Miscarriage ends your world but it does get easier (Miscarriage in general)

Member Name: elbar1

Product:	Miscarriage in general
Date:	15/01/09 (86 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: It brought my husband and I together

Disadvantages: Everything!

I will give a brief overview of my miscarriage. It was an awful experience and I did not think I would ever recover and even thought about taking my own life but if you are reading this and feeling the same, it does get better and you will find a way to deal with what has happened.

At about 9 weeks pregnant I started to cry a lot. I kept bursting into tears at the drop of a hat and kept telling my husband that I thought something was wrong. I tend to be depressive and so my husband thought I was just imagining the worst. My mum was taken seriously ill and rushed into hospital. My doctor signed me off work for a few weeks due to the stress and the fact I was getting some tummy pain. He felt and said it all seemed ok and that I was probably just getting worked up and that was causing it. Or it was the ligaments in my tummy stretching to accommodate my first baby. My stomach certainly continued to expand and so I kept trying to tell myself that it was all in my head.

One day I went to the toilet and noticed a very slight pink stain. I could hardly breathe with the panic but I did not really believe there was a problem. I kept remembering what my husband had said about me dwelling on the negative. I kept going to the loo to check and each time there was a little more pink but nothing much. I phoned the hospital and they said spotting was quite common in early pregnancy and to be patient. I had my first scan on the Tuesday. This was the Friday.

I lay on the sofa and started to talk to my baby. I heard that that helps bonding and I wanted to do the best for my little unborn baby. I described our lounge and what everything looked like. We were in the process of buying a new house and I said, 'you'll never get to see this house though'. I started back and burst into tears at this. Then I said, 'you aren't in there are you?'. That night I started to bleed more. I began to have terrible stomach cramps so in the early hours of Saturday morning we went to hospital.

It was the weekend and so there was nobody available to do an ultrasound. We went home after I had an internal examination and they said although I was bleeding, I was not dilating and so I was not having a miscarriage at that time.

We went back in on Monday afternoon when the pain became worse. The one person who could do an ultrasound was just leaving the building. The said I could be admitted overnight and have an ultrasound first thing. Again after an internal examination they said I was not in the middle of a miscarriage but the results of blood tests showed that my pregnancy was not as advanced as it should be for 12 weeks. Although, this could have been due to me getting my timings wrong. I knew my timings were not wrong but I held on to this little bit of hope.

My husband ran after the doctor and begged them to do an ultrasound. They then called the person back from the car park to do the scan. I could not look at the screen. I just watched my husband's face. He looked so worried and upset. The doctor put her hand on my shoulder and said that she could see my baby but there was no heart beat. My world fell apart. I felt that I could not breathe. I was crying so much my whole body was shaking. The doctor was asking me to keep still because they had to be sure. It was horrific. I just wanted to get home. They said that the baby had died at about 8 weeks. My instinct had been right.

They offered me a D & C to scrape out the pregnancy but I needed to go home. They said it would just be like a heavy period.

As we walked home I looked up and saw a new star next to the big bright one opposite our front door that appeared on the night my Nan died. We decided that that was our little baby and my Nan was taking care of her. We said that maybe it wasn't as bright because one day our baby would come back to us.

That night the pains became worse and I was screaming out in pain. They came and went and got closer and closer (in hindsight they were contractions but I didn't realise at the time. Although the baby was only 8 weeks old, the rest of the pregnancy bits had carried on growing until what was then 13 weeks so it was considered a later miscarriage.) I went to the toilet and screamed. My husband ran in. I said I could feel something and wanted to push. He said I should and held my hand as I pushed out my baby and the placenta.

Bizarrely when I went back to bed I was really chatty and happy. I did not understand it. I guess it was all the hormones that were released from the 'birth' and the fact that the agonising pain had suddenly stopped. The pain stopped immediately as I pushed.

The following weeks were a rollercoaster of emotions. I have no idea how we got through it. We did though. I wanted to try again straight away. I fell pregnant a month after the miscarriage. I was extremely depressed during the pregnancy because I felt guilty about the miscarriage and worried something would go wrong again. I think I should have waited longer to be honest.

However, I now have a beautiful son of 4 months and he is my whole world.

There can be a light at the end of the tunnel. There was for me. My baby that wasn't quite ready for the world the first time around is with me now.

Summary: It is so common. Talk about it - it does help.