Something for the weekend? (Keeping Your Child Safe from the Outside World)

Member Name: nikkisly

Product:	Keeping Your Child Safe from the Outside World
Date:	22/11/01 (130 review reads)
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Errrr...hello. I don't usually write opinions in Kids and Family, because I don't actually have any (kids, that is.) But before you dismiss me as a complete novice or decide that I am probably trying to teach my Grandmother to suck eggs, I'd like to give you an idea about a little project for the weekend. It's called "Saving Your Kids" and is based on months of research into child safety issues that I recently conducted with almost 500 parents.

Now, if you are a parent, you will no doubt have drummed into your children the dangers of talking to strangers. Warned them about taking sweets and presents from strangers, of taking lifts from strangers, of going off with strangers to look at puppies, kittens or because Mummy has had an accident and is in hospital. Yet, before you get too complacent, I'd like to share some quotes with you. Please bear in mind that these quotes come directly from the mouths of babes and innocents, so are not as 'politically correct' as they might be - for that, I apologise in advance.

Question: "What is a Stranger?"

George, aged 5: "A man who wears ladies dresses."

Daisy aged 5: "A man who lives in the wardrobe and eats naughty girls."

Jessica aged 8: "A person who comes from another country."

Harry aged 6: "My mummy because she smokes cigarettes."

Ian aged 8: "Someone with different coloured skin."

Elise aged 7: "An ugly thing".

Paul, aged 5: "You use it to tip water out of potatoes" (Yes, he had heard the question properly!)

Are you getting the idea? I recently interviewed 50 children between the ages of 5 and 10 years old and, while every single one of them had been warned about 'Stranger Danger', more than three-quarters of them could not satisfactorily define the word "Stranger". The younger the child, the more li
kely he or she was to be unable to give a definition of the word. It's like telling an adult to be afraid of the "splottyplodge" monster - unless we know exactly what such a monster is, how can we know what we should fear?

Some facts for you to consider. In the United Kingdom, less than 10% of all crimes committed against children are perpetrated by strangers. That means that people who are known to the child, either as family, friends or acquaintances, carry out more than 90% of all sexual abuse, physical abuse, abductions and murders. Abduction of children is the greatest fear of around 80% of parents in the United Kingdom today and more than 98% have warned their children accordingly. However, it is currently estimated that while 8 children were murdered by strangers in the year 2000, over 200 died as a result of child abuse by a family member or a person who was otherwise known to them. Yes, sadly, children today have to be warned about strangers, but it seems the majority of parents stop there.

Recent research showed that, in a survey of more than 500 parents of young children, most had not discussed child abuse in any form with their children. More than 55% felt that their children were never going to be at risk. 74% felt that it was too difficult a subject to discuss and discussing it had not even occurred to more than 65%. (Finkelhor, 1984) Are YOU one of those parents?

It is obvious that continually warning children about the dangers of the world outside may produce timid, nervous kids who are almost literally scared of their own shadows. Yet, at the same time, there is an argument that children should be warned about the dangers to them that are statistically the most probable. Children should be encouraged to discuss anything that upsets them with their parents and there are also practical measures that you can take to ensure your child's safety in the big, bad world.

One of these is to set up a code w
ord with the child. This should be a word or phrase that is known only to you (and other trusted adults) and your child. It can be anything - Mickey Mouse, pickled onions, earwig, pink pyjamas - be as creative as you like as long as it's memorable. Stress to your child that, before going anywhere with any adult but you, they should ask for the code word and not go unless it's forthcoming. Get the child to practise, maybe with Granny and Granddad. Remind your child every time you collect him/her from school until the word has been committed to memory and demanding it is second nature.

Teach your children who to trust in an emergency. While it is almost instinctive to try to protect children from all strangers, there may be occasions when he/she needs help urgently and you are not around. Obviously policemen/women are high on a scale of trustworthiness, but whom else should your child trust? Perhaps mothers with young children, shop assistants, traffic wardens - make sure your child knows that, in an emergency, there are some strangers who are better approached than others. Some years ago, I stopped my car on the M5 when I saw two children (aged about 5 years old) walking hand in hand down the hard shoulder. They too had been told not to talk to strangers, probably by parents who never in a million years envisaged them running away from home after a minor family argument, cutting across a field and walking along one of Britain's busiest roads. Frighteningly, it later turned out that the children had actually crossed all six lanes of the motorway!

Make sure your child knows his/her address and telephone number as early as possible and also teach them to use a telephone in a public 'phone box which is not the same as using the 'phone at home. Avoid allowing the child to wear T-shirts or other garments with his or her name on them. Anyone approaching your child can then greet him/her by name which, to a child, automatically signifie
s that this person is not a stranger. How could a stranger know their name?

Teach your child the difference between good and bad secrets. A 'good secret' might be not telling a friend about a surprise birthday party, a 'bad secret' is anything that makes them feel unhappy or uncomfortable. Think for a moment about your own use of words. "We mustn't tell Daddy what we've bought him for Christmas. It's a secret." does not differ greatly from "We mustn't tell anyone about this - it's a secret." to a child. Make sure your child knows the difference. At the same time, make your child aware of what constitutes inappropriate touching (usually agreed to be touching in the areas normally covered by a bathing suit.)

Most important of all, listen carefully to your child and let them know that they should not be worried about telling you anything at all, even if it involves a friend or relative. At the same time, give them 'permission' to talk to another trusted adult such as a grandparent, teacher or head teacher if they really feel that they cannot discuss something with you. Also let them know that they can refuse to do anything that feels wrong or frightens them, even if told to by an adult. With younger children especially, get them to practise shouting "NO!" as loudly as possible. It's annoying if they've just gone through the stage of saying "No!" to everything, but that just may be the word that attracts someone else's attention if your child is in ever trouble.

The important thing is to keep a sense of perspective. Most people don't harm children, so you should not frighten your child unduly. And, those who do harm children are most likely to be known to the child so you should always be alert to the people who come into contact with them. (Get to know the parents of your child's friends, for example.) The NSPCC advises use of the three
W's. You should always know WHERE your children are, WHO they are with and WHAT time they are expected home.

You might like to read a book called "Paranoid Parenting" written by Frank Furedi (Penguin, ISBN 0 71 399488 6, £6.99,). In this book he discusses parenting and safety issues, separating the myths from the facts and advising you how to temper your anxieties, at least some of which are probably unfounded.

I can't look at these issues from the point of view of a parent, so I apologise if, having read this, you feel that I have been patronising. However, I can still see the looks of shock and horror on the faces of the parents of the children quoted above, all of whom were present to hear their children defining a stranger. How would your child respond? Why not find out this weekend? I sincerely hope you are pleasantly surprised.

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