Home or away? (Working Mums vs. Stay at Home Mums)

Member Name: emmachilcott

Product:	Working Mums vs. Stay at Home Mums
Date:	12/06/09 (200 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: You never miss any precious moments

Disadvantages: Can get tough financially, and can be a bit lonely

Different strokes for different folks, and this applies especially to this subject. I am going to give you an honest view of my experience, and I hope that I can help anyone who finds themselves faced with the dilemma: to stay, or not to stay? I have noticed in earlier reviews that some people view this as a controversial subject, but all I can say is each to their own, and nobody should ever be judged on their parenting choices, especially as quite often, circumstances can cause the decision to be beyond their control.

*My story*

I was eighteen when I became pregnant with my first son, and although on the outside I prepared myself for motherhood well, on the inside I was absolutely petrified. Even though I was going to be a teenage Mum, my circumstances were somewhat different to average. I had been with my boyfriend (now husband) for two years, and he was 21. I had just left college, and had a steady job. I had attended a public school, but decided not to go to university as I was aware that I was in a very stable relationship and did not want to leave the area (I was right on that one!). My partner had a steady job, that we were confident was going to provide opportunity for promotion in the future.


We bought our first house two months before I became pregnant, which was an absolute wreck and needed a lot of renovation. The visiting midwife must have wondered what we thought we were playing at, but I am happy to report now that even though sometimes things got a bit rough, everything has turned out well.


I gave up work as an admin assistant a month before the birth, and I knew that I would not return after my maternity leave was over. Because we were young, all of our parents were still working, so couldn't offer any childcare. I am quite glad of this, looking back, because I don't think that I would have been happy with Grandparents having to discipline. I could not earn enough to justify nursery costs, and besides which, I didn't want to leave my baby with strangers for a single second, so the only option was for me to be at home. Staying at home was not a conscious decision on my part, it was simply necessary. We knew that financially things were going to be a struggle, but I really felt as though we had no choice, so in our belts went!


At the time, I thought that I was coping well, and I felt as though I had something to prove because I was so young. The baby was in a routine and he slept and fed well, the house was always tidy, meals were always on the table ready for when my husband got home, everything was ship shape - on the outside. Inside I was desperately lonely - all of my friends were away at university, and couldn't wait for my husband to get home from work, and when he did, I felt almost resentful that he had been out all day, and we soon started to bicker - I hasten to add that we didn't have massive arguments, just little niggles. Looking back, I can now see that I was depressed, but I was so determined to make things work out, that I just soldiered on. Cue baby number two.


I knew that I didn't want a huge age gap, so I got on and had a second son. I had two years at home with both of them full time, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and things really started to turn around - two are definitely much easier than one in my opinion, and I began to relax and enjoy being a Mum. They got on really well together (still do!) and I took them to the park, and toddler groups and I have made some truly close friends from this, which I really do believe, saved me from myself. If I had been working, I would have missed out on this, along with all of the first moments that are so precious. My husband was now the grumpy one because he felt that he was missing out, and was envious that I got to spend so much time with them.


My eldest started playgroup and then two years later and I had one at school and one at playgroup. I considered getting a part time job, but because I had been out of the workforce for so long I had very little confidence in my abilities, and everything was fine financially so I had a bit of "me" time for a few mornings a week. By the time that my youngest started school, I was ready to go back to work, and I was lucky to have a friend who offered me two days a week in her shop which suited me perfectly, but after a year, she had to move away, and so I took on the role of manager, giving me a full time job.


Things quickly began to give at home, and I felt as though I was never spending any quality time with my children. They were spending more time at friends houses through necessity, and when I did pick them up, I still had to take care of the house, meals, washing, homework....you know how it is! After a year of this I was absolutely shattered, and I was starting to get a bit ratty. I was secretly glad when my friend decided to sell the shop, and I was made redundant, which brings me up to the present, eldest now 10, youngest: 7.


Because we have learned to live on my husband's money, anything that I made became pocket money, and not relied upon. I know that I am really lucky to be in this position, but we have made a lot of sacrifices along the way. Now that I am at home again, I love it, and I think that it took me going back to work, for me to realise how lucky I had been in the beginning, I simply had not appreciated it fully. I now look forward to the school holidays, rather than dread them as I had done whilst I was working. I feel happy, and my children are a lot happier. I will go back to work again, because unfortunately, I will not be needed to be at home forever, but I will wait until the time is perfect for all of us.


I had my first son ten years ago, so I feel that I have had a lot time to reflect on the decisions that I have made. Even though it was tough at the time, I am grateful and feel lucky that I was able to be with my sons entirely through their first years.


If I could give any advice to a new Mum, it would be this: After you have made your choice, whatever it is, if you don't feel that it is working out, don't be too proud, and do whatever you have to do to make you all happy. No regrets, you only get one shot at life!

Summary: You must be entirely happy with your decision