Changing your lifestyle as a single parent can make all the difference (Single Parent Families)

Member Name: buckhysen

Product:	Single Parent Families
Date:	18/02/09 (193 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Easier life, less problems at home, better behaved children

Disadvantages: Changing your lifestyle, not always taking the easy way out

After reading a few of these and mostly seeing views from Single Mum's or comments regarding single Mum's I'd thought I'd give a single Dad's view.

I've been a single Dad now for around 3 1/2 years. I've had relationships in this time but since late 2005 it's just been my two children and myself living at home.
The question I get asked most of all from friends, etc is 'Is it hard being a single parent?', and my answer is 'Yes'. But then I don't think it's all that much harder than for a stay at home Mum or Dad IF you are organised and not afraid to ask for help.

I am very lucky that my parents help me out a great deal. My two don't see their Mum due to alcohol abuse and her abusive nature in the past (Not to them but in general), but they see their Grandparents most weekends and will go away on holiday for a week at least once a year. Which gives them a good time and me a break, which I think all parents need.

The big difference I have found since becoming a single Dad is that you cannot get a break whenever you want or need it. i.e. You can't just say to a partner, I'm going into town for an hour, going for a drink, going to see a friend, etc. If the children play up or are noisy it's just left to you to deal with it and cope on your own. But then that is no difference to a stay at home parent who has a partner who works long hours. The only difference is you go a little longer without a break and you don't get any support/have to make all the decisions.

In saying all that I do think there are some changes you can make to your lifestyle and things you can do to make life so much easier for yourself and your children.

I was forced to give up work 9 years ago now due to my ex partner becoming ill and then becoming an alcoholic... This was a huge cause in the break up of our relationship. At the time I worked long hours for not exactly a huge pay. But I loved my job and still did spend a lot of time with my children. But as my ex became more and more sick, she became more and more impossible to live with, to the point where we could no longer live together and she became abusive.

Now this is not a sob story, it was a long time ago and my only regret now is that I wasted so much of my life (5 years) in trying to help her and help her get better. But my experience with my ex leads me to believe now that my situation is slightly different than most, in the fact that when I became a single parent I actually found life easier, because I only had my two young children to bring up and deal with, and not a partner who demanded so much of my time and effort with nothing back in return.

In saying that, my children were so upset by their Mum's actions in the last year in particular, and then being let down so often that they needed a lot of my time, so although in the time since I gave up full time work I had been working self employed I knew I could no longer do this once I became a single Dad. Quite simply I had to change my lifestyle.

After a couple of months at home during the summer holidays I got back into self employed work and kept my hours down so that I only worked when the kids were at school, which is mostly what I still do today. I stopped drinking, had already gave up smoking and decided I didn't really need a car anymore. So these three things saved me a lot of money, meaning I didn't have to work extra hours and be away from my children, which then would have meant paying extra for child minders, etc.

The one big thing I found is that to make life easier for you and the children, you HAVE to spend time with them, you have to take them out and show an interest in their lives. I know a lot of parents that don't do this for whatever reason, and therefore their children drive them mad all day, every day... they play up and it does make life extremely difficult for a single parent.
Don't get me wrong, my two kids still play up and argue, but I do find that by taking them out and doing lots of things with them that they don't play me up as a lot of other kids seem to do with their parents.

I also found that you have to be strict on certain things and lay down the law and stick to your guns. My children know that if they behave and are well behaved then they will get extra treats. Not sweets or junk food, etc but by going out and having fun, going out to eat, etc, etc.

I also have found that it is a good idea to ask for help whenever you need it, whether this be from parents, relatives, friends, or even the children themselves. I don't mean taking advantage while you go to the pub and get drunk or sit and watch TV all day, but if I need to work outside of school hours then I am never afraid to ask my parents to have the girls for a couple of hours or ask a friend if my children can spend an hour at there's. As I often return the favour and try and help out my friends and family I usually find they are happy to help. After all, nobody can do it all by themselves.

One thing we do a lot also, which we find is a huge help is to sit and talk once a week about things around the house. I tell my kids what I am happy and angry about, with regards to their behaviour, and they tell me if they feel I am not spending enough time with them or taking them out enough. By doing they know what is expected of them by me and I know if I am making enough effort to keep them active and happy.
Chatting to a few friends about this I don't know of any other single parent that seems to do this. And I do think this is where a lot of problems arise.

Only today a friend of mine came over with her children and to put it kindly they wrecked the place. They were rude, noisy, unresponsive and quite frankly were not well behaved at all. When chatting to my friend she said that her children never listen to her and always run riot, and I've heard this from a fair few single parents (Mum's and Dad's) but she (And others) also said that she never sits down and talks to them about their behaviour and never tells them what she expects of them when they go out.

When I and my Brother were kids my parents were always taking us out, they told us what was expected of us and if we didn't behave we would get a whack around the back of the head. Now I don't hit my own children but at the same time I ensure they know what is expected of them when we are out and about, and if they play up then we don't go out again until they behave better.

It often seems to me that children today control their parents. They whine and moan and parents give in to them for a peaceful life, but I really do think this is a cop out. I think when it comes to your children you have to be firm and strong as well as loving and do all the fun things. They need guidance and they need to be told what to do in life. Not ordered around like little slaves, but they do need your experience and guidance.

I do think a major reason why so many kids seem to go off the rails or roam the streets causing trouble at nights is that they have no guidance from their parents, and are not taught right from wrong. So they have to find their own way, and often this is through friends who may lead them astray.
I am a big believer that if you want and have children then you have to put in the effort it takes to bring them up to be responsible adults.
Telling them to 'Go upstairs', 'Go out and play', etc really is the easiest way out, whereas if you just spend a bit of time and effort actually getting to know your children and spending time with them, I find they are far more likely to respect you and behave better..... and therefore give you (And them) an easier life.

Nobody has children expecting to be a single parent, but if you become one I think you have to look at the best way to live your life to maximise the time you spend with your children and ensure you get the easiest life possible, especially if you do not get much help from an absent parent.
I never planned on being a single Dad but now I am I don't want to waste time away from my children, paying someone else to bring them up or constantly fighting a battle to keep them under control.
I'd rather change my lifestyle to make life as easy and convenient as possible for myself and my children, through hard work and a mixture of fun and good times.

You can change your lifestyle to suit what is best for you and your children, it does seem to me though that a LOT of people take the easiest way out, when in actual fact this only makes life harder and more of a struggle... as you constantly fight to keep misguided children under control.

Summary: Single parenting is certainly not easy, but you can make it easier