What not to say and who to turn to if experiencing this (Miscarriage in general)

Member Name: azana

Product:	Miscarriage in general
Date:	18/01/09 (134 review reads)
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I have read some of the stories on here and they are truly humbling and heart breaking.

I have my own story, we lost a baby at 10 weeks in September 2006 and it is one of the most devastating things ever to have happened to me. I started to spot and then after waiting days for a scan I was told my baby had died and sent home to miscarry.

I hope that other people know that it IS amazingly common - 1 in 4 pregnancies will fail apparently though sometimes it might be before you know. The awful thing is that is one of those big secrets, that is why I find what people have written here so courageous. When people such as Ben Fogle's wife most recently speak out and say their own experiences I think it helps in some way to stop ignorance, fear and also people saying the wrong thing.

If you have a miscarriage or know someone that does I found this site so so helpful. http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/in formation/leaflets.htm There is a helpline too. I phoned it as I didn't know what was happening - the grisly details of which I don't want to share here but it is so common in my experience they send you away from the hospital with a leaflet and that is it.

It is not really enough - one minute you are hoping to see your baby on a screen (and having been through pregnancy before I knew there should have been a recognisably baby there) - next off home you go to deal with it. Some hospitals will offer an ERPC (medical procedure) but this wasn't discussed with me.

There is a great leaflet to print out to give to family and friends as they really do not know what to say often, there is good information if you have a miscarriage too.

If you haven't experienced this or someone close to you hasn't this I hope you never do but for me it would have been helpful to know:

- It is not anyone's fault don't blame yourself for something you did/didn't do.

- Expect to feel a rollercoaster of emotions - feel tired. Don't try and carry on and be superwoman. Rest as much as you can.

- You are allowed to grieve. There is no way you should/shouldn't react, it is personal.

- It helped me to plant something to remember my baby

- you may feel you can't put you/your family through a m/c again so you can't get pg again. It is hard and the innocence of pregnancy is gone but you take it day by day.

- Use your support network, talk to friends - online/in forums if need be. This will help you to realise that you probably feel like other people.

To give anyone hope I now have a second child - not a replacement but the most life-loving child ever who shouldn't have been here.

If you know someone going through this

- Be there. Pick up the phone. Listen. Tell them you are sorry for their loss and acknowledge that for the last few weeks they probably have been imagining life with another new person.

- Don't tell them it was meant to be, or that it was for the best as there would have been something wrong - that will hurt well meaning as it is. If they have another child don't say "well at least you have " X" - they know they have another child/children so they know what they have lost.

- Don't tell your friend about someone you know who has had 3 miscarriages and now has a beautiful boy, this may not help them yet.

Men often get overlooked and probably don't have as good a support network as women who will find it easier to talk to friends about it - so acknowledge that they may be grieving too.


I still remember the baby that wasn't who would have turned 3 in a couple of months and I will tell my children about them in fullness of time.

I have rambled a bit and probably not structured this well as it is a hard thing to write/think about but thank you to all the women sharing their stories, and I wish no one had to go through this ever.

Summary: a link to an association that might help