There is a light at the end of that very long tunnel of darkness (Post-Natal Depression)

Member Name: cookie334

Product:	Post-Natal Depression
Date:	30/11/08 (137 review reads)
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Having a new baby is difficult at the best of times, but when the baby blues set in a few days after, it becomes an emotional rollercoaster. Imagine if those baby blues don't go away and although you're overwhelmed by the arrival of your bundle of joy, you just find it so difficult to give even a little smile. If you can imagine this, you've probably had or have post natal depression because for a mum that's never suffered, it's impossible to imagine.

I suffered PND following the birth of my son in 2003. Although my experience has probably been similar to most cases of PND, unlike most, I believe I know why I suffered. I believe it all began during my pregnancy. When I was 20 weeks pregnant with my son, I had the usual ultrasound scan and we were told that our baby had hydracephalus, I wont go into huge detail, but it's basically fluid on the brain. The doctors recommendation was that the pregnancy was terminated. However after many discussions, debates, arguments and a second opinion, my partner and I decided against doing so. The pregnancy was extremely difficult and we had been prepared to expect both mental and physical disabilities with our baby.

When my due date arrived, I was taken to a hospital quite far from home to be induced. Because of this, I went through most of my labour alone. My partner wasn't there when they induced me, the midwives left me to it and my labour went super fast (under 2 hours), so my partner arrived just as our baby was being born. Our son was taken away immediately without his first breastfeed or any skin to skin contact.

The doctors checked our son over and we got to see him after about an hour. We were told that he may have problems with his breathing and his temperature, but were allowed to take him home the next day.

Our baby boy had to go for an MRI scan, but we had a 2 month wait until the appointment. During this time, I tried very hard not to get too close to my little boy. I loved him so much, but I was scared to bond with him as I had no idea what the future held. I did everything I needed to do - I breastfed my baby, I changed his nappies etc, but I wouldn't just sit and cuddle him and I wouldn't play with him. I had all this love and emotion for my new baby boy, but I didn't dare give it to him, as I was scared of what might happen. I loved him so much already that I couldn't bear anything bad to happen. The thought of getting to know his own little personality and the feeling of cuddling him close to me and the fear of smelling that new born baby smell was terrifying in case I lost it all again.

I am sure that as well as all the previous turmoil, this was the main reason I had depression. The total contradicting feelings and emotions were enough to send anyone crazy. I don't know if knowing the cause makes it easier to live with or easier to get over as I only have my own experience, but I can honestly say that this was the hardest time of my life.

I wasn't diagnosed as being depressed until 4 months after the birth - after we'd been told that although our son had several brain abnormalities, he was completely healthy. I think it's because up until that point, I was in auto pilot, getting on with things and trying not to think about what might happen. So, when we were told our son was going to be fine, it was like I'd been holding my breath and could finally let it go. With this came a whole new wave of emotions. I felt relief that my baby was going to be OK, but guilt for not showing him any love for the first 4 months of his life. I felt sadness that I'd wasted so much time that I wouldn't ever get back. I felt anger that we'd been put through so much for nothing, worry that the doctors might have it wrong again and I felt anxious. I still can't explain the anxious part, but this was the most overpowering emotion of all.

The next few months were the worst. I couldn't leave the house. Everytime I did, I felt so anxious that I would have a panic attack. I'd make myself sick with anxiety and so eventually I just didn't go out at all.

In the end, I realised that for the sake of my kids, I had to sort myself out. I got myself to the doctor, however, his only solution appeared to be valium, which wasn't a route I wanted to take. I got in touch with my health visitor, who was a lot more helpful. She referred me to a psychologist, who although offered no solutions, was very good at making me understand why I found it so difficult to feel happy. She gave me positive alternatives to the negative thoughts I had and I always felt better just offloading onto her.

I have to say that although I used help and advice from others, I think my recovery so far is down to my own hard (very hard) work. I had to recognise the problems (my panic attacks) and the triggers in order to make them better. I believe I also needed a focus, a reason to get better. If it had been just me, depressed but on my own, I do think it would've been almost impossible. However, I had 2 wonderful, beautiful kids, one of which was somewhat of a miracle and I realised how lucky I was that I had him, if I'd gone with the doctors original recommendation, things could've been very different indeed. And so that's what got me through it.

My son is now 5 years old. I still don't think I'm totally over it yet. I'm still a nervous wreck half the time, but I can take my kids out and more importantly I can smile and laugh and just enjoy them. I still have the occassional panic attack, usually if I get stuck in traffic or if I'm in a crowded place and I still find the thought of getting on a bus or having a night out absolutely terrifying, but I'm by no means housebound any more. I've forced myself to do things to help myself get better - taking driving lessons and sitting my test, booking a holiday so I had to go on a plane. More recently I volunteered to arrange meet ups for Netmums in my local area (see my Netmums review). I like the thought that by doing this I can maybe come across other mums in a similar situation and help them out. All of these things I've done have been MASSIVE challenges for me, but ones that have made my life more positive again.

I feel when it comes to PND and indeed to any kind of depression, doctors are far too quick to prescribe medication these days. I honestly believe that if I had gone with my doctors suggestion of valium I'd still be taking them now. I don't think this is dealing with the problem, but rather covering up the symptoms. They're not just going to go away by themselves and I think it's very irresponsible of doctors to be so quick in offering it.

Obviously everyone is different, but my advice to anyone suffering from PND would be to seek help! I found my health visitor was the best source of help, probably because they deal with more PND cases and are more keen to promote alternatives to drugs. However, if you can't admit there's a problem, you will find it impossible to overcome. You can't deal with a problem if you refuse to admit there is one, so it's very important to be honest about your feelings. The minute you start hiding them again is the minute you start going back down the way. Honesty is the key. That and positive thinking can work wonders.


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Some useful facts about post natal depression:

Post natal depression is common. It happens in 10-15% of new mothers.

PND will usually occur in the first month following the birth of a baby, but can happen any time in the first year.

No one knows the real cause of PND. It is believed that there are a number of factors and that it is a mixture of hormonal changes, the stress of having a new born baby and disrupted sleep.

PND is more common in mothers who have previously had depression.

It is also more common in mothers who have a family history of depression due to genetic factors.

PND is also more common in mothers who have experienced stressful life events during the pregnancy, those who do not have support at home, in those in whom the baby was unplanned or unwanted, and when the baby has been born with some problem.

Summary: Get help, find a focus, be honest and think positive