Gone but not forgotten (Miscarriage in general)

Member Name: yellowroses

Product:	Miscarriage in general
Date:	27/02/09 (206 review reads)
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Writing this but I'm unsure whether I have yet have the stength to post it. On the 15th May 2008 I had my son Matthew. I was only 21 weeks pregnant too early to survive.

My story

I discovered I was pregnant at around 3 weeks - very early- but I recognised the signs for having my first son. At first I was shocked, it wasn't planned but that doesn't mean he was any less wanted. Unfortunately my partner didn't feel the same way and I am already a single mum to one my family were concerned for me and wanted me to consider an abortion. I did for all of two minutes, I already loved this baby inside of me, I always would love him or her just like my other son. Everything was fine until I reached 12 weeks, then one evening i stood up and felt a gush. There was blood everywhere and I was devastated. I thought that was the end. I phoned my local maternity hospital early pregnacy unit who booked me in for a scan the next morning.

I went for my scan but refused to look at the screen. The sonographer took my hand and told me to look at the heart beat. I was in shock and so happy I cried. My baby was there, it was fine and moving and it was all good news. I had an internal exam to see if they could find out why I had been bleeding but failed to find anything so I was sent home.

I was ok for 2 weeks or so but then the same thing happened. Slightly less panicky this time I phoned the hospital again and went for another scan and examination. This time they found a small area of ectopy on my cervix (cervival cells that have grown outside the cervix and may bleed if irritated) However they were unconvinced that it would cause the amount of bleeding I had suffered. I bled pretty much constantly from then on . I went to the hospital eveytime i had a 'big' bleed (when my trousers were soaked despite pads) and got to know the staff really well. They used to joke that i just wanted scan pictures.

At 20 weeks I relaxed a bit, I could feel my baby move and loved being woken up with kicks. My son used to sing the baby songs and blow raspberries on my tummy which was so lovely. After some persuasion from a friend I even plucked up the courage to go baby shopping for the first time and chose a cot and pram (although i wouldn't let her persuade me to put a deposit down). At 21 weeks and two days I had another big bleed but this time I didnt phone the hospital, I was strangely used to it by then. However I started feeling sick and was so tired and dizzzy. I put my son to bed and fell asleep on the sofa. When I woke up there was blood everywhere. I got cleaned up even put some washing on and then crawled into bed. I woke up an hour later and there was no way I couldnt go to the hospital. I was being completely irrational though. It was 4am and I had no baby sitter, no clean pjamamas and hadn't had a bikini wax so i couldnt phone. I did phone at 5.30 and they suggested an ambulance. I told them there was no need.

At 7am when my son woke I got him dressed, got my bag and called a taxi. Dropping my son at my sisters I headed to the hospital, strangely I was more concerned about making a mess in the taxi and the £30 taxi bill than myself. I got to the hospital and then collapsed at the reception desk. My heart rate was 398 beats per minute. I guess adrenalin had kept me going. I was ordered to not move at all. I was examined by two midwifes and a doctor but was passing clots the size of rugby balls and there faces said it all. I was scanned again and after watching my babys heart beat and movements I was told that my waters had gone.

I was kept in hospital and monitored over the weekend but bled even heavier on the Sunday night. On monday my consultant came to see me and told me i urgently need a blood transfusion and to be induced. I think it was harder as he was still alive and i could feel him moving, i felt my body had let him down. I was taken through to the labour ward because I was too ill for the early pregnanvy ward to cope with. It was awful. Babies were being born in the next room. The staff were great though. After three rounds of inducing me I still hadnt had my baby. I was desperate to avoid surgery, I felt like I would be letting my baby down. On thursday I finally had him.

The staff took him away to clean him up and took him back wrapped in a shawl in the smallest moses basket I have ever seen. I spent some time with him and had him blessed by the hospital chaplain. I was released from hospital ten days later.

The hardest part for me was dealiing with my son. Explaining to him that the brother or sister he'd talked about constantly had died. My parents took him to the hospital and I sat him down and told him that the baby got sick and because he was too little to leave my tummy he had gone to live in the stars. He broke my heart when he replied that stars couldnt talk so the baby would be lonely.

I had a funeral for my baby, he was buried in the baby section of a cemetry close to the sea. I was able to put a blanket and teddy in his coffin. The funeral was conducted by the same chaplain who had performed his blessing and I was able to drop a yellow rose on top. I still go there often.

* The hardest parts

Dealing with my sons questions anger and pain - He was only 4 and went through a stage of hating me cos i sent the baby to the stars. Having to sit down numerous times and explain it was no ones fault.

Dealing with my guilt, I considered abortion, only for two seconds but did my baby die because I didn't love him enough. I knew this was irrational but thoughts and feelings are not the same.

Dealing with people who cross the road because they don't know what to say to you. I made the first move, showed them that yes I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest but I was still me.

The term 'she lost the baby' I found this deeply insulting. I knew exactly where he was I just couldn't be with him. I know it is a figure of speech but it really irritated me.

Not being able to register his birth in any official way. Two weeks later and he might have had a chance. He would have legally existed.

* Things that have helped

Friends and family - I'm lucky mine have been fantastically supportive. I have kept all the cards i recieved and my best friend made me a bracelet with an angel and tiny footprint so i can keep him with me at all times.

The staff - I spent 6 days in the ward and countless hours there before that. I got to know the staff really well and they allowed me to cry. For 4 days I put on a brave face but they cried with me and just held my hand. They see this every day but they were still able to see everyone on a personal level and make time in your darkest moments.

Knowing I wasn't to blame - I had a post mortem done and although it was a difficult decision and I didn't want to hear the results it did help remove some of the guilt.

The chaplain - I am not religous in the fact I don't attend church. Getting Matthew blessed was the one I could actually do for him by way of protecting him. From what or who I'm not sure but it definately helped. The chaplain visited me several times in hospital and at home between the blessing and the funeral and knew the right words to say. He had also held my baby when my friends and family hadn't which I felt deeply comforted by.

Time - I know its a cliche but it has made the pain less raw. At first I couldn't bear to look at babies. My sisters both had girls 10 months and 6 months so I couldn't avoid them.

SANDS and other support online.

I was given a package before I left the hospital. Inside are a teddy and the shawl he was wrapped in. His hand and food prints, information about his birth weight (125 grams) and delivery time. A 'birth cetificate' and photos of him. I have memories, things of his to keep and touch and cuddle.

My son sent a balloon up to the stars and he often blows the stars a kiss.

Realising I'm the luckiest person alive as i have a fantastic little boy.



Thank you for reading. Sorry for long review guess I needed to get it all out my system. My angels memory lives on even though he never had a chance.

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