Hush ! Arcane knowledge awaits (Onions)

Member Name: Ian Proudfoot

Product:	Onions
Date:	29/01/01 (160 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: A beautiful taste

Disadvantages: Just stick to the laws

People often stop me in the street and say “ Senior Proudfoot why are your onions so lush and textured?” To which I reply “ That I cannot tell you for it is a secret carried down from father to son of the Proudfoot clan”. This was my stock answer for many years, but time has conspired against me and I am now the last male left in the Proudfoot clan and I have no one left to pass the arcane knowledge to.

The secrets of a great onion growing that follow must be read carefully and followed strictly to the letter. If you do not follow them untold tragedy may fall on you and your ancestors. I do not have time to tell you what happened to the family Burstmeister who stole the secret from my great-great grandfather. All I can say is that even to this day the Burstmeisters (whom did not follow the rules) have become a wretched and diseased family surrounded by disrepute and rumour. Now dear reader are you sitting comfortably then I will begin the…

Proudfoot laws of Onion growing.

1) You shall found a warm damp place in which to plant your onion bulbs. Place them firmly upright position using a steady hand to maintain the stance.

2) Once the bulb has been placed, tender them daily for the first few weeks. Sometimes doing this several times in one evening. After this you will find the need to keep this up slowly declines. Tendering of the Onions then becomes less and less frequent and less demanding.

3) Remember however that whilst tendering your onions, to always keep your tools clean and properly in shape. A bent and dirty trowl will only lead to your onions becoming diseased and withered.

4) If you are working on an allotment. Make sure of one thing and double and trice make sure of this one thing. Never let your onions getting near another man’s rhubarb.

5) Harvesting of onions is probably the most important and most precise art of all. Don’t just yank your onions h
ard and expect them to come out of the ground. Remove them from the ground with gentleness and tenderness and you find they come out easily into your hands.

6) Presentation of onions is also important. This is particularly of importance of those wishing to display theirs in public. A good wash and a hardy rub will cause your onions to healthily glow. You should then be able to get a good prize in any local shows.

So I have let the Proudfoot secret loose into the public domain. Stick to these laws and your onions should always be firm and healthy. Hard but tender to the touch, with a rich flavour that will leave a pleasant but strong aftertaste. I recommend eating your onions raw, they are particularly tasty within a cheese sandwich.

Remember stick to the above laws or disaster may be fall on you at your weakest hour. I can not be held responsible if something bad happens to you, your onions or any of your vegetable patch.

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