Spank My Child? I Dont Think SO! (The Discipline Book - William Sears, Martha Sears)

Member Name: MrsXopher

Product:	The Discipline Book - William Sears, Martha Sears
Date:	10/10/04 (352 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Great alternative parenting methods, Loads of useful advice from truly experienced people, A website is available to follow up with any queries possibly provoked from reding this book

Disadvantages: You may find some of it a bit hard to swallow, It is certainly INCREDIBLY anti spanking, It can be expensive, tho you can find it on sites like Amazon at a discounted price

It should be noted, that I have just written this very same review on Ciao, and have copied it to here. As I am new to this site, I am finding it a wee bit difficult in knowing how to get around, and am therefore not quite sure what is expected on this site. As I feel that this is one VERY good book for new parents, I felt it would be useful to print this review here, so others could have a peek at how invaluable it is to new parents and all other parents for that matter.

If it is unacceptable to bring a review from one site to the next in its full format, then PLEASE will someone or everyone who reads it even, be sure to let me know that in the comment section once reading this. I will check right away to make sure I go about finding a way to delete this review if it is unethical and frowned upon by the site. PLEASE NOTE however, this is ALL my own work and not in anyway plagerised by any other member!

Thanks
TA

My father and I have never been best of friends, and at present do not even speak. However, there was a brief space in time, when my son was only a toddler of about 1 and a half years, when we were speaking. It was at this time that my step-mum gave me two books that were written by Martha and William Sears. One was called, 'The Baby Book' the other was 'The Discipline Book: From birth to age 5' Together, these two books go into great detail on all sorts of issues. The book is written by authors Dr William and Martha Sears.

Who are the Sears?
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William and Martha Sears are both parents, like us, with the exception of having written over 30 pediatric books, articles in parenting magazines and appearing in over 100 television shows to give advice on the related subject of pediatric care, and child rearing, they also have experience as pediatrician and Rhn, in the U.S. Mrs Sears is a registered nurse, whilst Dr. Sears, is often called Dr. Bill, as he is a pediatrician.

Together Dr. Sears and Martha have raised 8 children, including one with downs syndrome and one which is adopted. They now have two sons, their oldest, Jim and Bob, who are also pediatricians in private practice with their father. These four, work together and have a website, www.askdoctorsears.com.

Martha, though she is not a doctor, is as said, a registered nurse, with 18 years breastfeeding experience stemming from the raising of her children. She is also a childbirth educator, a La Leche leader and a board certified breastfeeding expert.

Their 8 children are: James, Robert, Peter, Hayden, Erin, Matthew, Stephen and Lauren. And, if I may quote her on the site, her response to people who ask her in concern why she would bring 8 children into an already well populated world, she simply states...'The world needs my children.'

Though that last comment may at first seem a bit arrogant, you will soon find in this review as to WHY the world would need children like these.

The Book Of DIrections They Dont Come WIth
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All new mums and dads are familiar with the ever pressing question: WHY dont these babies come with an instruction manual?!

William and Martha have dedicated their lives to loving and caring for children in their home and in their choice of profession. They now have two sons who have grown up and graduated with honours from their respective universities and are now sharing in that world of caring for the young members of our society.

In my opinion if ANYONE was qualified to write a dos and donts book about minding, and caring for children, it would have to be these two. Certainly, a person may not fully agree with everything they have to say, but you dont have to. The beauty of it is, you can draw on their experiences in order to cultivate your own.

The Inevitable Story
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I always wanted to be a Mum, and Housewife, (though I didnt like that house bit. I still dont care to cook or clean, but there you go, there is a tedious bit in every persons chosen field). I finally got my wish on the 28th March 1996. Well, you know what they say about being careful what you wish for! There is that lil party pooper thing called 'learn from this' going around.

The first few months with this bundle of joy was lovely. Aside from the daily requests from daddy to - 'turn him off for a while, he has made that crying noise long enough' or 'well find a volume button, after all YOUR the mum, you are supposed to know how to do these things' - all was going quite well. I didnt even mind not getting sleep through the night whilst he gnawed my breasts until it felt like needles were stabbing me; nor did I mind the fact that he wanted his diaper changed at least 2 times in the night; I didnt even mind him crying regularly through the night because I had inadvertantly covered up the place where his mouth was meant to live - my breast. This was all just fine. Why? Because he was SOOOOOO cute! And that cute lil face could win you over no matter what else the lil darling did.

When our darling lil Christopher turned a year old we were SO impressed with what a charming lil child he was. He shared, he smiled and laughed, he was gentle, he basically did what we told him, unless that lil smile of his could earn him his way, (oh well...ok....so he didnt really have to behave did he?) and basically, he was no problem.

One day, some foreign lil demon from the world of evilness invaded our lovely child's body. He was about 18 months old. I do not know to this day why this happened, but sadly it did. Suddenly, he could walk, and RUN (faster than I could I will have you know), and say NO with absolute clarity. Though NO was not his favourite word...OH not a CHANCE! His favourite three words were, MUMMY (loud and demanding as possible) and UH OH (quiet and unheard as possible).

The favourite activities of my newfound DAMIEN became one of running to the fridge, pulling out my dozen box of eggs, and dumping them upside down; then proceeding to run away as I came to get him, and quickly getting into yet more mischief whilst I cleaned the slimey mess. Alongside all this came his insatiable ambition to become the world's greatest climber, and so there were no 'out of reach' places to put things; and also to become the next Houdini thus preventing the idea of 'locking' him or anything else away was as ridiculous as the thought that I would ever get my darling son back!

He loved to sing, he loved to dance, and he loved daddy's computer. Therefore, standing on the keyboard to do a lil jig to a tune of his own making was his daily ritual to appease the gods that had overtaken his lil body! When he tired of this activity and felt the gods were happy, he would need a good long rest, so the lil superstrong DAMIEN would flip my solid cherry coffee table over, and drag his blankets from the bedroom he refused to sleep in, and put them in the center of this upturned table, whilst loudly declaring, 'Look mummy a four post bed!' Ok correct me if I am wrong, but I WAS NOT the MOMMY to this Damien! No, I was the mummy to CHRISTOPHER, the demon inside was not of my making!

Or was it? Looking back, I am in awe at the many things this lil horror actually got away with. But, what had actually happened was, I had been LIED TO! Oh yes, I was told that I WAS THE BOSS. So why was he so damned bossy? Well, my mum had always spanked me. AND, believe you me, I was too frightened to try any of these antics. I on the other hand, thought that was a bit mean, and wanted to try a new way. For one thing, I thought I could get him to WANT to behave....LOL AS IF!

Aside from not spanking my child, and yet being certain there HAD to be a better way, I had no idea WHAT to do! This is where the book comes in. I was at my Dad's house, trying to appease the hellion from Omen, when my step-mum ever so humbly presented me with a 'present.' Right, what is this I said? She said, 'Its 2 new books written by a doctor and his wife. It talks about alternative child rearing.' Ok, I thought, she doesnt think I am the worlds greatest mum, HUH what a flippin attitude! So, I thanked her with one of those plastic smiles and shoved them in a bag I carried.

HELP had ARRIVED
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The crux of this book is based on what the Sears' call 'attachment parenting'. The idea is that you give your child all the love you possibly can, whilst making them understand that you mean what you say, and they will become well behaved, well balanced, and very loving lil children full of confidence in themselves.

I liked this as soon as I started reading it, as it certainly gave me what I was looking for in dealing with Christopher - a loving way to raise him, without spankings, and yet plenty of boundaries and rules to give him a solid foundation and a law abiding attitude!

Some of the areas dealt with I will list below here. Mind you, it has been some time since I have read my own book, as I read this when he was 2 and have not looked at it since. The reason I did this is because I was interested in knowing what they had to say, but I certainly didnt want to adopt it as a form of religion! I wanted to still go with what I THOUGHT my child needed without feeling indoctrinated into someone elses ideas to the point I never dared stray from every suggestion they gave. The overall principle DID stick in my mind, and so did some of the ideas.

Definition of Discipline
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Right, this is a rough definition, but it is the idea of what I got from the book all those years ago, and it is the general idea that has stuck with me in dealing with Christopher: Discipline does not mean punishment. To discipline your child means to teach them right from wrong and to guide them to do that which is right. You are disciplining your child anytime you are teaching them. Punishment, though a very neccessary part of teaching, should not be confused with discipline. The discipline is the plan you go by to teach your child. (Ok, now if you read the book, you may get a totally different gist, but this is the idea that their words, combined with my feelings toward my child, left in my head...and it seems to work well).

Areas Dealt With
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Tempertantrums: When to ignore and when to deal with.

Again, by reading this book, I have adopted partially from them, and partially from what makes me feel good as a mother, and leaves me feeling guiltless, (as actually is encouraged by the book to do...develop a system that leaves you feeling confident and basically guilt free), the system of ignoring most tempertantrums. In other words, dont give them fuel.

Armed with this information, when Christopher throws a wobbly over being told no, most of the time I stand there looking at him, in a way that says 'is that really getting you anywhere' and he then (at 8) feels quite silly, and starts laughing and finds a better way of dealing with it. When he was younger it was a bit of a different story, but the principle was the same.

Being 2 he was quite prone to tempers and when he did, say in a store for example, I would walk a few feet away (minding that I could still clearly see he was safe) and continue my shopping as if I didnt even notice the temper. Upon seeing the temper was getting him nowhere, and not having my input to give him fuel, he usually calmed down and being a resourceful two year old (as they do tend to be), he would quickly move on to 'plan 2' to get his way, whatever that may have been.

The idea behind ignoring the wobblies, was to let him realize for himself it was useless, whilst getting the anger out. A 2 year old is NOT going to give up the idea of having a temper no matter what you do. So, the idea is to let them express themselves and their frustrations (as 2 IS a very frustrating time for them full stop), and then deal with the issue at hand - what they want vs what is allowed.

Sometimes the temper of a 2 year old can get a bit out of hand, for example they may begin to throw things off the sheves in the store or scream excessively loud, of course you cant ignore that. Therefore, you very calmly let them know that if they continue shouting to that point or doing things that are unnacceptable they will make matters worse for themselves in some way. For example, my son would be put in his pram or the shopping cart as soon as his wobbly started, to prevent any embarrassing breakages. If he was at home, he was sent to his room to be angry and told that if he broke his things, he would have to wait until the money was available for them to be replaced, at which time THAT would be replaced instead of having the opportunity for a new toy. He never did break anything in his room in a temper suprisingly!

Crying to be held
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I really liked the way they taught mums to deal with this one. The Sears NEVER believe in a mum teaching herself to ignore a baby's cries. In doing that, they say you are teaching yourself to ignore their NEEDS and teaching them that no one will be there when they NEED them. They say this builds a low self esteem and causes them to become angry, sad, and leaves them with feelings of alienation from the parents.

The principle here is that a mother is very in TUNE to her baby when it is born, and that needs to be developed, not hardened and ignored. SO, when your baby cries and wants held you are NOT spoiling it by going to it and picking it up. Certainly up to age about 3 months, you should hold your baby MOST of the time. This does NOT produce a teary eyed baby that always cries for attention, it produces a secure and happy child that will be quicker to feel secure enough to branch out away from mummy sooner because it knows mummy will be there if anything scary or dangerous happens.

By the age of 4 months things change a little bit as you can start telling your child, yes mummy hears you, and I will be right there. The reason being, they are old enough to be patient for a minute or so, and can understand enough to know you are not ignoring them. But, you DO need to let them know you hear them right away, even if you arent able to hold them right away. I used to go to my son from about this age and hold my finger up and say 1 minute sweety, mummy will be there in 1 minute. In doing this he came to understand the symbol, and new that mummy heard him and would be there. Whatever I was doing, I would finish quickly and then go to him. I would also talk soothingly to him, saying over and over one minute honey, whilst I was finishing.

They said that from about 4 months this is important because they need to understand they can not be demanding in their cries, and they need to learn that it may take mummy a minute to come. Also, by four months you know when the cry is urgent vs I need my mummy for attention. NOTHING is wrong with them needing attention, but they need not be demanding with it.

Baby Sling
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They suggest here, that a baby can even be held in a sling that keeps them close to the mummy all day and soothes them and makes them feel comfortable. By this they are referring to a very young one, I do not actually know at which age they suggest stopping this. I didnt like the idea at the time. I certainly would do it given the chance to do it again, up to the age of about 4 months.

If I learned one thing from this book, you can not love or cuddle your baby TOO much. It certainly lead to a very happy and secure child in my case. And no he does not hang on me for attention all the time, and never did. YES he likes his hugs, but when he doesnt want them, he is very secure in saying, Mummy I dont want a hug right now...(at this age of 8, it is usually more like, MUM we are IN PUBLIC!)

Implying NO by Saying YES!
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There are so many areas that are dealt with in this book I will not go on and on. But there is one more thing that I learned either by concept or literally from the book, and I cant remember which, but it is a principle that seems to work wonders. When you have to tell your young child no, it is best to find a way to do it which sounds like yes. For ex. if my child says to me, Mummy may I have a biscuit...I will not say NO its too close to dinner, I will instead say, Yes of course you can, if that is what you want for pudding. If you are hungry right now though, a carrot stick (for example) would be a good idea, as we are very near dinner at the moment.

In guiding him in this way I have never actually had to use the word no. This then serves two purposes. One it gives them the knowledge that they WILL at some point get what they are asking for. Two, it gives you the opportunity to guide them into understanding WHY the answer you gave was a good and right answer. Instead of saying NO and dropping it, you have taken the opportunity to teach them that it is not good to (for example) have a biscuit this close to dinner.

Conclusion
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I was given this book because my child was SO out of control and I did NOT want to spank him. Being spanked myslef for any infraction growing up, I certainly had learned no alternatives. Going about blindly was quite hard. This book gave me the assurance and assistance I needed to go forward WITHOUT spankings.

It should actually be known at this point that this book is in fact, VERY ANTI SPANKING, and you will feel VERY guilty for spanking if that is your choice of punishment...so you may find it difficult to read in that case. BUT, it certainly gave me ideas, that this many years on have developed into a whole system of discipline for my child. And I have been able to do it without guilt, or feeling mean. Also, by not spanking, I have found that at times when i am strung out and have 'over punished him' I can always remove a few days grounding etc, but I could NEVER take away a spanking too many.

On a whole my son is very well behaved and well adjusted at this poing. I know that in the 5 years now that he as been attending school (nursery to now year 4) I have never ONCE been told anything but that he is a joy in class and NEVER causes trouble. Oh dont worry, he gets even when he gets home, he certainly isnt perfect, and I would worry if he were, but he DOES feel happy, loved, secure and has a strong foundation in morals and boundaries. This was my goal, and to this point it seems to be working.

I would STRONGLY suggest all new or even all parents full stop, to read these books as it gives a brilliant, experienced voice to child rearing! It is a refreshing modern concept. PLEASE do not confuse attachment parenting with NO punishment, and NO discipline, as that could not be farther from the truth. What it is, is parenting that teaches a child to love and be loved and gives them a strong sense of well being. It is the alternative that produces children, that in Mrs Sears words, '...the world needs...'

I give this book 5 stars. As no, I do not buy into EVERYTHING they say, but every child is different, but they certainly DO know where they are coming from, and my 8 year old is EVERYTHING they say will come of this and I certainly found it a god send at a time when my child had very little direction from his new mummy and daddy. Their experience alone warrants it a cursory read.


One last note: The book is written by the American Couple William and Martha Sears. It can be purchased at many online bookshops etc, including Amazon. The list price for the book is £40 for hardback, and half that for paperback. You can get them much cheaper used on Amazon and the like, so I would strongly suggest doing that.

Also, the site for online advice from these two very experienced people is www.askdrsears.com

A very useful site for young parents! I only discovered it in writing this review and certainly plan to put it in my favourites!

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