Controlled Crying - a means to an end? (Your Baby and Sleep in general)

Member Name: hypno06

Product:	Your Baby and Sleep in general
Date:	25/03/09 (175 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: It worked for me, with no ill effects.

Disadvantages: It is tough, and some criticised me.

One of the roles of a baby is to keep their Mummy and Daddy awake. It is in their job description, and they are as good as gold in sticking to the rules. This, however, whilst expected by all new parents, can be far more draining than anyone ever imagined, and whilst we are designed to cope for the most part, in the knowledge (or is that hope?) that "they will grow out of it" reasonably soon, and will settle through the night, the reality is often quite different.

Sleep deprivation is not fun. It makes you tired (obviously), but it also makes you grumpy, clumsy, and very very emotional. When you are tired, you blow things up out of all proportion, and everything seems so much worse than it would have done had you had something resembling a normal amount of sleep.

When you are suffering from a lack of sleep, your baby doesn't understand what the problem is - they carry on demanding (another of their contracted roles)......food, nappies, comfort. This can result, in my experience, in one of three things:

1) you carry on - your coping mechanism working overtime, tired, but aware that this is "normal" for this stage in your life, and it will pass.

2) you try and pacify your baby - by giving into its demands.......picking him up because he is only happy when he is with you, giving him more food or more milk because he is quiet when he is eating/suckling, etc etc. Whilst this might seem like the easy option, your little cherub is learning quickly, and if you continue doing this, you could be setting yourself up for a lifetime of constant demand.

3) you are so exhausted, that you just want the baby to shut up. You may love your baby dearly, but sometimes it feels as though they are your worst enemy, sapping you of energy, and somehow deliberately doing it just to wind you up (or that is how it feels, anyway). This can lead to excessive snappiness and anger, and in extreme cases, just the desire to walk away or to shake the baby to make him take notice of the way you are feeling. (As I said above, when you have severe sleep deprivation, things get blown out of all proportion, and I am not for a moment suggesting that everyone who has a lack of sleep turns violent towards their babies, just pointing out that sleep deprivation affects people quite severely). Post natal depression may kick in, just to round things off nicely.......

So, what can you do? First of all, check out with your GP, midwife or health visitor that there is nothing physically wrong with your baby. I don't want to say "babies do this, it is just what they do" and sound all blase about it, because if there is a real reason behind it, it needs to be sorted. If baby is suffering with digestive problems or had a traumatic birth leading to head or neck stiffness, they will let you know by crying - so get it checked out first.

The chances are, that there is nothing physically wrong, so now it is a case of making the best of the position you are in. This is not easy, because you are tired, exhausted, emotional, and feeling as though the world is against you right now.

If you choose to allow your coping mechanism to do its job, be realistic in your expectations. This is tiring, but if it applies to you, make sure that you are eating a healthy diet, and looking after yourself throughout - it is easy to be on autopilot and "forget" to eat, or to snack rather than to eat properly. Accept offers of help - if someone can sit with the baby while you go and have a soak in the bath, or a walk on your own etc, that will give you that extra bit of strength and energy you need.

If you are verging on the desperate - and fear that you may harm yourself or your baby, please please please see your GP, midwife or health visitor. Whether simple sleep deprivation, baby blues or full blown post natal depression, there are people who can help - don't be afraid to ask for that help.......it does not make you any less of a good mummy. Support groups are available in many areas, and these can provide you with a great network of people who have been there, done that, and can help you through the difficult days (and nights) and help you bring everything back into perspective.

If you are giving in to a demanding baby all the time, "for an easy life", you will possibly be setting yourself up for a demanding toddler, pre-schooler, teenager, etc etc.........so, don't be afraid to say NO. That doesn't mean you have to actually say "NO" at every opportunity, but have a system whereby you know yourself that the baby is not hungry, is dry and clean, is warm, and is healthy (having checked out any possible illness, as above). So, you know that no harm will come of the baby if he cries for a bit. The theory behind this is that the baby will soon learn that crying for the sake of it doesn't work, but that if baby genuinely needs mummy, she will be there. It also doesn't stop mummy giving baby lots of cuddles just because cuddles are nice!

When my first born was a baby, I got very little sleep - my husband worked away, so I was on my own, and I still worked, so I had to function, come what may. Someone came in to look after her when I was at work, and lo and behold, she was an absolute angel while I was out, and then turned into my demanding little terror as soon as I walked in the door.

Although I never got to the stage of wanting to walk away, I know a couple of people who did. One actually got to the point of handing her baby over to her partner and walking away for ever. I thank my lucky stars that this was not me......but it so easily could have been.

I had developed a combination of coping (especially at work) and giving in to demands......picking my baby up, feeding her more or less on demand. When it became apparent that I was doing neither her nor myself any favours, I was advised by my health visitor to try "controlled crying".

This involves making sure that your baby is comfortable, fed, dry etc, and putting them to bed/in the pram or whatever so they are safe. Kiss them and tell them that you love them. And walk away. When they cry, leave them. After a while, you go back, and just check that they don't need a nappy change, and that they are warm enough, but don't pick them up, just tuck them in, and tell them you love them......and walk away.

Eventually, the baby realises that mummy is still there, but that she isn't going to play the "Demand" game any more......baby goes off to sleep, and when baby is asleep, so Mummy can rest.

This is hard, though. It is difficult to hear your baby cry, when you know that by picking him/her up, you can make everything better. It is hard to walk up to the crib or the pram, and not pick up your baby, but to stay at arms length before you walk away.

I am not pretending for a moment that this is an easy thing to do. I remember going to both neighbours at the time (we lived in a terrace) and telling them what I was doing, for fear that they thought I was killing my baby - the noise from inside my house was so great at times.

You have to be strong, but in my experience, it works......after just 3 days of torture, my baby worked out her own natural routine, meaning that we both got more sleep.

When my son arrived shortly afterwards (there is only 15 months between my two), I worked on this system more or less straight away, and he has been one of the best sleepers in the world. Coincidence, maybe, but I am grateful for it.

Some people criticised me for doing the controlled crying - one even called me a bad mother for allowing my baby to suffer. If I knew where that person now lived, I would invite her round to meet my 13 and 14 year olds and to tell me if they have been adversly affected.

Interestingly, though, when I went to my two neighbours to apologise for the noise, both said that they had done this when they were new mums. One pointed out that until relatively recently it was normal for babies to be wrapped up warm, put in their pram, and put outside in the garden for several hours each day......and that all I was doing was going back to basics.

I love my children dearly, and I always have done, but I look back and remember those days of no sleep and am grateful that I was given the advice that I was.

It is a very personal thing though - this is just MY experience.

Summary: Check with your GP/Health visitor first.