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Evil Wobbly Twigs
Member Name: Muffin_the_Mule
Date: 14/08/01, updated on 12/08/09 (1064 review reads)
Advantages: you could set them on an enemy
Disadvantages: Hannibal Lector dancing
I got the inspiration to write this opinion after reading Peakly's op about Fish.
I highly recommend reading that op by the way!
However, It wasn't actually the opinion which made the idea dwarves scramble into action and smack me full in the face with the lighted bulb. (they desperately need a bit of target practice)
In actual fact, it was when I was on the comments page, reading through what other people had put (Quentin, leave Argos and go work for a newspaper - effortless Puns like that are priceless) to make sure I wasn't repeating anyone, when I read something innocent left by jillmurphy.
At that moment, I forgot where I was.
Then I had horrific flashbacks about my experiences with Stick Insects as an unassuming teenager.
Below is the inspiration.
Under that is my story.
Be prepared, and don't blame me if you get insomnia!.
by Muffin_the_Mule on 13.08.2001 at 19:03
i got stick insects when i was 13. i now have a highly rational fear of them because they bread. alot. they also escape. they escape and they bread. alot.
oh, and they do this awful and spooky "wobble" thing. like a rocking madman. you might just have ruined 9 years of therapy. not what i was expecting when coming to a comments page about fish. although, you may well have inspired my next op. Evil Wobbly Twigs.
by Peakly on 02.08.2001 at 23:04
Without a doubt.
by jillmurphy on 02.08.2001 at 22:08
Conor wants a stick insect. I think we're going to get one. Opinion? Or no?
Now, as some of the inspiration came as a result of that comment, you may well note a bit of repetition. Hey ho.
Let me set the scene.
I was 13. I wanted a pet. I didn't have a great deal of money.
The only money I had, was earned from delivering the local free paper. I would be paid in the region £5 for a round consisting of close to 300 houses.
early definable as slave labour, but it kept me in Batman cards and copies of Roy of the Rovers, so I was happy.
It was on this biodegradable information meduim delivery marathon that I saw the petshop advertising that they now stocked "exotic" animals.
I was intrigued, so I went in.
Mr Petshopman had decided that a freakishly proportioned snail and tiny, baby Stick Insects warranted the sign in the window. I was a bit disappointed, but then I saw the price tag of the Stick Insects. They were 30p each.
Well within the range of even my pittance wages.
I bought 5. £1.50. Bargain.
Including the plastic tank (about the size of a shoe box) that sign in the window cost me about £7. I now owned "exotic pets" how cool did I feel?!
I arrived home halfway through my round
(if any of you live in Gee Cross and were harbouring ill feelings because once, in 1992, you didn't get your free Advertiser, this op doesn't include an apology - Pah!)
And showed my mum my latest purchase.
"Very nice. Wash your hands, tea's ready"
Much much better reaction than I was expecting.
Great I thought. First hurdle surpassed.
Next I had to actually learn how to care for my newly acquired family.
not too dissimilar to the Kilshaws, i'd bought these babies without actually thinking I'd not the first clue about parenthood.
Through books, and there are not many, I learned that their main source of food is Privet hedge. (Not the two-coloured privet, the normal mono-tinted leaf variety - didn't want to leave myself open to hate mail from lamenting Stick Insect Orphans. Parents killed by the Great Bi-coloured leaf invasion of 2001)
Seemed odd to me, because correct me if i'm wrong, there aren't too many Privet bushes in Borneo (i'm guessing thats where they're from. probably wrong.)
I did however, accept the informa
tion as true, I was confident the publishers of the 'Big book of bugs' wouldn't be lying.
Off I set, into my village, scissors furiously hacking at Mrs Purcells bush. ( I can hear the innuendo police at my door)
I was like Edward Scissorhands. Except without the artistic talent.
And so it continued for around a month.
A month is all the time these babies need to develop enough to get frisky.
Big book of bugs had not included this in their advice.
Within about one month and 2 days I had 5 evil, loathsome and abhorrent twigs. All 3 inches of them.
It is around now where the repetition sets in, so i'll quote me.
"i now have a highly rational fear of them (stick Insects - ed) because they bread. alot. they also escape. they escape and they bread. alot.
oh, and they do this awful and spooky "wobble" thing. like a rocking madman."
Oh my god. They bread. Oh my god they've bread.
(now I know why the english language is so awkward. For Bread 1 read BrEEd, Bread 2 read BrEd. Cleared that one up then.)
All of a sudden, I didn't have 5 insects. I had closer to 45. They were like the 5 evil leaders, producing an army capable of taking over any teenagers bedroom.
Then the invasion began.
The army mobilised.
The first fugitive I found, was only a few inches from the tank. The second, was on the floor, third was in my bed. At night.
I found them everywhere. I was beginning to get a bit panicky.
Basically, I had so many, I didn't know exactly how many there should be. Therefore, I didn't know how many had gone.
Every night was like a battle of wills.
Field Marshal Stick Vs Me. Stick won. Easily.
Then, when trying to count them one morning, I noticed that they do this incredibly spooky thing when you watch them. They wobble/rock/dance.
Sounds cute? Ima
gine Hannibal Lecter doing The Charleston.
Soon, they expanded 'operation kill all humans' to the whole house.
The undetected escapees, stick insect worlds equivalent of the SAS (Noticed that they're masters of disguise? that's no accident you know, i'm sure that if i'd left them, they would have evolved into "Slipper Insects - Wobbling Slippers etc...."), had found the time to breed outside of the confines of the tank.
They were in the hall. They were in the lounge. They were on the cat.
Enough was enough, and I had to get rid of them.
I placed an advert in Loot.
"Exotic pets. Free to a good home. In fact, free to a reasonable home. Free to a home."
The man who smugly collected them the following week was familiar. It was evil petshopman. my £1.50 had given him a good return.
I have recovered from my war experiences.
But I still think it's no coincidence that the container for these privet-chomping soldiers of fortune is called a
** Update to let you know that i still hate them with more passion than a channel 5 movie, but it has been brought to my attention that they have a covert Paratroop division, codename "Daddy Long Legs".
Terrifyingly intimidating name.
The "Daddies" have been infiltrating my home for a few days now, and these aren't cannon fodder sized Winged monsters, these things look like they could refuel on the run and have had DragonFly DNA mixed with their own.
The Sticks have gone airborn, they've mutated, they want me dead.
just updated to add this line.
Summary: evil and wobbly