Remembering what was never meant to be. (Miscarriage in general)

Member Name: jo1976

Product:	Miscarriage in general
Date:	18/01/09 (150 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: N/A

Disadvantages: Dealing with loss and grief

Today could have been the second birthday of the baby that I never had. I'm not an overly sentimental person but my estimated due date will always stay etched in my memory, even though the pregnancy only lasted for 8 weeks.

I had my first child in 2002 and the conception, pregnancy and birth were all relatively straightforward and free from any complications or anxieties. We got married in April 2006 and, as we'd planned, starting trying for another baby straight away. Just as with my first baby, I conceived straightaway. In fact, based on my dates, I must have conceived a week after the wedding date so this would have been a real honeymoon baby.

We were both delighted when we had a positive pregancy test result and had no reason to suspect that there would be any complications this time around. In fact, we started telling family members and a few close friends pretty much as soon as we knew we were expecting another baby. Then, 8 weeks into the pregnancy, I noticed some blood when I went to the toilet. As it was a weekend, I managed to see the emergency doctor who just tried to reassure me that bleeding in early pregnancy is quite common and doesn't necessarily mean the worst. I was booked in for an ultrasound scan the following day. Through the night and the following morning, I continued to bleed and it got heavier and more like a regular period. In my heart of hearts, I knew long before we got to the hospital that this baby was never going to be.

The hospital staff were brilliant and we were kept in a seperate part of the hospital to all the regular ante-natal appointments and ultrasounds. This kept us away from all the heavily pregnant mums and eager fathers to be, although it meant that everybody in that waiting room was going through a similar experience to me and my husband. Just as I had feared, the ultrasound confirmed that there was no sign of a heartbeat. An internal scan also showed that there was a foetal sac but that the baby had not developed inside.

It was only whilst talking to the nurse at the hospital that I became aware just how many pregnancies end in miscarriage. Apparantly, as many as 20% of all pregnancies are believed to end in miscarriage. Whilst this doesn't make it any easier to cope with on a personal basis, it does mean that you're likely to know somebody else who has been through a similar experience to you and can understand what you might be going through.

My own pregnancy was what the medical profession term a 'missed miscarriage' or blighted ovum. Although I didn't start bleeding until 8 weeks, the baby had actually stopped developing at 6 weeks. In fact, the pregnancy hadn't really got as far as to make a baby as such and I think this made it slightly easier for me to accept what was happening to us. Nonetheless, I still needed to grieve for what this baby represented and the loss of those hopes and dreams. Even though this was the very early stages of a pregnancy, the baby was very real to us and we both felt the loss of a little person that we would never have the privilege of getting to know.

Like many people who have experienced a similar loss, we were anxious to try for another baby as soon as possible. In fact, I was not so much anxious as desperate. Whilst it is probably sensible to wait for a while to let yourself come to terms with the loss (as well as giving your body time to adjust), I didn't want to wait, although I fully appreciate that many people wouldn't want to get pregnant straightaway. The official medical advice is to wait at least one cycle before trying again but this is as much to give you some idea of when you conceive as for any medical reason. You are no more likely to miscarry again if you fall pregnant straight afterwards.

It seemed to take an eternity to fall pregnant again and every period just reminded me of the loss that I'd experienced. Just seeing blood every month reminded me of the awful moment when I realised that I wasn't going to have our baby. I was fortunate to conceive again a short while later. The 12 week scan was booked for early January (just a few weeks before the date that our baby would have been due) and we didn't tell a single person (not even parents or close friends) until after that scan. I was crying throughout the scan, fearing the worst and could hardly believe my own eyes when there was a distinct baby shaped being with a strong heartbeat! I did start to relax from then on in, but I still felt some anxiety every time that I went to the toilet throughout the whole pregnancy.

Thankfully, we went on to have another beautiful, healthy little boy called Ben. Ben was born on 07/07/07 so must indeed be a very lucky little chap! We are so grateful to have two wonderful boys and every day they bring us so much love and happiness (not to mention headaches, sleepless nights and sore throats from shouting above the chaos!) We wouldn't change our lives and family for the world.

Even though we have moved on as a couple and as a family, and I am so proud of my two boys, I won't ever be able to forget the baby that wasn't meant to be. My heart goes out to anybody who is going through the pain of a miscarriage. I won't attempt to offer any words of advice as I believe that everybody deals with their grief in different ways. Just remember that you are entitled to grieve, regardless of how far your pregnancy had progressed. The baby was a real unique person to you and will always be part of your life and your history. You need to grieve for the loss you've experienced to enable you to move on. The memory will always be there but it does get easier as time goes on. xx

Summary: I will never forget.