A rose is...red and nice and good and has a stem and.... (The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien)

Name: hoochi

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Product:	The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien
Date:	23/07/02 (62 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: I can say that Ive read it, Dont have to read it again, phew, Nice poems

Disadvantages: Its boring, its long, Waste of time

Have you heard all the hype? Are you thinking you should give this book a go since everyone claims it's a masterpiece? If so I would recommend you buy a double-barrelled shotgun and shoot yourself because that's a lot quicker and less painful than having to endure this DIY torture book. I have to say that I am totally flabbergasted by the number of people who actually seem to have liked this book, how is this possible.

What its about:

Slightly dim-witted midgets (hobbits) live in an idyllic ever-wonderful fairyland where nothing bad ever happens. That's until Bilbo Baggins and his nephew (Frodo) get entangled in a web of intrigue and magical going-ons (courtesy of Gandalf) that will have far reaching consequences! So begins the dullest story in the history of dull stories. "... For a moment Theoden and eomer and all his men stared at them in wonder. Amid all the wreck of isengard this seemed to them the strangest sight. But before the king could speak, the small smoke-breathing figure became suddenly aware of them, as they sat there silent on the edge of the mist. He sprang to his feet. A young man he looked, or like one, though not much more than half a man in height; his head of brown curling hair was uncovered, but he was clad in a travel-stained cloak of the same hue and shape as the companions of Gandalf had worn when they rode to edoras..." And so it continues the endless redundant detail into eternity.

I can't even begin to explain the sheer mind numbing power exuded by this book and if I could it would lead to you losing the will to live no doubt. Frodo the simple 'oh so cute' protagonist has to hide the One RING "to bind them all, to rule them all" for his purity is so powerful it will not be corrupted by the dark evil corrosive damning powers of the ring. Alas ancient Evil has awakened and has nothing better to do than to kick some dumb pathetic Hobbit ass. But no!!!! The stupid weakl
ings manage to thwart all the massive powers stacked against them and against all the odds manage to save the universe from irreversible damnation, jolly bloody good old boy, well done, how very droll.

Oh lest I forget the feisty Dwarfs (not hobbits) with their axes and the Giant immensely powerful yet slow-witted tree people and the beautiful albino white puritan semi-eternal elves that are the antithesis of their black shadowy evil counterparts that are utterly filled with lust, want and hate. Finally there is the pathetic golem made immortal, evil and monstrous by a century old act of murder and avarice. This repulsive portrayal of modern day morality is beyond sickening its childish and worthless. Throughout the reading of this book I don't think that I cared for a single character nor did I encounter a single plot twist or tension as to the outcome.

What I thought:

For a start the book seems to have been written by a ten year old obsessed with using his new thesaurus, this book is so dull as to make a Labour party conference seem exciting and new. The book (trilogy) might possibly have been original at its conception but if you have read even one other fantasy book or seen one fantasy movie, then this book holds not even a single surprise.

That the book is so unoriginal can't really be held against it since it was written so long ago, but the fact that it's so badly written with no attempt at suspense or anything that would make you want to read on, is quite unforgivable. I only managed to read the trilogy through sheer bloody mindedness, in the vain hope that the end would justify the means, which is like shooting yourself in the head to see how it would feel.

Despite all this the book does have a few interesting characters, some rather excellent battle scenes and quite a few amusing/interesting poems. This does not make up for having to read a 100 pages describing a 10-mile trek through the jungle wh
ere absolutely nothing, whatsoever, happens and Tolkien seems to take delight in describing every last leaf on every bloody tree and shrub and what ever else he happens to find in the book "Unnecessarily long plant names and descriptions". This obsession with redundant detail is not confined to just a small section of the book; rather it permeates the book in its entirety, making it a painfully dull read.

I read the hobbit before LOTR and I quite liked that, except it was a bit childish (think a badly written Harry Potter) and I thought well I might as well see what all the fuss was about. I read LOTR when I was 18, about 5 years ago and there are days when I think maybe I read the wrong book or maybe I just read it wrong (?) because everyone who has read it seems to love it. My theory is that, the people who like LOTR are the sort who rarely read books and who have probably never read another fantasy book. Just because you're the first to do something does not mean you're any good at it, if that were the case England would have the best tennis/rugby/cricket/football players and we would all be driving T-Model fords.

What I recommend:

If you want to read good fantasy try GRR Martin (I know), if you want a good classic try dickens, If you want to read something entertaining, well written and don't care too much about the label try Iain Banks you won't regret it. Whatever you do though avoid this book like the plague.

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