“ Can you help others to find ways to cope and recover from divorce? „
i have been heart broken, i have only been in love once actually twice now! and i must say losing someone you love is soul destroying! however falling in love again especially when we are having a child is a way to grow as a couple!!! i am now stronger as a person with my fiancee and a child on the way than i have ever been!! so my only understanding of divorce is if you really are in love and have a chance to develope as a couple will happen however you have to be prepared to make sacrifices for eachother and be prepared to work at things cause a marriage.my parents are going through a difficult time and it effects everyone! so you must really be sure about marriage before blessing your relationship!all the best to everyone! :-)
I came across this category and was interested enough to put forward my top tips for building confidence.
I have never been married, therefore never been divorced though I have been through a number of break ups, so do have lots of empathy with those that have gone through this.
Over the last few years, I have trained as a Life Coach and now work in this field.
I am hugely into self development and since 2006 have digested loads of books on building self confidence, attended a number of self development courses, have been coached myself and have worked with over 100 clients.
I have loads of ideas on building and regaining self confidence, in any situation - including after divorce, so thought I would share these with interested readers.
Please note that these also feature on my website, my blog and have also been submitted to various article distributors on the web.
"If you believe you can, or you believe you can't, you are probably right" Henry Ford.
Self confidence is a state of mind. Anyone can become more confident, it's simply a life skill like any other.
Increased self confidence can help you to achieve whatever you want from your personal and professional life.
When you gain or regain self confidence, the world is no longer a scary place, but is filled with excitement and opportunity.
Why settle for second best? Why not seize life with both hands and achieve the things you really want? What's stopping you from achieving your true potential?
Success breeds success and you will see positive changes in a very short space of time. As your confidence grows, you will want to stretch yourself and see just how far you can go.
One point to remember is that nobody in the world is 100% confident, 100% of the time - everyone sometimes doubts their confidence to some extent, but there are ways to overcome this and improve self confidence.
Here are my suggestions:
10 Sure Fire Ways to Build / Regain Self Confidence
1 - Work out where your confidence levels are in various areas of your life taht have been impacted by your divorce:
Here are a few suggested areas, though feel free to adopt new ones or disregard any of these:
-confidence in relationships
-confidence in self to make decisions
-confidence in looks
- confidence raising children alone ..... etc.
Score these on a scale of 1 - 10, where 1 is very little confidence and 10 is very confident and keep a note of the date that you do this.
2 - In your own mind what area or areas you would like to work on first - what's most important to you now.
Then work out in your own mind what success means to you in that area. What goals do you want your new confident self to achieve in that area? Make these SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-bound) goals and write them down using the formula,
"It is now (date) and I am / have (insert your own words)". Imagine these are your ultimate goals if everything was exactly as you wanted it to be (10 out of 10).
3 - For each goal, spend some time thinking about what needs to have happened to let you know that you have achieved this goal? What will you be saying to yourself, what will you be doing, what will other people be saying?
4 - 90% of achieving your goals come from the "Why". Why are these goals important to you? What are the reasons, write them all down beside each goal.
5 - From your previous list you will now know which areas of your life you are already confident in (if any). List your key strengths in these areas, what are you good at? Note these down and look for evidence to back these up.
6 - What could you do to move your current rating up by one notch? E.g. if you are confident in your looks and rate this today at 5/10, what could you do to move it to a 6/10 ?
List all possible ideas, spend some quality time doing this and draw up a long list of things that you could do, not that you necessarily will do - brainstorm this so you have a long, long list of possible steps you could take to take you closer to your goal.
These could be things like:
Drink 2 more glasses of water every day
Walk the dog 10 mins extra each day
Exchange 11am biscuit for an apple
Wear colourful clothes
Always remove make up at night
Etc etc - whatever resonates with you.
7 - Now go through the list of options and select which options will deliver the results you want and appeal most to you, without being overwhelming. Don't try to do everything at once as you will set yourself up for failure. Pick out a few that you will focus on and incorporate these first.
8 - What are the "baby steps" within each of these options that you would need to do first in order to move forward.
In the examples above, it could be things like:
Buy bottled water or refill a bottle to take to work each day
Change route to walk the dog
Tidy out wardrobe
Leave cleanser beside toothbrush at night
9 - Prepare an action plan with specific "baby step" tasks and times/dates that these will be done.
10 - Do these actions, remembering why you are doing these and congratulating yourself along the way when you have achieved each small step - you are now moving closer to building your self confidence as you build evidence of your success.
Repeat as necessary, set goals, look at all the options you could do, select the ones that will take you there and appeal most, do the actions, congratulate yourself and move on to the next area.
There are loads of confidence boosters around, but the above is my basic foundations from all the experience I have drawn on over the last few years.
Lastly, if you need assistance, Life Coaches can help challenge you and help you to see your challenge from a fresh angle.
I am one of thousands who operate throughout the UK, either in person or by telephone.
There are various directories on the web which have lists of Life Coaches.
Divorce is a huge and life changing event, but you can get through it and go on to rebuild your self confidence and your life.
I guess you could write a review on this subject advising those who have been divorced on how to regain any lost confidence but having never been married I do not have any experience of that however I do know what it is like to be the child of divorcing parents and not only having your whole world turned upside down but also to lose all onfidence in both yourself and those adults around you on whome you thought you could rely.
Fortunately for me those feelings did not persist for long as my father found a wonderful woman who I now see as my mother rather than the person who walked out on us when I was younger.
For me regaining my confidence was not something that happened over night rather it was a gradual process of rebuilding trust in those people around me. Being prepared to open up and express my feelings was one of the most important steps and for that I have my grand mother to thanks who stepped in and really made a difference and provided some stability in my life.
Getting back to some sort of routine and normality was just as important, school was a great plce to be, being part of a crowd or group where petty thins became important rather than the events in my home life was alo key for me and made a huge amount of difference.
I hope my memories can be some small help to others even if they are a little hard to express at times.
I was clicking around dooyoo, as you do, and came across this section. Interested I had a look at who had posted reviews / information, and not that surpisingly found that only women had anything to say on this subject. Now that means one of two things. 1) Only women loose their confidence after divorce. Or 2) Men are too scared to discuss such issues openly. I unfortunately lean towards the latter, and feel quite sad for the men out there suffering in silence.
I'm now going through my second divorce, and was even less prepared the second time round than I was the first. To be fair the first time I went through divorce I was a lot younger (25), and bounced back relatively quickly. Also at that time I had a lot of support around me. Friends and family from all sides helped me through what was initially a rough period, but I soon climb back on the bike (so to speak) and was off again. Although I make light of it now, there were some very dark periods and extremely lonely times. At those times you are very vunerable, and whether male or female, you are easy prey to exploitation and emotional manipulation. I met women who I thought would be good for me, and found time and time again what a nasty place the world of singledum can be. Eventually however I met someone who became a friend rather than a partner, and she helped me build my confidence back.
The problem over all this time was. I thought I was confident. Jack-the-lad almost! What a fool I was. I took over a year from the initial break-up for me to realise what emotional state I was in, and how fragile I had become.
Anyway... I eventually met someone else, fell in love, had a family and eventually got married again. That all came to an end last year! I saw it coming, I'd seen it coming for nearly two years, but when it happened I was absolutely gutted. My wife had been having an affair, yet I was the one who suffered. I was the one left eventually jobless, penniless, homeless. I no longer saw my children every day, no longer got to read them bed-time stories. So hard did all this hit me that I spent a short time on residential care. I had to admit myself, I had truly reached rock-bottom. I'd done nothing wrong, apart from being a strong family man, not exciting enough. After all I was too busy to be exciting. Before the collapse of my marriage I'd worked 2 jobs, was renovating a house we'd just bought, trying to create the best environment and future I could for my family. Idiot?! Yes I was!
I learny a very hard lesson, and took a serious knock. This time no-one was there. My family now lived the other-side of the world, and I had few close friends I could turn to for help. Those that I had, had problems of their own and I didn't want to impose on them. So I ended up living in a flat, on my own for the first time in many years wondering what the hell had happened. Night after night I sat and cried, unable to control the emotions pouring out of me.
So how do you come back from all this? You focus on the future, even if that is only a day at a time at first. If there are children involved, you will always have them there, even if you do not see them all the time. You will always be their Mum / Dad, that can never be taken away from you, no matter what anyone says or what you may think at the time. Time does heal! Cliche maybe, but true all the same. The position you maybe in, is about as bad as it is going to get. There maybe days when you have a set-back, and feel miserable, but the good times do start to out-weigh the bad.
I quite simply kept going. Even at my lowest point, I knew that there was a life ahead of me somewhere out there. The fact that I no-longer knew what that was, was hard to deal with, but I knew that future would become clearer as time passed. Yes I made mistakes, yes getting myself back into work wasn't easy, my confidence was blown. But eventually someone put their faith in me, I got a job. That was a massive boost, I was someone again. From there I went forward. Buried myself into work, but not without having a balance with my social life. I worried less about things I'd worry daily about when I was married. I chilled out! As my attitude changed, my life changed.
Now?! Now I'm doing a job I've always wanted to do, helping to help others. The job satisfaction I get cannot be measured. I met someone else, who was in fact a friend on the fringes from when I was married, and we are very happy together. To tell the truth, I'm probably the happiest I have ever been. There is baggage, there always will be with having been through divorce. There are still times that suddenly you find yourself lacking in confidence. But instead of worrying about it, I understand why that feeling has risen its head, and deal with it, rationally.
The simple answer, the best tip. Stick with it! Stick with yourself, you are a worthwhile person. Even when those around you may tell you different, even when you are telling yourself that you are worthless. Don't give-up the fight. And remember above all. The fight is not with those around you. Not with your ex-partner, not with your children, friends, family. The only fight worth fighting is that fight with yourself, to prove to yourself that you are worth something.
Hope this has been of help.
Readers may or may not be aware of my situation. For those who don't, here's a brief (!) explanation. A few years ago, after over 20 years together, my husband, Nigel, decided that he was in love with his secretary Lyn. I was devastated. My world fell apart. I had married for life. I intended working at my marriage and not giving up - like all the rest. Trouble was, Nigel had made up his mind. Despite almost a year of counselling both personal and with Relate, we split up. I told him I would always love him and that I would not divorce him - he would have to wait to be free. For months after he had gone I was on a roller-coaster of emotions. Trying to come to terms with his rejection of me. Trying to accept that I would never love or be loved again - never feel a mans arms around me. I wanted to die - what was there to live for? The only thing that stopped me from taking my life was the fact my daughter was pregnant and she needed me. So I became obsessed with my computer and the internet. It became my friend. Despite much support from my real friends I found the 'net' didn't know me so I could be anyone I wanted to be - change my personality. I was introduced to chat rooms and dating sites - I struck up 'friendships' with a few men, one or two even telephoned me but I never really wanted to take it any further than that. My sister told me about Dooyoo and I signed up for it not realising just how much it would change my life. Following my return from a month in Australia in the summer of 2001 I began to become aware of a name cropping up in the comments boxes - not just mine but almost everyone's. ANDREWSJK seemed to be the most popular character on the site. Not only did he write great opinions but he took the time to read, rate and comment on almost everything. Anyway to cut what has already become a long introduction short - John Andrews and I fell in love - before we even met
- we are now living together and engaged to be married. Not wishing to bore any of you with all the lovey-dovey stuff that has gone before I will move on. Yesterday (20/02/02) my divorce date came through. Yes, suddenly I had the need to free myself from Nigel. By our 24th wedding anniversary on the 26th May we will no longer be married. And I did it!!! So to the tips on regaining confidence... 1. Never ever believe you won't be happy again. 2. Don't go looking for love - if it's meant to happen it will. 3. Keep your wits about you. I'm sure there are unscrupulous men out there preying on vulnerable women. 4. Use your friends for support - they will become closer - and you will discover who are the REAL friends amonst them. 5. Never, ever, think you are too old/fat/ugly/boring to be loved. It's rubbish - love just happens - whatever. 6. Do stuff just for YOU. Go on a shopping spree - go dancing - go for walks along the beach with the dog - stay in bed all day eating chocolates - enjoy your freedom. 7. Get flirty! Even if it's not normally in your nature you'll be suprised how much fun you have. 8. Every morning when you wake up tell youself "I am wonderful" (sounds crazy but it will boost your confidence). 9. Book a holiday - preferably alone. I had a month in Australia - wiped out all my savings but it helped me 'find' myself. 10. SMILE!!! ;o)) You are on the road to a new exciting life - enjoy it. AND FINALLY... I don't know that everyone will find the happiness that John and I have with each other. I believe in fate - what will be will be. But I do know that life deals us good as well as bad - there must be a balance - so if you've had a bad run of luck, cheer up - the sun will be shining soon. Love and happiness to everyone Heather XXX <
br> PS. If anyone is in a state of despair at the moment please feel free to email me - I'll be happy to listen.
I will begin this opinion by saying that my experiences of divorce are not anywhere near as bad as some of the ones that I have read here, mainly because there were no children involved. That said, I did find divorce traumatic and I decided to write my opinion on the subject to try and offer some help to others in the same situation. I’ve been married twice and divorced twice so I’m probably as qualified as any to give my opinion on this subject. I got married when I was 23 years old to a man who was a sports fanatic. He was a keen Walsall FC supporter and he also ran both the local football league and two football teams, one in the Saturday League and one in the Sunday League. I had always been a keen football fan myself so I joined in and helped with administration, kit washing, function organising etc. We were married for about three years and during that time we drifted apart to such an extent that I couldn’t take it any longer and decided that I wanted a divorce. I was never my husband’s first priority in any situation; the football always came first. Even when there was water pouring out the cistern and down the wall of the house he told me to turn it off at the mains, as he had to go to the match. Just in case you’re wondering I changed the washer in the cistern myself with help via the telephone from my dad! I should have known what it would be like when he asked me to marry him and said that we could only get married providing we did so outside the football season! During the time that the problems were building up I tried everything that I could think of to rescue the relationship. I tried talking to my husband, changing the way I went about things, arranging for us to spend more time together etc. but nothing helped. He always said that he was OK so it must be me that had the problem so it was up to me to sort it out. This did mean that, when I finally walked out, that I
could look back and say that I had tried everything in my power to make the marriage work. I never wanted to find myself in the position of saying – ‘I wonder if I’d……..’ And this is the main piece of advice that I would give anyone considering divorce. Be as sure as you possibly can that you won’t look back later and regret it. Anyway I finally moved out and initially went to live back at home with my parents and sister whilst I found myself a house to buy. I felt relieved that I had taken the step to move on from a situation, which was making me very unhappy, but it was still a difficult time for me. Although we both knew that there was no future for our relationship I felt guilty, as I was the one who had actually moved out, and my husband was very unhappy as he had always said that the marriage was OK for him. I ended up making sure that my husband got the larger share of the money, belongings etc., a fact which I subsequently regretted when I had to start again in my new home on my own. After a few years and other relationships I met my second husband at a badminton class run by the council for whom we both worked. I married him when I was 30 years old and I admit that I married more for security than anything else. We got on well as friends and we both thought that we could have a good life together. A few months before the wedding I began to feel uneasy and asked if I could have more time to make absolutely sure that this was what I really wanted but he said, ‘no’ and railroaded me into the wedding preparations. I suppose I thought that I was just having last minute nerves due to my previous divorce and I allowed myself to be pressured into the marriage. I realise now that I should have stood up to him and made him wait until I was ready, but I have never had much self esteem and I thought that, if he was that sure himself, it must be OK. Yes, I know I was stu
pid – tell me about it!! For three years I put up with varying degrees of mental cruelty from being expected to do all the work at home even though we both worked full time, to being constantly shouted at for the slightest thing. I had to do the ironing while he was out playing snooker with his friend at his club, as he didn’t like to see me working. He felt guilty about me working while he read the paper, not guilty enough to help, just guilty enough to make me do it while he was out! And I was daft enough to do it! Looking back I can hardly believe it. He was the sort of man who wanted everything to go his way and when it didn’t he would throw the most amazing tantrums just like a naughty child. He would shout at me in public for things such as the fact that it was raining or that we were in a traffic jam – things that I had to take the blame for even though I had no control over them. As things got really bad I tried to talk to him about the problems. One problem was that there was no physical closeness in the relationship at all – not even many hugs and kisses. We used to sit on separate chairs every evening to watch TV. During one of our discussions on how to make things better he offered to sit next to me for an hour each evening to see if that helped. Now there’s an idea for a relationship counsellor! I had visions of him setting the kitchen timer so that he would know when my hour was up! Again I tried everything in my power to put things right, but to no avail. He didn’t really see what the problem was. He used to say – ‘We’ve got a nice house and a new car what more do you want?’ He couldn’t see that I wanted to be loved. He always said that money was the most important thing in the world and that anyone who disagreed with that fact was lying. That makes me a liar then! I thought that I could not admit to anyone that this relations
hip was on the rocks as I had already been divorced once and here I was remarried, in a four bedroom detached house with a brand new car and a comfortable lifestyle, wanting to get out again! I thought that everyone would think that I was mad and wonder why I wanted to leave what was perceived to be a good lifestyle – at least he didn’t hit me or go with other women. I eventually broke down and poured the whole story out to a friend who encouraged me to talk to my parents, which I did. Everyone was very supportive once they realised what I had been going through and I was so very grateful for that support. I don’t think that anyone will ever know just how much that meant to me. He was a very selfish man and consequently sorting out of all the belongings as part of the divorce was hell! It didn’t help that he was controlled by his domineering mother who kept telling him what to say to me. We would sort something out and agree on it, then he would visit his mother and come back having changed his mind to what she wanted! He even came home one day and told me which of the things his mother wanted from our house! She had never thought that I was good enough for her precious son. In a way it was a good thing as I could really dislike them both and this in turn made me stronger to deal with the break up. This time I did make sure I got my fair share even though his mother did everything in her power to see that I got as little as possible. As I said earlier the support of friends was particularly important this time as the trauma of the marriage was so great that I need to exorcise the pain by talking about it. I must have told some people the same stories over and over again but they still listened and helped me to maintain my sanity. For this I am humbly and eternally grateful. I always thought that I was a failure because of the fact that I have been married and divorced twice, until one day a friend
at work told me that I was a success. I asked how this could be and she told me that the failures were the women who stayed in destructive relationships because they were too afraid to do anything about them and that I was a success because I had been brave enough to admit that I was wrong. That is a thought worth hanging on to believe me.
No one could have ever of told me that I was worth less than I had believed myself to be. That I was not intelligent, funny, witty, caring, honest, and slightly on the cute side with a wicked sense of humour. That I could not do what I had put in front of myself to do. That I could not make and keep friends and make whatever guy I chose fall madly in love with me. But everything can change when you fall in love and marry, can't it? It is incredible how your worth can vary by one person's perception of you. How you can be swept up in the joys and passions of new, fresh love. How flattery and attention can create such a hold on you. How nothing can seem to matter more than what that one person thinks and feels about you. And if that person does not have an honest and constant nature, it can rip you apart. Dear reader, if you have already read my other opinions on divorce and children I will not go into horrid details again. If you have not, let me just try to briefly summarize for you: I had fallen in love with the wrong man. He was at first attentive and loving and wanted nothing more than to make and keep me happy at any cost-so it seemed. At first. His true nature eventually escaped his control and he turned out to be bitter, abusive, and demanding. Nothing that I could do was right, and it was never enough for him. Never mind that I was better educated than him and earning far more than he; that I used to have friends that circled the globe before he had me cut off communication with them; and that everyone that met me adored me. I was not enough. I felt like a poor man's nothing. Everything inside me had died-my hope, my aspirations,my self worth,my love-at least that is what I had thought. So in the course of the tumultuous divorce and ensuing chaos of trying to rebuild a home and semblance of a normal life for my child-I forgot to do the same for myself. I hadn't noticed that I had gone missing. I
was a pillar of strength to all who saw me on the outside. Of course I was; that is what was required to make my son feel secure and safe. On the inside I was cast adrift on a torrent sea, almost near the shore. I could see the waves crashing upon the rocks that signified my ruin. All I had to hang on to was the will to survive-and that was dwindling by the minute. I had no peace inside me. How could I? When the one who I had set all my worth on had cast me aside so effortlessly? That told me I was worth less than anything in the world. But I would shake it off, for I had no other choice but to do so. I had to at the time dear friend, for you see I had a little boy toddling about who needed to be reassured more than I needed to be saved from my emotional and mental prison. He needed love and care more than I felt I needed sanity. I would quiet the voices, hush the sobs, and carry on. But you can only ignore yourself for so long. There comes a time, and I can not say when it was, or when it will be for you, when you have to take accountability for all that has transpired. Good or bad, right or wrong, you have to go through whatever you are carrying inside you and deal with it. Then anger, resentment, hatred and sorrow. I never wanted to go back to him-well, after we had been separated a month, I knew I didn't want him back. There was only one way to go, and I knew as hard as it was to think of it, I didn't think. I just did it. I had to stop thinking of myself as his this-or-that. His wife, his best friend, his love. I had to stop thinking of my value according to his estimation of it. I could not be the person I was before, nor could I be the person I was when I was with him. I had a new identity and a fresh chance to discover who I was. And I determined that my self confidence is based on my self worth. Not what others believe me to be or how they perceive me. I do not need someone coddling me and stroking me to make me feel love
d, needed and special. I know I am. I have chosen to be without a serious relationship for two years now. Why do you ask? Am I grossly hideous or bitter and angry? None of the above, dear reader, I assure you. I just am enjoying discovering myself now. My likes and dislikes, my passions and convictions. What really matters to me and no one else. My identity is a precious commodity to me now and I will not allow myself to get dragged in and dragged down again. I am not saying I have not found men that I fancy. Quite the contrary, I have met with two-whom I still have great respect and admiration for. One, is my best friend who has helped me and supported me through all that I have gone through. He has been there to listen and love me in spite of all my rantings and short comings. I love him more than I will ever be able to express in words and trust him implicitly. There is nothing I would not do for him and I am assured he feels the same about me. He is the better side of me and has shown me how to love without fear and without barriers. He is the most wonderful man I have ever known and he will be a part of me forever.The other, almost a perfect stranger to me than can speak to my heart like no other can and helps me see shortcomings in myself-whether I like to or not. He has cracked the wall I built around myself chalk full of deceptive anecdotes and superficial behaviours and has, I felt, found my new heart....Which I quite don't understand at this time. But in time I hope to come to understand it, and find a love like I feel for him, in someone real and tangible that can take me as I am, not try to change me, and love me. Not a love that flatters or boasts, but a love that is constant and endures. So I close. Do what is best for you. Take the time to get to know yourself as you are now. Take the chance and reach out for someone to talk to. Someone to help you through. A confidante who will not sway you into becoming something els
e. Be strong for yourself. Pamper yourself. Read a book. Write...as I do now. We do not know the power we have to affect a life if we never take the chance to do it. If we never take the time to care. Good luck, kind reader. Be good to yourself and look at the world with joy and wonder and not hatred and disdain. You are the only one who can change your life.