Humans Need Training (Cats in General)

Member Name: milmol

Product:	Cats in General
Date:	24/10/02 (148 review reads)
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Advantages: Once trained humans make great companions for Moggies

Disadvantages: Training can be hard work

The Beginning ~ I was unwanted, left on the streets to fend for myself without a kind word from anyone. As a young black and white cat, ordinary and common to look at, someone had obviously decided I was unworthy of love, and so it was I started life, abandoned on the streets. I needed rescuing, who would save me????

My saviour came in the shape of a young girl, about 7 years of age, she picked up my skinny little frame and demanded mum kept me, the amateur dramatics she displayed were worthy of an Oscar and we became friends for life. And so it was that I became a member of the family, or pack leader once I had finished training them. The family consisted of mum, dad and daughter, and I soon realised I had my work cut out. You see to be truly happy, everyone has to know their place in the pack, and it took them a while to assimilate this information, but I can say after 11 years of hard work, I have achieved this aim and am ready to pass this information on to other felines in need.

Starting Training ~ The key to training a human is to be unpredictable. If a human tries to pet you, walk away, any games and petting should be initiated by you alone. This is to show the humans you are the boss. If they cannot take the hint and continue to irritate you, play the ‘Knead the lap game’, humans find this extremely painful as your front claws dig into their tender skin and will soon get the message.

Another good game is called ‘Lick The Fingers’. To play this game, lie on your back, take one of the human fingers into your mouth, carefully brushing it with your teeth so as not to draw blood but to procure a scratching sensation, then vigorously lick the finger with your sandpaper like tongue until the humans decides to back off and leave you in peace. If licking alone fails to impress the human, use your back legs as a pummel on the human’s hand and kick vigorously. If either of these games fail, arch your back, move
your tail from side to side and growl accordingly, humans seem to recognize this stance and I personally have not known it to fail.

Rewards ~ To reward a human that acts appropriately, leave lots of fur on his/her clothes, humans appreciate this gesture and spend a long time ‘stroking’ the fur on their clothes. Another nice reward is to bring home presents such as mice, small rats or even birds, each of which can be hidden about the house if necessary and saved for when a reward is due.

Meal Times ~ To train your human to recognise meal times, weave in and out of their legs whilst looking up at their face and howling at the top of your voice. This seldom fails to work. When presented with a meal, if it is from a previously opened can, refuse to eat it and scratch furiously at the side of the dish to show your displeasure. Also, train your human to only buy the most expensive brands of food by refusing to eat anything labeled ‘cheap’ or ‘on offer’. If you are really hungry you could lick the gravy from the offending meal, leave the chunky bits and then go back to the leg weaving and screaming routine, this often shows them what you mean.

If your humans are out all day, and you are feeling peckish, neighbouring cat flaps may provide the answer. You must of course remember to boycott your own cat flap and instead, sit on the doorstep and howl loudly, this works particularly well in the middle of the night. Other sources of food can be obtained by raiding the rubbish bin; chicken skin in particular is nice after being dragged along the kitchen floor.

If you are still hungry after meal times, try licking the butter or chewing a houseplant. Even more impressive, convince your human you are still starving by chewing the telephone cables, only resort to these tactics if a human if near enough to see and take pity on you.

Pills and Potions ~ Every so often your human will try to force pills do
wn your throat, this can be avoided by wriggling, howling, spitting, scratching and even screaming. Other methods of avoiding pills are hiding under the bed, climbing up the curtains, or as a last resort, using the dreaded cat flap. All of these options may be used to avoid flea treatments.

If these tactics fail and they manage to secure your limbs in a towel or blanket, hide the offending tablet in the side of your mouth and then spit it out somewhere discreet like the back of the sofa.

Games ~ Do not be brought down to human level by agreeing to play with any stupid toys that are purchased for you. These may include fake stuffed mice, plastic balls and fake catnip. Instead try to educate your human by showing them what you like.

Examples of good games are ~

Climb the Christmas Tree.
Box the shoelaces.
Climb wallpaper, human legs or any other vertical object your claws will hang on to.
Dive-bomb a sleeping human.
Walk across the computer keyboard, (while it is on but the human is distracted of course).
Walk across the piano keyboard.
Hitch a ride on the dogs tail or back as it passes.

Overcoming Problems ~ At times you will find your humans have made your life difficult. Here are some suggestions to overcome everyday problems.

If you find yourself trapped in a room with a door shut, try to dig through the carpet with your front claws, if you do this loudly enough a human will quickly open the door.

If a human is sat on your favorite chair, try the knead and scratch game, if this fails, pass wind with your bottom facing them.

If your human buys the wrong brand of cat litter, shovel it all out of the tray so they take the hint. If this fails, boycott the tray and leave presents around the house. Boycotting the tray also works if the human is failing to clean it out as often as you require, try using the flower beds, plant pots or bath and they should soon take the hint.

Do not be selfish, allow your human to share your bed, but should they decide to spread out, remind them who deserves more space by a quick nip or scratch to the ankle.

Occasionally the human mating habits may interfere with your sleep pattern, if this happens, firmly climb between the humans and refuse to be moved.

Sometimes your human will say the word ‘Vet’, this is a particularly unpleasant person who wishes to stick needles in you. If this word is said, forget your principles and use the cat flap immediately.

Sometimes your humans will invite other humans round to your home, these humans may be untrained and may irritate you by initiating petting. If this happen, pretend to like them, sit on their lap and present them with a hair ball, this usually satisfies them and they leave you alone.



Final Thoughts ~ Training humans takes a long time, I have been doing this job for 11 years and have finally achieved a modicum of control. Remember, humans verbalise a lot but most of it is rubbish and can be safely ignored. With time and patience, most humans can be trained, but if you are unfortunate enough to find a particularly difficult one, my advice would be to move house and start again. Good luck and happy training.

Murphy Cat

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