It Just Wasn't Meant To Be (Miscarriage in general)

Member Name: FourPaws

Product:	Miscarriage in general
Date:	09/06/09 (183 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: ---

Disadvantages: The heart break, the tears, the devastation, the guilt.

When I met Jason, my now fiancé, nearly ten years ago- that was it, I was smitten. Within minutes of meeting him, I knew that he was the man I would one day marry. We had a whirlwind romance and one evening, we were walking my dogs along the beach, after dating for only a couple of months, when he proposed. When we had arrived at the beach, he had told me he was going to get a ticket for the car park, he was gone for around ten minutes, which I thought was strange, as a machine was pretty close by but I thought nothing more of it and when he returned, we started our stroll along the beach. We hadn't been walking long when he sent my dog to retrieve a piece of wood lying on the beach, I was moaning at him, asking why he made the dog go all the way over there, but it soon all became clear where Jason had went earlier. As the dog dropped a piece of driftwood, with 'marry me?' etched onto it at my feet, I turned around to see Jason on one knee.

I accepted without a second thought. Our friends and family were sceptical, saying we barely knew one another- that was true I suppose, but we didn't care. We knew enough, and what we didn't know- we'd find out along the way. As time went by, we discovered more and more just how much we had in common- our love of animals, the same sense of humour and as more time passed, another thing that we had in common became clear, and that was neither of us wanted children.

A couple of years rolled by and we were happier than ever, our friends and family realised just how much we were meant to be together and we set about planning our wedding- deciding on two small ceremonies- one in Jason's home town of Middlesbrough and one in my home town of Manhattan USA and set the date for December 2010.

Both our parents knew neither of us wanted children, and they accepted that- even joking that the only grandchildren they would get from us would be 'grandpups' and as time went by, me and Jason were happier than ever, happy than I ever thought I could possibly be infact.

However, you've all read the name of the category I am posting this 'review' in, so I imagine you will have guessed how the rest of the story may go.

In March of this year, my period was late, I waited a week, just thinking stress had delayed it but still nothing, so I when to the doctors just in case. I took a pregnancy test and it was confirmed I was 10 weeks pregnant. It was such an odd feeling, sheer panic infact if I totally honest. I left the doctors and sat in my car for a good twenty minutes, before calling Jason, and telling him I needed to speak to him.

We arrived home around the same time, he obviously knew something was up, but it took me a while to pluck up enough courage to tell him. Sitting down, I broke the news and waited for his reaction. He was the same as me, panicking like I had. We spent over three hours talking things through- there was so much to consider. Jason was a relatively newly qualified Vet and I had a busy carer as a Veterinary Nurse, we had a houseful of various pets and lived in a tiny rural cottage- we wondered how a baby would fit into our lifestyle. I'd be lying if I said abortion didn't cross my mind.

More talking, right into the early hours of the morning, and we decided to go ahead with it. We'd work everything out, we could do anything together. In bed that night, I was so scared, petrified in fact and so was Jason, but good scared and happy. Happy isn't a strong enough word infact- we were delighted, absolutely over the moon. The previous day we were both still content with our decision not to have children, and now we were expecting a baby. Talk about a life changing decision! I'm sure I fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face.

The next day, I went to Boots and brought four more pregnancy tests, I just had to. Every one confirmed the news so I rang my mother in America. She thought it was a joke at first, but soon realised it was all real, and she burst into tears of happiness at the thought of her first grandchild. Over the course of the week, we told everyone we knew, which was perhaps foolish seeing as we hadn't yet had a scan, but we couldn't hold back our excitement. I was still scared, we both were, but more excited than we had ever been before. Despite how early on it was, we decided if we had a baby girl, she'd be called Eva Nicola and if we had a boy, he'd be Harry Scott, his first name in memory of my father who passed away last December. They'd have a double barrelled last name, taking both mine and Jason's, seeing as I was keeping my surname when we married, and that my best friend and older sister would be god mothers and Jason's brother would be god father.

I even typed into my 'about me' text on dooyoo that I was pregnant. However, I had to take an urgent call from work and was distracted, so I never submitted the update and then never got round to doing it again.

The following Sunday, I awoke with terrible stomach pains. I had a warm bath and cuddled up on the sofa, expecting them to soon pass. As the day went on, they didn't go, they got worse in fact, so I called Jason and told him something right, he said he'd be home from work straight away. Whilst he was on his way home, I went to the toilet and I bled- heavily. My heart sank and was barely able to tell Jason through the tears when he came home. We rang the emergency doctor and sped to the surgery.

When we arrived, I started vomiting and the doctor called ahead to the hospital, telling them we were on our way for an ultrasound. As Jason drove there, our song came on the radio, tears were streaming down my face, I looked at Jason, he took my hand and told me it'd be OK and smiled. I wanted to have the same faith he had and I so wanted what he said to be true.

Arriving at the hospital, I was taken straight in for the ultrasound. The minutes they were examining me felt like hours. My eyes fixed on the doctor, studying the look on his face. In my heart of hearts, I knew.

Jason took both my hands in his, and the doctor confirmed it. I had suffered a complete miscarriage.

I can't tell you what I felt, it was surreal. In a matter of a couple of weeks I had gone from being sure I didn't want children, to finding out I was pregnant and being delighted at the thought of being a mother, and then having it taken away. Jason and I left the hospital to go home. In the car on the way back, we didn't say a word. For the first time in our lives together, I don't think neither of us knew what to say to each other.

Arriving home, I went straight up to bed. Completely ignoring everything- the dogs being delighted to see me, my boss ringing to see why I wasn't in work and Jason telling me not to shut him out. But that's exactly what I did, I went upstairs, crawled into bed, and cried. It seems that is all that I did for hours, in fact, it probably was. I must have drifted off however as the next thing I remember was Jason coming up, getting into bed and holding me. The first time in ten years I had seen him cry.

For the next couple of weeks, I didn't really deal with it at all, trying to completely shut it out and try to forget. Of course, I never forgot, it was always there and selfishly, I left Jason to tell everyone. The next few weeks after that were very strange. Everybody knew what had happened, but nobody knew what to say. Me and Jason drifted apart, we were both obviously very upset, and instead of supporting each other, we took it out on one another. It wasn't until I went to stay at my best friends for a few days, to allow us to have a bit of space from one another, did I realise how much I needed him. He felt the same, and I came back home and we've tried to support each other as best as we can since.

There was no real reason for the miscarriage, it was just one of those things. There are times I feel terribly guilty- I think maybe I didn't deserved to have a baby because once, I didn't want children and I was too selfish, considering putting my career and my current lifestyle over having a baby, or that I done something wrong. No, the baby wasn't planned and but god, after discussing it, and coming to terms with it- I was looking forward to having a family more than anything.

We're not trying for another child. If it happens again, it happens, but it isn't something we are urgently wanting at this moment in time- who knows what the future holds though. We'll just have to wait and see how things go I suppose, but now, for me, I feel this has confirmed, it just wasn't meant to be.

I've surprised myself in writing this 'review' to be honest, but I have to say it has helped. I'm posting it on 9th June, but I have had it written for many weeks now, unsure whether to post or not. I'm sorry to those who were looking for a detailed medical info packed review, this was just MY personal experience of how I went from never wanting children, to discovering I was expecting a baby, and then having everything come crashing back down.

Thank you for reading xx

Summary: Sleep tight, our baby xx