Sisterly / Brotherly Love - The Stuff Of Dreams? (Sibling Rivalry!)

Member Name: karenuk

Product:	Sibling Rivalry!
Date:	17/08/01 (70 review reads)
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I was an only child until the age of thirty, when my beautiful baby sister was born. This meant my childhood consisted of being very good at finding things to do and amusing myself. I could always take a friend on holiday with me. I could read a book or watch a TV programme without interference from siblings. My toys and books were in good condition and stayed so for decades. I had no-one to fight with and had all the latest toys at Christmas. I did ballet, tap and stage, gymnastics, Brownies – basically whatever I wanted.

Of course, this was all very nice, but I did get lonely at times, bored and always wanted a sister. I had an idyllic view of siblings, I just knew that any I had would be perfect and ignored everyone who told me how awful it was to have brothers or sisters. I imagined having several, all of us being very close, growing up to be best friends and living in the same street, our children playing together.

So I blame being an only child for my desire to have a big family. I originally wanted twelve children, but after a long, painful labour and a few months of sleepless nights, I changed my mind and settled for four.

My eldest daughter will be eleven in October, my son will be ten in February, then I have two more daughters who are eight and five years old. So now, I can see the disadvantages of having siblings through the eyes of my kids.

In contrast to my childhood, my children don’t often go on holidays, because it’s so expensive (and so much hassle!) to take six people anywhere. They occasionally have friends staying over, but we don’t really have the space, with us living in a rented three-bedroomed house.

Their toys and books are often damaged by younger siblings. They have less at Christmas than I did, because there was only one of me and there are four of them. For the same reason, they do less sports and after-school activities than I did, due to the cost of classes, equi
pment and clothing, plus the sheer nightmare of getting everyone to the right place at the right time.

All this produces something I have never experienced – sibling rivalry.

Why does she get a room on her own, while we have to share? Because she’s the oldest, you two are the youngest.
Why does she get to go to bed at 9pm and I have to go at 7pm? Because you’re five and she’s nearly eleven.
Why can’t I have a big party and take all my friends bowling, followed by a McDonald’s and still get a Gameboy Advance? Because you have three siblings who need to be invited too, then if we spend that much money on you, we need to do exactly the same for all four of you and we just can’t afford it.
Why does she have pet rats and he has a hamster, but I can’t have a pet of my own? Because you’re only eight, they’re older. You have to share with your little sister and we can’t trust her with an animal yet.

And so it goes on….

This all leads to a huge amount of conflict, usually including shouting and screaming, sometimes leading to fights – with poor old me stuck in the middle.

Things are especially hard in the Summer holidays, when things are so different – no school or proper routine, nothing to channel their energies into, copious amounts of time together and no child-free time for me.

A lot of the rivalry can’t really be avoided. Jealousies and insecurities are always going to be there, unless you are an only child – and then you’ll just be insecure, but jealous of other families!

My eldest is going through puberty and is therefore becoming shapely, but she is convinced she is fat and wishes she were stick-thin like her sister. At the same time, her sister wishes she were developing.

These two don’t get on very well anyway. There are only two and a half years between them, but my eldes
t is very sensible, responsible and mature for her age. My eight year old is still quite silly and giggly, something my eldest feels she grew out of years ago.

My eight year old daughter and my son are only fourteen months apart and are often inseparable. This means they stick together and gang up on the other two.

My eight year old and my five year old get on very well, most of the time and will often find games to play or videos to watch, that seem to make the three years between them negligible. My son and my five year old usually don’t get on, he has ADHD, she has ODD. She knows exactly how to wind him up, then complains when he snaps and hits her. Fun, fun, fun.

So, what can you do about it? Well, first of all, accept it’s normal, you aren’t going to cure it, but can improve things a little. Here are a few tips…

1) Be sure to praise each child for their own talents. Try not to compare them unfavourably. One might be academic, one sporty, one musical. Every child is very good at something, make sure you acknowledge their accomplishments.

2) Don’t take sides yourself, unless one child is definitely in the wrong – i.e. swearing, fighting without provocation, being wilfully destructive, stealing, etc. Kids see any taking of sides as ‘loving her/him more than you love me’. Make sure you always tell your children you love them all.

3) Try to explain why a sibling seems to be getting preferential treatment and negotiate. Promise them equal rights – ‘When you’re ten, you can go to bed at 9pm too’ – so they know they will be treated the same, at a certain age.

4) If you go to see your youngest in her school concert, be sure to watch your eldest child’s football match too. Don’t just take time off work to watch your little one’s Sports Day, but find you can’t make your big one’s. Be as fair as yo
u can, but if something important keeps you from attending, explain why. Try not to show favouritism.

5) Finally, be there for each of your children. You will find that being a parent is about so much more than just parenting – being a mediator, judge and jury are just three of the many components in the job. But you all knew that anyway.

Sibling rivalry is normal, it isn’t a sign you are doing anything wrong, it just shows how generations of children discover the same problems. Siblings who are best friends throughout their lives, without ever arguing, are a tiny minority – if they exist at all! The ones who don’t get on? Well, let’s hope that in twenty years’ time, they’ll be best friends, living in the same street, with their children playing together. Well, we can dream….

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