A rambling, spurious attempt to justify the existence of this book* (Log, the - Craig Charles)

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Product:	Log, the - Craig Charles
Date:	19/07/01 (77 review reads)
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'A definitive chronicle of the human race, comprising a retrospective and comparative look at mankind's triumphs and follies throughout the ages. Honest.'

Craig Charles is probably best known for his role in the comedy series Red Dwarf, in which he plays the curry-guzzling, beer-swilling, last example of human life in the Universe. He also presents the long-running programme Robot Wars. But as well as all that, he also writes books, and poetry.

Subtitled ‘A Dwarfer’s Guide to Everything’, THE LOG is certainly not the best book in the world. It’s not the worst by a long way, but it’s not the best. Having said that, it is pretty funny in places, so I guess it serves its purpose!

Charles basically takes the role of ‘chronicler of the human race’ – explaining that if he really was the last surviving human, he’d like to think he would be able to leave something for posterity. Hence THE LOG ‘a chronicle of survival in the hostile universe that is Life’.

Part One tells of the development of the Human Race, and takes up a large chunk of the book – dealing with such diverse topics as mathematics, politics, music, weapons and diets. Here we find such gems as . . . . .

‘Teeth were probably the first effective weapons ever used by man but anyone suggesting the tongue was the first weapon ever used by woman is far braver than me.’

‘Politicians developed their own language with which to communicate their glorious visions of a country under their inspired and altruistic leadership. This language came to be known as ‘Bollocks’ and was also widely used by people in the media and by estate agents.’

‘Wind instruments had their genesis when a particularly inventive Cro-Magnon blew into a bone and a whole load of slimy stuff flew out with a sort of farting sound. Hey presto, modern jazz was created.
’

And important questions such as . . . . .

‘Why doesn’t the guy that wins the Tour de France do a lap of honour?’

and

‘Can an amateur footballer do a professional foul?’

In the rest of the book, Charles romps through a vast array of subjects including animals, advice, transport and inventions. A section in ‘advice’ lists 101 things NOT to do before you reach the age of 30. My favourites include:

6. See if your goldfish can live in lager.
65. Put a femidom on your head and blow it up to the size of the Albert Hall.
and
96. Invent a game called ‘Pubic Dares’ and demonstrate it to your friends by setting fire to your crotch.

You’re getting the picture right? It is funny, but not all that clever.

However, there is a particularly funny section on London in the chapter ‘Planet Earth: The birthplace of mankind and lager’. Charles says there are ‘seven distinct levels to the purgatory that is London’. The description of the M25, the air quality, and Oxford Street is worth a giggle or two, and the paragraph about the wannabes and poseurs is funny because it is so true! Oh sod it – here it is:

‘Another stratum awaits the wannabes and poseurs who will find the gates to their imagined heaven barred by a large devil in a tuxedo who will repeat endless catechisms about a mythical list upon which their names do not now, and never will, appear. Their pathetic pleas involving ‘obvious mistakes’ and ‘don’t you know who I am?’s’ forever fall on deaf and dispassionate ears.’

The ‘recipes’ in the ‘Food and how to do it’ chapter are one of the highlights of the book, and almost guaranteed to raise a smile. Again, I can only quote:

No-Fish Fondue [V]
Ingredients: little bits of bread on sticks
brandy r>no fish

Place the brandy in a bowl making sure to include no fish. Dip the bits of bread into the brandy and eat them until all the brandy is gone. Then go to bed.

~~~

Food Vindaloo
Ingredients: Food, Vindaloo Sauce

Cover the food in Vindaloo sauce. Microwave it until it explodes. Eat it.

The entire book is full of such inane humour, akin to that of Reeves and Mortimer, or Newman and Baddiel. The best place for it is in the bathroom. It can then be dipped into at will, flicked through at random, and generally used to while away those hours spent in the smallest room. A work of great originality and side-splitting humour it isn’t, but it could have been a lot worse!

I bought it in one of those bargain bookshops like The Works, for a pound. I probably wouldn’t have bought it at the published price, but for a pound you can’t really go wrong, can you? Can you???

ISBN 0-14-026862-6
PENGUIN – Fiction – Humour
Published Price 6.99
First published 1997

* The sub-title of the Introduction!!!!