An illness that makes you feel like a stranger to yourself (Post-Natal Depression)

Member Name: meumeu77

Product:	Post-Natal Depression
Date:	06/11/08 (125 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: None

Disadvantages: Makes you feel awful, worthless but there is a way out.

It seems like a long time since I suffered from post-natal depression but it was only last year.

A combination of factors aggravated the symptoms and made me sink deeper into depression.

There has never been any doubt that me and my other half wanted our baby. We planned the pregnancy and everything worked out alright. In fact I felt blessed compared to some of my friends who had been trying in vain for months or years.

I was fairly emotional during the pregnancy and my stressful job back then did not help. I had a very unsupportive employer.

After our boy was born, I really struggled with breastfeeding but being such a stubborn person, I carried on nevertheless through pain (infected mastitis amongst other things). The struggle lasted 12 weeks, during which I became aggressive towards my family (partner and mother namely).

A few months passed and I went back to work. I hated my job, found it even harder now I had a baby to look after. I beat myself up mentally over silly things (ie: if I'd not done the pots and the house was a bit untidy) and I became finally convinced that I was a crap mother, a crap person and that really what was the point of me being around? My partner could cope with our baby and seemed to make a great job of it too. I started to imagine him and my boy living happily without me and doing just fine.
I kept all these thoughts to myself, I also started picturing myself throwing myself down the stairs. I started crying easily too.

One morning I sat up in bed and couldn't get out of bed. It's as if I'd been stuck to the bed. I phoned work to say I didn't know what was wrong with me but that I wouldn't be able to go in and I went to see my GP. I cracked up in her office and after a series of questions, she diagnosed me with severe post-natal depression.

Then started a long road to recovery. I went from being sociable to becoming withdrawn. I was scared to answer the phone and made up excuses not to meet up with friends. I became agoraphobic, wouldn't go out for days on end. I agreed with my GP that I had to try and force myself and I managed to get out of the house for 5 minutes every 3 days, then every other day and finally, after several weeks, every day and for longer walks thanks to a neighbour who came along with me.

I was ok going out if I was with my partner or a friend but if I went to the supermarket on my own, I started having panic attacks, shaking a lot and feeling drained, which is what happened when I went to buy nappies (and just that). Imagine if I'd gone for a weekly shop!

I didn't take anti-depressants because I didn't want to pass any drugs onto my baby as I was still breastfeeding. My GP was very understanding and referred me to a trainee psychologist who helped to a certain extent but that wasn't enough.

I had to wait another 4 months until I could see a therapist and I had CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). It was like having a kick in the backside when I finally started the CBT. It definitely worked for me even though I didn't like the way she talked to me at times and I made sure I told her! But she knew what she was doing and was trying to get a reaction out of me. I had 7 sessions altogether. I started looking after myself more, doing sport again and meeting up with my friends again.

I must say that during all that time though I managed to look after our son because my other half has always been very supportive and our close friends helped a lot too and also because despite feeling really low and useless I still cared hugely about our boy and he was my priority.

This bad phase seems like it was in another life altogether and I'll know how to recognise the signs before it gets that bad.

I've since ditched my stressful job and am now working freelance, which has done me a lot of good as I can decide when I work and I'm my own boss.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It can just take a little longer to see it for some. (It took me 7 months).

Summary: PND will put you down and make you feel rubbish but you can beat it. I did.