I learnt from the best. (Single Parent Families)

Member Name: hotcritic

Product:	Single Parent Families
Date:	08/06/04 (1668 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: REWARDING, SENSE OF PRIDE, ACHEIVEMENT

Disadvantages: EXPENSIVE, CAN BE LONELY, MAY FEEL LOSS OF SELF WORTH.

I was flicking through parenting issues. Had no intention of writing a review today, its too hot!
But when I found this category I just couldn't resist it. I was a single parent to my daughter for almost twelve years. I myself came from a single parent family.

I do believe there are so many issues relating to single parent family's, so I have headed each portion for easier reading.

What makes a single parent ?
************************

I don't mean, at this stage, how to become the perfect single parent as that person hasn't been born yet.
In this section I want to name the situations that make a single parent.
Many situations occur where it is only possible for one parent to become the sole upbringer.

1) A death of a partner.

2) A young mother pregnant at an early age.

3) Relationship/ marriage break up.

4) Father/ mother receiving custodial sentence. ( in prison)

5) absent parent ( working abroad ect)

Although there are many more categories, I am sure that they will relate to one of the above.

My feelings on single parents.
**********************

I, Like half the local authorities believe that a two parent family is ideal for any child. However, as we all know this is not always the perfect situation.
An abusive partner can cause much more harm than an absent partner.
I believe that as long as the childs welfare is not compramised then a single parent is quite able to bring that child/ children up adequetly.
You may feel that as I am a single parent I would argue for, not against.
Your wrong. I am o the fence as I have seen single parents coping, and not coping so well.
It is not something that comes naturally. Just as parenthood on the whole does not come naturally.

If you have a young teenage mother/ father. The input would need to be greater than an older mother suddenly left alone.
This could be

given in a number of ways.
An older sister/ brother.
A parent.
Local authorities.
General practioner.
Midwife.
Community nurse.
Health visitor.
Nurserys/ school.
Friends.
Local support groups.

To name but a few.

My experience as a single parent.
****************************

I fell pregnant at twenty one. It was not a planned pregnancy, but I never call my daughter a mistake.

I did not know the Father. It was at a party, but as I did not drink, I cannot blame alcohol.
I went through the pregnancy alone, moving away from my family so as not to bring shame upon my Mum.
This was a silly move as my Mum knew more than most that it was not the thing to do.
She had moved away from her family to have my older sister.

I eventually got a council house, had my daughter, and got back in touch with my family.
As I can now say, it was the best thing I ever did. My family were not only overjoyed with our new family member, and happy to see the older one back, but were so supportive to me.

I brought my daughter up alone, without a Father, but with the help of my family. ( not financial)
I worked in cafe's, taxi offices, cleaning, a sausage factory, a pen factory, and I am probebly one of those annoying canvassers that have called you up to buy a new kitchen!
But I WORKED. I never claimed from the state.

The ups and downs of single parenthood.
*********************************

Advantages: When your child speaks her/ his first word, you taught them alone.
First steps taken towards you mean you are travelling on the same progressive road with your tiny mite.
Supporting your child in all they do will help to bond you as their parent for life.
You achieved one of the hardest challenges in life, but the rewards are endless, and so warming.

disadvantages: Things can get pretty lonely with no partner to share it all wit
h.

Being both Mother and father can be tireing.
The child can suffer emotionally if your not coping. Always look and take help when it's offered.( by people you know and trust)

THE ABSENT FATHER/ MOTHER.
***************************
It might not matter to you where the absent parent is. ( not applicable for death of a parent. Your own experience is devastating and this section will not be applicable to you.)
But for your child, in any situation be it, left at an early age, or not present from birth/ conseption, it will matter to your child.

Absent from birth.
**************

Because the Father/Mother was not there rom day one does not mean they don't count.
They are the biological parent and have rights by law.
If it was an acromoniuos relationship there will be many grieviences from both sides. Don't let this show in the description you give to your child.
One day he/ she may well meet that parent. All the love and trust you enforced could be lost on the first visitation to that absent parent.
If it's never possible for the child to meet the absent parent for what ever reason. Try to tell them in your own way, the nice things that you shared. Although there will come a time you will want to diss the partner, try to avoid it at all costs.
Tell them honestly, if it was abuse ect that drove you apart, maybe adding that it was not the child fault. Never tell a child the absent parent 'didn't want you'. Maybe say that he/she could not cope with the situation, but if they could see them now, they would probebly be as much in love as you are.

Absent from birth onwards.
**********************

You will probebly have burnt all photo's in anger. If however, you still posess some, show them. All the tips above count too.
Retain visits in a civil manner. A child will pick up on ;
Voice change, lower talking will only promote a child to try to l
isten to the conversation.
Avoid arguments, keeping the conversation to contact only.
Always try to avoid court herings for contact. Use a mediator, or local mediation center's if you don't want to meet with your partner.
Remember that the welfare of your child/ children is the only thing any court will be interested in.

Finnally, never, ever diss your partner to your child. It was your relationship, not theirs. It's their parents not yours!


Last minuet tips:

Children from one parent familys can, at times, be judged as poor. Low income familys seem to be judged in some circles, and most of these are from single parent family's.
Teach your hild that they come from a good home, with a good parent. Tell them all the time that they are loved as much as a two parent child.

Don't allow your child to use the fact that an absent parent is something to get sympathy.

Dicipline is a healthy part of upbringing.
Don't compensate an absent parent for treats and lack of dicipline. You will have a brat on your hands believe me I have seen this happen!

Live a normal and healthy active social life. Remember a happy parent makes happy kids!
Don't outdo yourself trying to catch up with name brand clothes ect for your kids.
Friend have kids thAt have grown out of theirs, offer a little cash for them.
Remember the golden rule: NEVER GIVE IN FOR THE ABSENT PARENT.

iF YOU MEET ANOTHER PARTNER, AND WANT TO INTRODUCE HIM/HER TO THE KIDS, MAKE SURE YOU KNOW everything POSSIBLE ABOUT THEM FIRST. ( A LEAST A YEAR OF DATING)
You will hate yourself for introducing your kids to a man/woman that they like only to have them walk after a few months of 'your baggage'.
Likewise, you may want to end the relationship but feel the kids get on so well with him/her, its a substitute parent.
Thats only two of the most important reasons to wait.
But I don'
;t want to cause panick, how about what the prospective partner may be?
JUST A THOUGHT!
Always get to know your intended.

Finnally, enjoy being a single parent. Noone said it was easy.But you will have rewarding moments, a feeling of acheivement, but most of all you would have broug
ht up a little person of tomorrow.

Their are many local groups, the main one being gingerbread, for single parents and their familys.
Gingerbread is in the yellow pages, and I am quite sure have a web site too.
Sorry I cannot give phone numbers ect.

From a dedicated single Mum.

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