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A heartbreaking time for all
Miscarriage in general
Member Name: Siamese
Miscarriage in general
Disadvantages: Miscarriage changes you
Miscarriage in general
This is the first time that I have reviewed something so personal, and I would like to explain that this is just my perception. I absolutely believe that everyone is different, and my feelings are not neccessarily those shared by others.
I have lost 2 babies. This happened 6 and 7 years ago. The first time that I discovered I was pregnant, I was quite nervous as we had not planned a baby at that time. However, after a few days, the nerves changed to excitement and I began to look forward to being a family. I was at work when the bleeding started and obviously I panicked. I rushed to my doctor who told me that there was very little I could do - in effect, if it was going to happen, it would happen. I was scheduled for a scan in a couple of days time and stayed at home until then. I only bled a little in the couple of days until the scan and was unsure whether this meant that things would be okay, or not.
I went for the scan and the staff were quite quiet. I knew that what they were going to say wasn't going to be good. They told me that I was either less pregnant that I had thought, or that my baby had stopped growing. I was scheduled for another scan in a fortnight and given advice about what to do, if I began to miscarry in the meantime.
At home, I felt numb, it is almost like I was scared to hope that things would be okay. A week later, the pain and heavy bleeding began, leaving me in no doubt as to what was happening. I went back to my local hospital, and was kept in overnight, tests confirmed that I had lost my baby. To be honest, I don't remember much about being in hospital. I remember silly things like how dark it was (I went in at around 2am) instead of the important bits. I remember that I didn't cry, and kept telling myself that I had expected it.
My partner, friends and family all did what they could, and I told myself that I had to get on with things. Many people told me that I was young and healthy and there would be other babies. I am not sure if I ever did cry around that time, focusing on being strong and not falling apart seemed to be all I thought about. Looking back, I wonder if I should have dealt with it differently, spoken about it more, allowed myself to cry, or even thought about counselling. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I do know that I wouldn't say to someone else that there "would be other babies", I don't think that is a relevant point. For me, the point is that you are grieving the loss of that baby, and thinking about others feels wrong. You will never replace that baby you lost, no matter how many children you are lucky enough to have and you shouldn't try to.
We decided to try again after around 6 months, and around 4 months after that, I fell pregnant again. I was quite unwell with heavy morning sickness, which everyone told me was a good sign of things going well. Every time I went to the bathroom, I checked for bleeding, this felt slightly obsessive but I couldn't help it.
At 3 months, I was sent for a scan, and couldn't help feeling apprehensive. As before, the staff fell silent and I immediately felt sick with fear. They asked if I was sure about the dates. This time, I was definitely sure so I knew instantly what they meant. They confirmed that my baby had again stopped growing.
This time I cried, I couldn't help myself, and started sobbing. The staff left my partner and I to allow us time to calm down, before talking to us. They then explained that I was likely to miscarry and recommended that I have a minor operation to remove the baby. I agreed to this and was scheduled to come back in 2 days.
At home, I felt numb again, although I knew that the hospital staff were right, I couldn't help wishing they were wrong, that maybe if i just waited, things would be okay. In fact, when I went back for the operation, I almost couldn't go through with it, and had to spend some time composing myself. It was over very quickly and I was able to go home the next day.
Again, I tried to get on with things but found it harder this time. I kept thinking that we should try again as soon as possible, and resented my partner for not being sure that he was ready to go through it all again. In fact, we split up a year later. Now that I look back, I realise that during that year, I ignored all the problems that we were having, convincing myself that it would all be fine if we could just have the baby that I longer for. At the time, I didn't recognise that though, again, the benefit of hindsight.
I have been with my current partner for 4 years and we hope to try for a baby soon, he understands my history, and that it may not be easy. I believe that I now am in the right place to consider pregnancy again. I realise that it may not be easy, and that it may not be successful. I know that I cannot change this. What I do hope is that no matter what happens, I will be more able to deal with it. I now realise that it is important to grieve, and to give yourself time to get through what has happened, there is no specific amount of time either, everyone is different and you need to do what is best for you.
No matter how far along in a pregnancy you are, miscarriage is a huge loss and one that you need to allow yourself to feel. This doesn't change if you have 5 children already or none, and sometimes it seems that people who have not been through it don't understand those facts. To anyone who has been through this, I offer my deepest sympathy, and hope that you are able to cope with it in whatever way works for you. Remember, you are not alone, even if it feels like it, and there is support available if you need it.
If you know someone who has experienced miscarriage, please don't tell them they are lucky to have the children that they have, or that they will go on to have a healthy baby. Those facts may well be true, but at that time, that is not what they want to hear. They are grieving for the loss of their baby and they need time to absorb that loss, not to feel like they should be focusing on other children or babies that they may have in the future. Sometimes, you can be supportive without having to say the "right thing", just to be there can be enough, so that they know that you feel their loss.
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Summary: An awful thing to happen to anyone