It has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. (Post-Natal Depression)

Member Name: KELLY170980

Product:	Post-Natal Depression
Date:	29/09/08 (56 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: That i can now see the light and it made me realise how brilliant my husband and family are

Disadvantages: Panick attacks, obsessive thoughts and fears, lack of sleep, no appetite, feeling exhausted

Where do I start........ Im kelly and i have post natel depression!!! good a start as any i suppose.

It all started when i fell pregnant with my daughter, I though it was going to be all ok, I had suffered from pre eclampsia in my first pregnancy and thought this pregnancy was going to be much better.....well i was wrong!!

It was terrible, I started getting bad breathing problems, so was taken into the hospital to check me out, they did some blood tests and put me on a ecg machine..,,,well loads of prodding and poking later a doctor came round to see me and he told me my blood results had brought up something ( i can not remember what it was found in my blood as the doctor never explained it correctly anyway) he then sais i had to have another blood test that would be done by the registrar on duty and it would be from the bone near my wrist (god it hurt!!)
My husband then asked this doctor (who like i said spoke very bad english and was not very good at explaining) what he thought was wrong with me...... the doctor replied '' maybe blod clot on lung..don't know'' my husband then said what happenes if this is the case....and the doctors exact words were (and i promise you these are the exact words) do not worry ..could be fatal'' and then he actually just walked off.......

Visiting was over and my hubby had to go home, he sat in the car park crying and i sat in the toilets crying and praying and talking to god asking him not to take me away from my little boy.

The next day my results were fine and they though it was just a slight asthma problem.....i still do not know if that was correct as i have never had it again....

But from that minute on, i became obsessive about living life to the full and being with my children....but there was a big obstacle in my way...i had signed a contract to say i would definatly return to work hence i had received a enhanced payment term for my leave (not much mind you) so then the guilt started sinking in and it just all snowballed from there........

i could type all day about all the other things snowballed on top of me;

**my husband stayed at home as i felt like i would be a bad parent if the children went to child care..... but this just caused me to resent him, which is terrible because he has been my rock and i adore him.

** I asked to move to a different shift on two occasion at work and was told no and then the positions were taken up by temp's.

** I the official put in a request to work flexible hours and was tuned down..... appealed it...and was turned down again.

** I suffered from the first ever death in my family.... my grandad sadly passed away and although i should have been glad i had 28 years of having all four grandparents it destroyed me....

and all of this stuff just continued......

Last September i decided to go to the doctors and he advised me that in his opinion i had post natal depression he prescribed me with Fluoxetine anti depressants....which i started taking but stopped just before my grandads death as i thought I'm ok.... there is nothing wrong with me.... i have a loverly hubby and two gorgeous children....why should i be unhappy????? i love my child.... people hate their children if they have post natal depression...don't they???? all these thoughts just kept going through my head 24 hours a day.......

But then when my grandad dies i just went into a total relapse....but i kept fighting and fighting with myself....... put on the brave face....be a good wife...be a good mum...don't let people see me cry..... and so on and on

Eventually in June i broke down, i locked myself in my garage for four hours....just to cry and cry and cry...... my hubby was so upset and then made me go back to the doctors.

I had weeks then of panic attcks, obsessing over deadly illnesses i may have or my children may have..... even if they coughed i though they had cancer....so silly now when i think back but at the time i made all these irrational thoughts real..... being sick and not eating was the worse as then i could not sleep as my belly was rumbling and i was just exhausted..... i would never want to go to that place again as at the time....i felt like the world would be better off without me..... Im just very lucky i had my husband to help me get over this.

Since then i have been on the antidepressants and have taken up lots of walking, massage, relaxation cd's, pilates and many other tools in order to stop my panic attacks and the deep hole i was in.....I also had some councelling which was great, and really did help me.

Its still a up hill struggle and some days i wake up and just want to scream WHY ME?????? but i know now that im not a nutcase and there is a lot of mums going though this and i will some day get over it or at least learn how to deal with it.

I wrote this reveiw as a reminder to myself how far i have came, a few months ago i would not have even been able to write this down without breaking down in a crying mess.....

i just want people to know that no matter how hard it gets, there is always help out there some where....... and please do not do what i did and try and suffer through it all without telling anyone.......

Summary: PND made me feel like a complete and utter failure....BUT I'm not and i will get over this!