A huge step for any potential parent. (The trials and tribulations of step-parenting)

Member Name: dididave

Product:	The trials and tribulations of step-parenting
Date:	28/05/09 (72 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Rewarding, interesting and challenging.

Disadvantages: Stressful, stressful and definitely stressful!

Being a step-parent is undoubtedly one of the stupidest, challenging and frustrating things anyone can choose to do. You have to be slightly insane to contemplate taking on what people often describe as, "someone else's kids" and it is frequently a stressful experience. However, over time it is also one of the most rewarding and fulfilling parts of life as it dawns on you that the children who your friends call "baggage" have rapidly become as much your children as anyone can be.

Imagine if you can my family and friends reaction when they found out that at twenty-one years old, I had decided to "take on" three children aged ten, seven and two! Needless to say I received much interrogation from my parents in particular, including questions about why I chose someone with children. Nobody seemed to realise how serious I was about the lady I was later to marry. Constant queries about whether I was happy have continued. Even now eight years on, it is almost as if people think I will come to my senses and wander off for a life of bachelorhood and tinned beans.

What few people without step-children seem to realise is that you do not choose who you fall in love with and nobody intentionally goes out looking for this ready-made family. We all have idealistic dreams of falling in love with your childhood sweetheart, getting married and having 2.4 children but the reality of modern society is that things often work in reverse. This is no better illustrated in my case were I met my current wife, inherited three children, waited for her divorce, had a fourth and then got married! I have never called my step-children "baggage" as so many people tend to and got involved with my dear wife thinking I understood what I am signing up for. Needless to say what I thought being a step-parent was about was merely the tip of a titanic-sinking sized iceberg.

Being a step-parent is an almost constant struggle and something I will continue to struggle with for the rest of my life. I remember the first few months of being slowly being introduced to my children as being horrendously uncomfortable for all of us. Being a bit of a silly oaf initially worked wonders and I found two of three children taking to me very quickly. However, my ten-year-old son was not as much as a pushover and some obvious resentment over this stranger coming into a house that his dad had lived in is something that has continued even to this day. Obviously with younger children it is easier. My youngest son doesn't even remember his dad being there.

There is an inherent difficulty with coming into an already established family unit and there continues to be a balancing act between me being friend of foe. This is further complicated by the sporadic involvement of my children's biological father who often pours poison into ears regarding how poorly he is treated. Retaliating to this is never a good idea in my experience but can make an already difficult situation more difficult. My relationship with all my children is undoubtedly a complex one. The very fact I call them "my children" is the perfect example of this. They don't call me dad but to all intents and purposes that is what I am and how I am treated. I get father's day cards to dad and the kids even changed their surnames by deed poll to mine for a present! To all intents and purposes I am their father. However, there is always that, "you're not my real dad" thing in the back of my mind despite this only ever being said once in eight years.

As a step-parent you undoubtedly need to develop a thick skin as comments such as those above can be extremely hurtful. My children love me, I know this but nobody can be as vicious as a hormonal teenager and this is something I have learnt to my cost over the years. The difficulty in being a surrogate father figure is that you have an almost impossible task of trying to be friend, role model and disciplinarian. Often it will be the step-parent who gets the grief no matter whether you are involved or not while your partner gets off scot free. Unfortunately, this is all part and parcel of the role we play. We are often the evil panto character of our children's lives and as a step-parent, we are ideally cast for the role whether we choose to play it or not. And do spare a thought for your other half who more often than not is stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to support you without alienating their children.

Of course, time solves so many things. Two years ago for example I and my teenage son could have quite happily murdered each other. Despite a complete lack of genetic link, we are very similar and this is something we only now realise and get on a million times better as a result. My love for my children and their for me I strongly believe has grown over the years to the point were there is no doubt in my mind that I love them as much as my one biological daughter, something many people refuse to believe. I won't deny that we constantly have to work at our relationship and compromise but we grow closer every day and the hard work we all put in has resulted in the best rewards.

I hope the picture I have painted has not put too many people off. Despite the challenging view of parenting painted here, I would not swap my family for anything. This is undoubtedly the best thing I have done in life and anyone seriously considering it might find it will be theirs too.

Summary: Not for everyone but works for me!