst I finished college. Everything in the garden was extremely rosy - or so I thought.

The parade went well and we all bundled into the minibus to go back to London. Paul sat in between Kathy and myself and hardly said a word to me all the way back. He engaged in very lively conversation with Kathy, however. By the time we got home I was feeling distinctly uneasy. I spoke to Paul’s Dad, but he thought I was worrying about nothing. Kathy left and Paul and I were at last on our own. Suddenly everything seemed normal again and he was much more caring and attentive.

He was home for two weeks before being posted elsewhere. We saw a fair bit of each other but I still had lectures to attend at college. When the two weeks were up I found myself on Kings Cross Station, again! About five minutes before the train was due to leave Paul suddenly turned to me and said that our engagement was
off and that he had fallen in love with Kathy! I was somewhat taken aback. We agreed to remain friends and I returned his ring. My insides were ripped apart but it all remained very civilised.

Time is a great healer - what a cliché, but it is true!

We kept in touch for a year or two but then we both got married and had children. I never forgot my first love, but his important place in my life diminished, as I grew older.

I scarcely gave him another thought, until one day in the mid 1980’s I saw a news flash on the television. A coach carrying an RAF band in Germany had collided with a petrol tanker. My ears pricked up, as I knew this was the band with which Paul played. Most of the band had been burnt to death. I listened to the list of names of the deceased men. Paul was one of them. It shook me to the core. He was only in his twenties. All the memories of the happy times we shared came flooding back.

Shortly after the funeral I got in touch with Paul’s parents and they asked me to go and see them. I decided it could do no harm, so organised a trip to London. I was living in Hampshire by then. It seemed so strange to see them after all those years, and they were touchingly thrilled to see me. I was rather flattered, in a way. After a cup of tea and a chat Paul’s mother asked me to go with her to look in a cupboard. I followed her along the corridor and there, in a display cabinet were all our engagement cards and presents. It felt strangely eerie. She asked if I would like them. It was tempting, as there was some rather nice crystal, but I felt that they should stay where they were. Some dogs are best left sleeping, I think! The interesting thing was that Paul’s interests and mine had gone along very similar routes over the years. I wondered for a time whether he would have still been alive if I had made more fuss about him joining up.

Fate is a funny thing though, and I am sure we all have a
few “what ifs” lurking around the old psyche.

Looking back is strange. I hadn’t thought about any of this for a number of years. I am glad that I did though. All our experiences go towards making us the person we are. It made me wonder whether or not it was really love that I felt for Paul. I think in retrospect that it probably was. I was certainly convinced of it at the time.

I have been in love a couple more times during the intervening years as have most of us, I suppose, and each experience has been really different. Which are the most important? It has to be the first and the last for me. I never believed it was possible to love anybody more than my first love. I was happy for that to have been my one definitive, overwhelming experience. It didn’t matter to me if I never found that feeling again as I considered myself lucky to have been there once in my life time.

Then I met my other half and knew that what I had before with any other man was only a very diluted version of what love really could be.

Funny isn’t it how much you learn, as you get older!

Summary: