A hurt that never heals.. (Pregnancy Complications)

Member Name: leviathan

Product:	Pregnancy Complications
Date:	14/01/01 (210 review reads)
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A well mean't comment I'm sure, but one I have never forgiven, was made to me just over thirty six years ago, when my first child, a perfectly normal,full term baby girl was stillborn..
"Its one of those things...You are young and healthy and will have other children.Pretend this never happened" said the obstetrician who had adamently refused to let me see, or hold the life I had carried for nine months.
And I like to think that my reaction to this insensitive, crass advice went some way to forcing the medical profession into changing the way they deal with the bereaved parents of stillborn babies..

Then,the fight for information, any information as to why my baby had died, was long, and fraught with obstacles..We were not even allowed to know where our baby was buried..Even though we had paid for a funeral..(Stillborn babies were buried during another funeral service in those days).
The medical profession put up a wall, it took several years to break down..During which time I had lost another baby through miscarriage, and almost lost my second full term daughter, for what turned out to be the reason I had lost the first..And all that time they kept giving the same advice.." Put it behind you..Get on with your life"..

Easily said..Not so easily done when plagued with nightmares,and wracked by grief..

During the seven years after my eldest daughter was born, I miscarried six more times..And still no-one could, or would tell me WHY this kept happening to me..
I appeared to be healthy..Had no difficulty conceiving, and yet I lost my babies.
Then in 1978 I faced making the hardest decision of all..Pregnant again , and walking on eggshells, I was sent for a scan..(It was a fairly new technology then), after which I was told there was no possibilty of my carrying the baby to term, and abortion was recommended..
Then and only then was told what was wrong..Even though the doctors had known from
what had happened with my first pregnancy..For some hormonal reason my placenta's deteriorate faster than the baby can develop..
Had I been given this information,I could have saved myself a great deal of heartache.
I would not have put myself through the misery of losing my babies..Of having to suffer the twin agonies of guilt and grief when a healthy baby was aborted.Of believing myself to be inadequate, a failure..

Nor was I the only one to feel the pain..My husband not only lost his children, but he had to deal with me..And looking back I know I did not make it easy for him..I was angry, hurt,.I still am , albeit to a lesser degree, because each and every one of those lost babies mean't so much..

However miracles do happen..One had happened in 1966 when my eldest daughter was born, and one occured again in 1980, when being closer to 40 than 35 I found I was pregnant again..I will not bore any readers with the details, but I suspect you can imagine the fear which accompanied me as I had my first scan..Which in truth was not encouraging..
But medical science had moved on..The obstretrician gave me an option this time, and like a drowning man clutching his straw I took it..The result another healthy baby girl..
I adore my children..I grieve for those I never had the chance to know, and I feel for anyone who loses their baby..Thankfully bereaved parents are treated more kindly nowadays..That a real loss has occurred is accepted..Yet there are many like me who do not know where their babies are buried..There are still a few obstinate walls to be knocked down, and I shall keep hammering against them.For I do not think I can 'get on with my life' until I find her resting place..

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