It happens to men to you know. (Tips on regaining your confidence after divorce)

Member Name: theblackstar

Product:	Tips on regaining your confidence after divorce
Date:	27/10/04 (156 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: If it don't kill ya, it makes ya stronger.

Disadvantages: It bloody hurts!

I was clicking around dooyoo, as you do, and came across this section. Interested I had a look at who had posted reviews / information, and not that surpisingly found that only women had anything to say on this subject. Now that means one of two things. 1) Only women loose their confidence after divorce. Or 2) Men are too scared to discuss such issues openly. I unfortunately lean towards the latter, and feel quite sad for the men out there suffering in silence.

I'm now going through my second divorce, and was even less prepared the second time round than I was the first. To be fair the first time I went through divorce I was a lot younger (25), and bounced back relatively quickly. Also at that time I had a lot of support around me. Friends and family from all sides helped me through what was initially a rough period, but I soon climb back on the bike (so to speak) and was off again. Although I make light of it now, there were some very dark periods and extremely lonely times. At those times you are very vunerable, and whether male or female, you are easy prey to exploitation and emotional manipulation. I met women who I thought would be good for me, and found time and time again what a nasty place the world of singledum can be. Eventually however I met someone who became a friend rather than a partner, and she helped me build my confidence back.

The problem over all this time was. I thought I was confident. Jack-the-lad almost! What a fool I was. I took over a year from the initial break-up for me to realise what emotional state I was in, and how fragile I had become.

Anyway... I eventually met someone else, fell in love, had a family and eventually got married again. That all came to an end last year! I saw it coming, I'd seen it coming for nearly two years, but when it happened I was absolutely gutted. My wife had been having an affair, yet I was the one who suffered. I was the one left eventually jobless, penniless, homeless. I no longer saw my children every day, no longer got to read them bed-time stories. So hard did all this hit me that I spent a short time on residential care. I had to admit myself, I had truly reached rock-bottom. I'd done nothing wrong, apart from being a strong family man, not exciting enough. After all I was too busy to be exciting. Before the collapse of my marriage I'd worked 2 jobs, was renovating a house we'd just bought, trying to create the best environment and future I could for my family. Idiot?! Yes I was!

I learny a very hard lesson, and took a serious knock. This time no-one was there. My family now lived the other-side of the world, and I had few close friends I could turn to for help. Those that I had, had problems of their own and I didn't want to impose on them. So I ended up living in a flat, on my own for the first time in many years wondering what the hell had happened. Night after night I sat and cried, unable to control the emotions pouring out of me.

So how do you come back from all this? You focus on the future, even if that is only a day at a time at first. If there are children involved, you will always have them there, even if you do not see them all the time. You will always be their Mum / Dad, that can never be taken away from you, no matter what anyone says or what you may think at the time. Time does heal! Cliche maybe, but true all the same. The position you maybe in, is about as bad as it is going to get. There maybe days when you have a set-back, and feel miserable, but the good times do start to out-weigh the bad.

I quite simply kept going. Even at my lowest point, I knew that there was a life ahead of me somewhere out there. The fact that I no-longer knew what that was, was hard to deal with, but I knew that future would become clearer as time passed. Yes I made mistakes, yes getting myself back into work wasn't easy, my confidence was blown. But eventually someone put their faith in me, I got a job. That was a massive boost, I was someone again. From there I went forward. Buried myself into work, but not without having a balance with my social life. I worried less about things I'd worry daily about when I was married. I chilled out! As my attitude changed, my life changed.

Now?! Now I'm doing a job I've always wanted to do, helping to help others. The job satisfaction I get cannot be measured. I met someone else, who was in fact a friend on the fringes from when I was married, and we are very happy together. To tell the truth, I'm probably the happiest I have ever been. There is baggage, there always will be with having been through divorce. There are still times that suddenly you find yourself lacking in confidence. But instead of worrying about it, I understand why that feeling has risen its head, and deal with it, rationally.

The simple answer, the best tip. Stick with it! Stick with yourself, you are a worthwhile person. Even when those around you may tell you different, even when you are telling yourself that you are worthless. Don't give-up the fight. And remember above all. The fight is not with those around you. Not with your ex-partner, not with your children, friends, family. The only fight worth fighting is that fight with yourself, to prove to yourself that you are worth something.

Hope this has been of help.

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