No One's Decision But Yours! (Working Mums vs. Stay at Home Mums)

Member Name: Machair1

Product:	Working Mums vs. Stay at Home Mums
Date:	07/09/09 (151 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Wider horizons for mum and financial independence in working.

Disadvantages: Women can feel trapped at home.

Staying at home or going to work as mums-this is probably one of the most difficult decisions many of us have to make, and there are no right answers. I want to talk about this from the perspective of a mum who has brought up two sons and two daughters, the youngest of whom is now 17.

In the 1950's this was never really the massive issue it has become today. Women in many cases just expected to be at home raising children, and of course caring for the home. The choices for child care were limited, and for many it was a dream to become a mum and a housewife. I remember vividly being a bridesmaid for my cousin when he married in the early 70s. His wife was thrilled by the thought of a future caring for a home and a family, she had been buying groceries weekly and storing them under her bed. I'll never forget her excitement when she pulled out a packet of Daz and showed me how it nestled with her other collection of items under her bed.

It really had an impact on me because I wanted an education and a career, and to be honest a packet of Daz really didn't press any of my buttons with a whole world out there to explore.

Against this, however, for me was a lonely childhood raised as an only one. My mum worked in casual jobs, and was constantly frazzled by them, and my dad was always at work, long hours too, but I did witness the birth of the consumer era in our house.

My grandmother broke her leg in her 60s and moved in with us, so she was my constant companion throughout my childhood, as my mum worked to help supply an ever increasing need for money, which I could see was funding those things which were becoming the norm. Freezers, colour televisions, package holidays all began in my childhood. Home cooked food moved over to some of the delights of freezer retailer "Iceland" and it's gradually expanding ranges of prepared meals, whilst tartan clad air hostesses welcomed new travellers on British Caledonian Airlines to deserted Portuguese beaches. I went there before some of the developed resorts were nothing more than pin pricks on an empty map.

Now this is in no way critical of my family, but it was a changing lifestyle creeping up on so many. One income was not enough to provide these things anymore, and so the dawn of the dilemma began. Along side this, of course, was in women a feeling of discontentment at being the one on whom everything fell on a daily basis. Women wanted something for themselves, and an identity in the community and so did I.

Trouble was though my grannie was my rock, and she was always there sitting in her armchair ready for a chat or a game of cards with me, or making apple dumplings, or picking blackcurrants from our garden, when mum was too busy at work to do it.

So when I left school my head was filled with dreams and aspirations, but I was also deeply in love and aware that I wanted a large family. I also saw the benefits of having my gran there for me, and the closeness that had built between us. I knew it was to be a giant compromise and I soon realised it wasn't going to be easy.

I trained as a nurse and worked for a few years in some very responsible positions including managing a ward at night on take from casualty, but the pay was dreadful, and my husband had the earning capability far in excess of mine. However we were very frugal in our ways, and were good at making do, being together, and just managing on whatever we could to make ends meet.

When my son was born my life changed, and I was absolutely consumed with love for him, which I will never forget. I remember looking at him in his cot 25 years ago and thinking how lucky I was, and somehow at that point nothing else mattered.

I had 3 more children in close succession, and soon had 4 under 8. I didn't go back to work in nursing at this time, because it was a complete handful, and as my husband was often away and worked very long hours, I was literally rushed off my feet all day long with 4 little lives to care for. We didn't buy much, only necessities, and we managed.

I was in many ways fulfilled, but in other ways I was extremely trapped. I remember on wet days in the school holidays looking out and thinking "what am I doing?" Lego was strewn all over the floor; I would have no real opportunity to go to many places as 4 simply out numbered me to the extent that it was bordering on dangerous. My parents were by this stage globe trotters, and had no interest in playing grannie and granddad on a daily basis either. These years were agony and ecstasy, and certainly not a bed of roses. We managed financially with very little, but we were unusual at the time, and could see others were struggling to accept this limitation on their lives, and gradually I saw my friends returning to work, and relying on child care and grannies to help out.

I feel that there was a 50/50 situation here. It is not all roses by many means to stay at home day after day, but you can make the best of it, and sometimes I would look at my children and feel very privileged to be allowed to share in their lives in their infancy. Other days I would yearn for that work day with responsibility-would I take this patient? Was that person going to surgery, etc?

One thing which really stuck in my mind at this stage of life though was how easy it is to confuse staying at home and childcare with "housework"- these are in my mind very different indeed, and so often I feel it is what leads to misery and discontentment. Being a cleaner is not the same as caring for children, and so often it is lumped in together, women feel they have to take on both jobs if they are at home. I think these aspects should be shared. It is absolutely soul destroying to be indoors hoovering day after day, and polishing, and so on, with beautifully cooked meals on the table at set times, with no help. Especially so if you are crowded out by toddlers under your feet and have been up all night.


The biggest problem with the issue of staying at home apart from financial and personal satisfaction and fulfilment is guilt. I think it is a massive emotion and one which can rule your life if you let it. I think it is absolutely vital to sit down long before a pregnancy to talk about what you want out of your own life as a minimum. You have to also bear in mind it isn't the 50s and aspirations have changed. Some items like computers are no longer luxuries, and are mandatory for education in the home, but they have to be afforded. If you are someone who can't be happy without a certain hobby or interest, or a certain level of spending, you have to voice it, because if parents are unfulfilled in themselves resentment builds up. A budget is absolutely vital for new baby arrivals, and it is possible by using many channels open to parents to really prune down expenditure in the first few years, such as purchasing second-hand items and so on.

Then you have to look inside yourself and ask the question how fulfilled will you be if you are not allowed to work outside the home at all? Also be prepared to reassess it. We used to sit down regularly and talk about whether it was something we wanted to keep doing or not.

Every person is so different. I think children will be their happiest if parents do what they feel happiest in, and if money needs dictate, or if a mum feels she wants to keep working to avoid a career break it is vital that she does this for her own well being.

When I was at home many years ago I saw a "Relate" program made by the charity that helps relationships. It was all about about how relationships flourish and how they die. It was fascinating. They had figures (like little people) to represent a triangle with yourself a the top, like the summit of a mountain looking down on all around you.They said this represented the importance of being true to yourself foremost, so in this case you have to take yourself off somewhere to think carefully about what will make you happy after childbirth, and what you most picture for yourself.

Next they showed two figures next to each other. If you have a partner this level is for you both to try to see a compromise in the situation, and to spend a lot of time airing your thoughts on motherhood and fatherhood too, and to work out a compromise for staying at home or not. Then the next layers were the children because it was assumed their happiness was dependant on the happiness of the layers above.

What really struck me about this were the layers towards the lower slopes of the triangle or mountain. These were extended family and friends and finally acquaintances. I think in this case it is vital to see that the feelings of others, and the advice they dish out, is not to ever be put in front of, or aloud to cloud your judgement. How many times have well meaning relatives or friends, and more often virtual nosy parker strangers, doled out or criticised your personal decisions? These decisions are personal and for you to make only, and by doing this you are being a fantastic mum whether you choose to work or not.

I have two daughters and am in no doubt that one, a vet, will have no career break if she decides to become a mum, as her life trundling around the hills in a 4 by 4 calving and attending to sheep will not be something she will want to give up. My other daughter may well be an earth mother with many little offspring, and her decision will be one which she will have a great dilemma over. I know this, as she is into saving the planet and conservation, and has a love which will be equal, both for the stay at home concept, and for the pull of something like the Antarctic Survey. Whatever they decide if they choose to be mothers will be their decision and theirs only.

Life in the 50's and earlier was simple and some would say incredibly boring and labour intensive. Today we all have many choices, but for some the choices are less available because women have to work now to pay the bills.

I think there is also a dilemma which comes later on as the children grow up. Teenagers and university students are very expensive, and it becomes a greater demand on one income as these stages unfold. You have to be prepared to reassess happiness and need, and financial well being, regularly long after the baby days are behind you.

One thing I'll never forget though was my gran because she was my rock and she really took the place of my mum all through my childhood and was someone I respected and adored. She was from the era before ours when a carpet lasted a lifetime, and when a game of cards was as important as a £7 cinema trip. You have to be current though when you think about these issues, because whilst childhood flourishes with attention and simplicity, adulthood is a lot more complicated than this.

I remember one day may years ago throwing a basket of ironing onto the lawn in frustration, it was something my children find amusing now they are grown up, but I guess it shows that staying at home is less than perfect sometimes. Conversely I remember when my youngest son started school, going back to work, and feeling absolutely bereft without him. I had to work a day when he was off school, and I was mortified and frazzled trying to run round in circles organising child care for him.

No the decision is never easy, but you have to make it for yourself, it's yours alone, and you have to ditch the guilt, if you can, because it is no one else's business but yours!

This review will also be published on Ciao under my user name there Violet1278.

Summary: A very difficult decision which should be respected by others.