The Hardest Opinion To Write. (Young Offenders - What Should The Law Do With Them?)

Member Name: karenuk

Product:	Young Offenders - What Should The Law Do With Them?
Date:	14/11/02 (256 review reads)
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(I know this opinion is slightly off-topic, but I have already written about bullying and thought this was the closest category I could find.)

I hadn’t been planning to write this opinion, but after reading AmandaJean’s one over on Ciao about bullying, I felt I had something to say that might be of use to people. Plus I hate being dishonest, I hate hiding things from my friends. I have just 'come out' on Ciao as being bisexual, so you can tell I want to be honest. Well, here’s another revelation.

(The opinion will probably end up being a long one, but you need to know everything to be able to form a coherent view of the situation.)

In January, I became a dinner lady at my children’s school. I loved the job and was good at it and well respected by most of the kids. Part of my job was to deal with bullying and on several occasions, I had cause to report a Year 6 boy (We’ll call him ‘R’) to the teachers for his behaviour.

He was known for being a troublemaker and was regularly suspended for the odd day here and there. One incident I reported led to another suspension and the headmistress told me his mother (a rather intimidating woman) had reacted by telling her that he would get “a damn good beating” as punishment. The headmistress and I agreed this was the wrong way to handle it, but apparently R’s mother was well known for being rather generous in the punishment stakes.

After this suspension, R returned to school and began a campaign to systematically bully my family and to get me sacked from my job. He told me this, but of course, you don’t think a ten or eleven year old boy could do much damage. I was wrong.

Over a period of some five weeks or so, R made our lives hell. Here are just a few of the things he did at school –

 He beat up my daughter (then just turned nine and very small for her age) along with another t
wo Year 6 boys. They kicked her, pushed her to the ground and beat her up until a Year 5 boy pulled her clear and brought her to me. She was visibly shaking and was too scared to go back to class.

 My 10-year-old son is quite a ‘hard’ kid himself and not generally bullied. But R managed it. One incident involved R and his mates beating him up, so that Allie (my best friend and fellow dinner lady) and I found him on the playground, crying, in the foetal position, protecting his head from the kicks and punches.

 My daughter (then 11) is an ideal pupil at school, good as gold and very sensible. R got together a gang of about ten Year 6 boys and they followed her round the playground taunting her. They called me names and told her she was a ‘slag’. She is mixed race, so they then called her a ‘Paki whore’. She just broke down and cried.

 R also threatened Allie and I, saying he “knew where we lived”. He would regularly call us names, make ‘jokes’ about our appearance and get his friends to join in.

It wasn’t just in school though (and believe me, those incidents detailed above were just the tip of the iceberg.) but also outside. My nine-year-old daughter was coming back from Art Club one Saturday with another of my friends and her daughter. Two boys (friends of R) threatened her in the street.

One INSET day, Allie and her daughter, my four kids and me went to the park to have a picnic. It was well known we were going, because we’d often organise a big picnic to get all their friends together. This time, R turned up with about ten of his friends. Once again, the abuse started and we felt forced to leave the park – Allie in tears and the kids very upset and disappointed.

So this carried on, with at least one incident every day for five weeks. I wrote witness statements, as did my children and each one was handed in to
the headmistress. He had a day’s suspension for beating up my nine-year-old, but otherwise nothing was done. The headmistress said R had to stay in school for the Year 6 SATs, but it would be dealt with properly afterwards.

SATs came and went. R was still there. Nothing had changed.

Then one day at work, R and his gang locked me into a classroom. It was quite a frightening experience. Eventually they let me out, then R and his lot blockaded the corridor so I couldn’t get past. I asked them to move politely to no avail, so I put my arms in the middle of the blockade and pushed them aside to get through. I went straight to a teacher.

What happened? R said I had pushed him (which I hadn’t). I was asked to stay off work while it was being investigated. R went back to school the next day as normal.

The investigation proved I hadn’t pushed him, witnesses were found who backed up my statements. I went back to work, but was asked to work in the infant end of the school, away from the juniors, until the situation calmed down.

The situation wasn’t improving, my kids were still getting bullied and R was still continuing to do what the hell he wanted. I was due to return to the juniors, but the headmistress said she wasn’t sure. I felt I was being wronged, that I wasn’t being trusted when all I had done was to do my job to the best of my ability.

I had worked at the school on a voluntary basis for almost four years. I had gone on almost all the school trips as a parent helper, I helped a teacher run the athletics award scheme every year, I helped out at sports day, I had worked with seven different teachers and went in at least three days a week. I helped start up the school website, I worked on the school magazine, I was always the first port of call if anyone needed extra help.

I felt extremely let down and (to coin a phrase) ‘shat upon from a great height’.
Being asked to stay with the infants was the final straw really. I resigned.

Never being one to do anything by halves, I also took my kids out of school. There was no way I was going to let my kids be bullied day in, day out, by a little thug like R.

I was extremely upset, I loved the job and didn’t want to leave. I knew almost all the kids in the school and had lots who thought I was great. I was in tears, but knew I had to go round the school telling each of my four children to get their stuff together, as we were leaving school for good.

I went into the nearest classroom, where I was expecting my son to be. But it was Literacy, so he was in the next room and my eldest daughter was in this one. I walked in and told her to pack her stuff, we were leaving. She started crying and her friends were looking shocked and sad. It was breaking my heart knowing she was so upset, but I didn’t know what else to do. I just wanted to protect my kids.

As I left the classroom, I passed R. I didn’t even know he was in there. But he looked up at me and grinned. He looked so triumphal and pleased with himself, it made me really angry. I grabbed his fringe and pulled it, yelling it was all his fault and I hoped he was happy.

I left the room, got my other kids and left the school, leaving lots of tearful children and a headmistress reminding me that I had quit and she would be happy for me to reconsider.

I went round Allie’s and broke down. I was shaking and crying. The kids were crying and a bit lost as to what the hell was going on. Good old Allie got me a cup of tea and switched me into practical mode, so I was soon ringing round other schools in the area. They weren’t helpful at all. Nowhere had any places until September.

To cut a long story short, I homeschooled them for six weeks – an 11 year old daughter, a 10 year old son with ADHD, a 9 year old daughter and a 6 year old daughter
with Oppositional Defiance Disorder. It was extremely hard work and those twelve weeks (before they started school again in September) were so so long.

Anyway, back to the crux of this opinion. R’s mother called the police and they conducted enquiries at school. A few days later, I was asked to go to the police station – not arrested – and invited in for questioning.

I had never been to a police station before. I was terrified. I was shaking, feeling sick and in quite a state. The policeman said I was there in conjunction with a charge of common assault. He was very stern at first and read through some things. It turned out they had been told I grabbed R’s head and banged it down on the desk several times! I mean, if I had done that, wouldn’t the teacher (who was standing about four feet from R’s desk) have come over and intervened?

Anyway, once they heard my side of things and the torment R had put my family through, the police were very understanding and much softer in their approach. The staff at the school had given me an excellent character reference and had confirmed I had never done anything in the past.

I had to wait a long time to know what was going to happen. The policeman said he would recommend I was let off with a caution (the least they could do) but it could lead to a court appearance and possibly even worse. I had months of not knowing, of dreading every phonecall, every knock at the door.

Then I had a letter and subsequent visit from a social worker! The theory was that if I could ‘hit’ a boy in front of a class of thirty people, what would I be doing to my own kids? It seemed ironic that it was R’s mother who openly boasted of ‘beating’ her son, yet I was the one being investigated.

She spent about an hour here interviewing all of us and went away very happy, reassuring us that all was well. The report written by the social wor
ker included these statements : “My observation of the children was that they were lively, sociable children who had an open, warm relationship with each other and their parents.” “Karen and Nik present as capable, competent parents who understand and are responsive to the children.” “There is no evidence to suggest that this is a family in need.” “…there is no indication from the assessment that <names of children> are at risk in any way…” “I see no direct role for S.S.D. <Social Services> with Karen, Nik or their family. No previous concerns have been raised by agencies in respect of any of the children and my observation was of a relaxed, comfortable family.”

Some weeks after this, I had to go back to the police station to be formally cautioned. I had to have my fingerprints taken, DNA swabs taken from my cheeks and various forms filled in about my appearance, accent, tattoo and so on. This policeman was lovely throughout and very kind, so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but it is still something I would have preferred not to have been through.

The nightmare just went on and on. The incident happened in May and I think my final police station visit was in September. During this time, I also moved house and got married, adding more stress and pressure on top of everything else.

I was unable to go out for a few weeks directly after the incident. I thought people would stare, say things, call me names and maybe even attack me. R’s mother had already blackened my name around school and threatened me. (The police took this seriously and gave me a name to contact if she ever touched me.)

I sent the kids out to the shops to get milk or whatever. I couldn’t face anything and withdrew into myself. I was homeschooling my kids though and took this very seriously, researching on the Internet, printing out worksheets and writing my own,
tailored to their individual needs.

At the end of term, the headmistress of the school was sacked. R left (being Year 6) and the school was put on ‘special measures’ with a trouble-shooting headmaster being sent in to sort out the school’s problems. Because of this and as my kids were missing their friends, I sent the three younger ones back in September and they are all doing well. We had parents’ evening on Tuesday and they all got glowing reports. The Deputy Head asked if I could help on a school trip this Friday, but I said no. I will never help the school again.

My eldest daughter is at High School with R. This school is bigger, better and stricter. I have confidence they will deal with any bullying much more efficiently, but hopefully it won’t come to that. My daughter has had to deal with taunts of ‘Your Mum’s a child beater’; she has seen me at my lowest and has toughened up. She has said a few smart comments to R and he has backed off. I hope that my standing up to the bullies has taught her to do the same. I am not condoning what I did and I wish it had never happened, but it did and I hope its legacy is a positive one, if only in that way.

As for me, this year was supposed to be one of my happiest, as I got married in July. Instead, it’s been one of my worst. I have had so many phobias and panic attacks to deal with. I haven’t been able to go to the park since the incident there in May and walking back into that school on the first day back in September was terrifying. I have to walk up to school with Allie and we avoid the place where R’s mother waits for his sister.

The other day, I had to go into the same classroom to see my son’s teacher. I felt sick just walking in that door. I don’t think I will ever view the school in the same way.

I have been shaking while I’ve been typing this. I’m sorry it went on so long, but I
wanted to tell you my story. It might help someone. I do hope I don’t lose any friends over this, I have tried to be as objective as possible and present a fair view of everything.

I went to the Doctors on Monday and have been diagnosed as suffering from depression. I have been put on a course of Cipramil (anti-depressants) and was told I have quite a severe form of depression and could well need to be on medication for at least a year.

It’s amazing what harm one boy can do.

Summary: