And the moral of the story is... (Dirty Beasts - Roald Dahl)

Member Name: Trayo

Product:	Dirty Beasts - Roald Dahl
Date:	12/08/01 (5233 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Fun to read together.

Disadvantages: Darnit, I'll never get the ironing done at this rate!

We love books in our family. We particularly love Roald Dahl books in our family. More importantly, we love to share our thoughts on such books, discussing the morals and meanings within. Some of our ideas are, quite clearly, preposterous. Mine, mostly, according to Asley. My problem is that I have been tainted by the cinicism of adulthood. So Aslet tells me, anyway. If you ask me, he listens to his grandmother too much.

When I say “we”, I mean, more precisely, my nine year old son, Asley, and I. Sure,
my daughter loves books, but at 10 months old, she takes the phrase “get your teeth
into a good book” a little too far. Similarly, she is not very adept at discussing her thoughts about the books. Her discussion is usually limited to a few rude noises and an extended middle finger (unintentional - it is a habit she has had from birth). This has proved embarrassing, inappropriate even. It has also proved to be the opposite - particularly when our local Parliamentary candidate tried the “baby kissing for votes” routine at the last election. Priceless!

My partner, Martin, enjoys a good read, too. Unfortunately, his idea of a good read is a copy of the Sunday Sport (“No, really, it has some good articles!”) or the latest
edition of Crops Monthly.

Roald Dahl’s’ Dirty Beasts is a favourite of ours, equally good for reading alone or
reading aloud. It is an anthology of poems, similar in vein to Revolting Rhymes, only
more believable - according to my son:

“The tummy beast really exists, doesn’t it, Mum!”

“Uh?”

“I’ve heard it. In your tummy.”

Here, I must add that I have today started a diet.

Roald Dahl’s’ beautiful rhyming style is complemeted by delightful illustrations by the inimitable Quentin Blake. Only he could illustrate the tales so aptly! <
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Anyway, Roald Dahl’s Dirty Beasts - with our thoughts on the morals involved:

1. THE PIG.

No ordinary pig, this, for this little piggy did not go “wee wee wee all the way home”.
Instead, he had a massive IQ (possibly bigger than the kiddie who won the title of
Britain’s Brainiest Kid, but don’t quote me on that!).

Piggy knew almost everything - the ins and outs of engineering, aerodynamics - and
could even work out huge sums without the need for pen, paper, calculator or fingers
and toes. But one answer eluded Piggy: the meaning of life.

Of course, had Piggy spent less time on the farm accounts he might have watched
Monty Python, and so have been enlightened. But there we have it.

One evening, the answer struck him - quicker than a slaughterman’s bullet:

“They want my bacon, slice by slice
To sell at a tremendous price!”

Piggy fathomed that the local butcher wanted to make exorbitant profit from Piggy’s
chops, sausages and roastable parts. Good grief, the butcher even wanted his
“chitterlings”! (yes, I know what they are - dooyoo?)

After a restless night, Piggy takes the matter of his destiny into his own hands:

Next morning, in comes farmer Bland,
A pail of pigswill in his hand,
And Piggy, with a mighty roar,
Bashes the farmer to the floor...”

So, what happens next? Does Piggy seize the chance to make good his escape?

Read it and find out!

The Moral:

Az: ’Seasy! The pig doesn’t like the swill that Farmer Bland feeds him!

Me: Don’t you think that Piggy is more concerned with self-preservation? I mean, he
doesn’t want to become next week’s roast dinner!

Az: You always look too deeply into things! Adults always do!

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2. THE CROCODILE.

“ No animal is quite as vile
As Crocky-Wock the crocodile.
On Saturdays he likes to crunch
Six juicy children for his lunch”

So begins this poem, and you know instantly that a cautionary tale is to follow.
Indeed, Crocky-Wock has turned children into quite a little delicacy, using mustard to
add taste to the boys, whilst adding caramel and butterscotch to sweeten the girls.
And he should know, the amount he’s eaten!

At this point, the narrator asks his child to settle down to sleep. Only the child can’t, for “gallumphing” up the stairs is none other than:

“...CROCKY-WOCK THE CROCODILE!”

The moral:
Me: Sounds like you’d better keep quiet in your bed tonight. Crocky-Wock may be
lurking in the shadows outside!

Az: *gulp

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3. THE LION.

A short but not-so-sweet tale. What do lions like to eat?

“”Oh, lion dear, could I not make
You happy with a lovely steak?”

Apparently not. Just like Crocky-Wock, this lion enjoys CHILDREN!

The Moral:

Me: Better steer clear of lions’ dens, hadn’t you! You wouldn’t like to be devoured
by a lion!

Az: Not me! I’d wear chain mail like the knights did. He’d never get his teeth
through that!

Me: But wouldn’t you find it hot, not to mention difficult to move?

Az: I never heard the knights complain!

You see my problem?

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4. THE SCORPION.

I dislike this poem. Not because of the way in which it was written, you understand.
No, I just hate anything small and crawly. Except my daughter, of course. Usually,
anyway!

Luckily, according to Mr Dahl, you’ll never find a
scorpion in your bed if you live in
England. Phew!

This little scorpion, aptly named Stingaling, is well-described in this poem. The reader is swiftly warned of its intentions:

“The moment that his tail goes swish
he has but one determined wish,
He wants to make a sudden jump
And sting you hard upon your rump.”

The child listening to this warning is in his bed. He becomes more than a little
concerned when he feels some movement beneath the sheets (no, I don’t think he’s old enough for THAT yet!). Is it Stingaling?

Find out for yourself!

The moral:

Az: Aaawww, poor little thing! It’s obviously lonely and wants some attention. Why do people treat these animals so badly? They only want friends!

Me: Don’t you realise how deadly these things can be? I think the author is clearly
warning you of the pain they can cause!

Az: God, you’re so unfeeling! I thought we were supposed to treat nature with
consideration! God would be ashamed of you!

I consider myself beaten. Again.

---------------------------------------------

5. THE ANTEATER.
(or “Auntie Vic”, as Asley calls it, due to the startling similarity in nasal size and shape with my sister!)

A horrid, fat and spoilt little boy, named Roy, lives in America. Whatever he wants, he
gets.

“Lucky git!” says Az.

So keen is he to stay one step ahead of parents and friends (assuming he has some!)
that he thinks up the idea of owning an anteater for a pet.

One can only imagine the difficulty his father had in obtaining one, but obtain one he did, from a man in Delhi, India.

When the anteater arrived, however, it had clearly been neglected:

“The anteater arrived half-dead.
It looked at Roy and softly said.
‘I’m famished. Do you think you
could
Please give me just a little food?’”

Roy replied in the negative, kind, considerate boy that he wasn’t, and ordered the anteater to find his own food on the lawn.

“It hunted every inch of ground,
But not one single ant it found”

What happens next is purely the fault of the American accent.

Aunt Dorothy came to stay. Think of the American pronunciation of “Aunt”.

Think a bit harder.

You with me? Yup. The anteater ate Aunt Dorothy.

Not completely sated by this feast, the anteater fancied dessert.

If I were to tell you that Roy had hidden, in terror, behind a pile of manure, would you
be able to guess the ending?

I thought so!

The moral:

Me: Oh, dear. Poor Aunt Dorothy and Roy. I suppose the moral here is not to starve
your pets, isn’t it?

Az: Nah. It’s not to talk with an American accent!

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6. THE PORCUPINE.

Another lucky little child, this time a girl, stars in this poem. After behaving all week, she is given 50p pocket money, and speeds away to the local sweet shop where she
proceeds to spend it all on sweets. Looking for a quiet place at which to eat her spoils,
she goes to a favourite spot in the wood. She sees what she thinks is a rock upon
which to sit, and lands her little bottie right on top of a porcupine.

“I ran for home. I shouted, ‘Mum!
Behold the prickles in my bum!’”

Mum is not too thrilled at the prospect of having to extract the prickles. She suggests
the better alternative:

“I think a job like this requires
The services of Mr Myers.
I shouted, ‘Not the dentist! No!’”

as Mr Myers spends his waking hours extracting things.

Mr Myers is delighted to help:


220;Quite honestly I can’t pretend
I’ve ever pulled things from this end!”


But extraction comes with a price - 50 guineas. The mother argues, but the dentist
holds his ground and she must pay.

The little girl has her own moral from this story:

“Be sure you LOOK before you SIT!”

The moral:

Me: Oooh, I think this one has already been discussed in the story, don’t you?

Az: No! The moral here is not to be so greedy. If she hadn’t been such a huge pig
and bought all those sweets, she would never have sat on the porcupine in the first
place! And did anyone think about the porcupine? I mean, his defence system has
been depleted by losing all those spines in that girl’s backside!

I blame the parents. Whoever they may be.

---------------------------------------------

7. THE COW.

Poor Miss Milky Daisy. At the tender age of seven months she is transported to the
farm for a lifetime of giving milk for the benefit of mankind.

Daisy has a deformity, too:

“A funny sort of bumpy lump
On either side, above the rump.”

The reason for this becomes clear in time - Daisy grows wings. Gold and silver ones!
And what’s more, she could fly!

naturally, the local television crew had to get in on the act, and people came from far
and wide to see her “perform”. All were in total awe of this flying cow - except one,
an Afghanistan chap. he mocked Daisy:

“That silly cow! Hey, listen Daisy!
I think you’re absolutely crazy!”

Was daisy downhearted and downtrodden? Nope. But she was downwind, so to
speak. What do you get if you stand under a cow?

A pat on the head.

I need say no more!

The moral:

Me: Don’t stand underneath flying cows?

Az: hahah
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I wish I could do this when Miss
Bradwell disbelieves me about the Russian spies in the corn field!

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8. THE TOAD AND THE SNAIL.

Like many children, the little boy in this story likes to spend time paddling in the local pond. However, he was clearly unprepared for the events of one particular day:

“Now yesterday, quite suddenly,
A giant toad came up to me”

This toad could talk, too, and was quite proud of his size and ability. The boy found a startling resemblance between the toad and his Aunt Emily (why not? If we can see the resemblance between an anteater and an auntievic...!)

The toad didn’t appear to like the comparison. He bragged about his abilities, and invited the child onto his back to experience said abilities. The boy gingerly agreed, and together they took massive leaps around the country:

“Quite literally, we jumped all over,
From Scotland to the Cliffs of Dover!”

After tea in Dover, they leapt to France. As you do. No doubt they wanted to stock
up on cheap wine and beer.

There was one thing they hadn’t realised. What is the so-called national delicacy in
France? If I quote a couple of lines, would it give you a clue?

“”...every person, man and wife
Was brandishing a carving knife.”

You got there in the end!

“They think it’s absolutely ripping
To guzzle frogs-legs fried in dripping.”

Was the toad worried? Not he, for he was a MAGIC TOAD! he pressed a button
upon his head and turned into (wait for it!) - a giant SNAIL!

Mistake number two, methinks!

The toad/snail remained calm. he simply pressed the button once more to turn himself
into a Roly-Poly Bird!

They flew safely home. the boy never did tell anyone of his
adventure.

“We’re sure it all took place, although
Not one of us will ever know,
We’ll never, never understand
Why children go to Wonderland.”

The moral?

Me: Errrrmmmmm, be careful when bathing in ponds? Don't accept lifts from strangers? (I was clutching at straws here!)

Az: Nah! Don’t go to France if you’re a frog or a snail. Unless you are a magic one,
of course.

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

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9. THE TUMMY BEAST.

“One afternoon I said to Mummy,
‘Who is this person in my tummy?’”

This Tummy Beast was clearly responsible for a lot of misdeeds, such as forcing the
boy to raid the biscuit tin and demanding sugar buns for tea.

Mummy is clearly unimpressed by the boy’s tale, and states that he is fat purely
because he is a greedy little git who can’t control his cravings and selfish greed.

I know the feeling!

Incensed by the boy’s apparent bare-faced lies, she sends her son to bed. The next
event saves the boy from an early night, as the Tummy Beast speaks once more:

“My darling mother nearly died,
‘My goodness, what was that?’ she cried

See? It is real! Honestly! But did the boy’s mother believe her ears?

“But Mummy answered nothing more,
For she had fainted on the floor.”

The moral?

Me: The Tummy Beast is real, quite clearly! see, it’s that which makes me eat all your
lunch biscuits!

Az: So why don’t you believe me when I use that old excuse?

Me: You’re too young to have one. Only adults have one.

Az: I think the moral is that parents should believe everything their children tell them. So there.

Me: Get outta here! My Tummy Beast is about to start!


Az: This diet’s really getting to you, isn’t it, Mum!

Kids! You can’t live with ‘em and you can’t live with ‘em!

Summary: