| Product: |
Manhood - Steve Biddulph |
| Date: |
17/11/05 (473 review reads) |
| Rating: |
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Advantages: Many...
Disadvantages: None really, apart from the simplicity which in this case is relevant!
Like every woman on this planet (or so I hope), I have always been intrigued by men, but not until my son was born, did I realise how much I loved men and how little I understood about their internal mechanism.
Coming from a rather chauvinistic and sexist culture, where woman are viewed as “lesser beings” than men, I had often felt that the… what shall I call it?... unfairness flowed in one direction, but suddenly realised that it didn’t. Well, not in the same way anyhow.
When I became a lone parent and the father of my son was away for very long stretches of time, I suddenly panicked about my lack of knowledge about boys and men and all the vicissitudes attached to both their physical and emotional operation and maintenance (it shouldn’t take a son to ask yourself these questions though!!)
So I began looking for books that dealt with this very delicate and somehow complex topic. I found a few, and “Manhood” was one of my favourites.
This book cleared many issues which I had long suspected and was overjoyed to hear another man confirm and expand: that men are delicate, sensitive, warm and more often than not, fantastic creatures, so frequently hiding under the disguises of rocks, false assurance or sex gods and regularly made to live their entire lives in this pantomime.
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“Manhood” was written by Steve Biddulph, famous for his books “The Secret of Happy Children” and “More Secrets of Happy Children” (co-written with his wife Sharon Biddulph).
He is also the author of “Raising Boys” (I have written a separate review about this book), a very interesting read for anyone who cares about little or older boys!
The book is 256 pages long (or short) including index, bibliography and all. It retails at £6.39 from amazon.co.uk but I paid £9.95 for it from one of the “major” bookstores.
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The book is divided into 12 parts, as follows:
1- The Problem
2- Seven Steps to Manhood
3- Liberation for the rest of us!
4- You and your Father
5- Sex and Spirit
6- Men and Women
7- Being a real father
8- Making school good for boys
9- Finding a job with heart
10- Real male friends
11- The Wild Spirit of Man
12- Men’s Groups
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The first chapter of the book starts with these words:
“Most men don’t have a life. Instead, we have just learned to pretend. Much of what men do is an outer show, kept up for protection.”
There is a stigma that has somehow been attached to men in these “modern day” societies. Part of it may have something to do with the women’s liberation movement, but I personally think that “the problem” is much older than that, and by no means am I trying to undermine that movement (give me a break, I am an Arabic woman, that should be a heavy enough guarantee!!)
For a very long time now, men have been expected to be a certain way and behave in a certain manner. To be males. No one seems to have bothered to explain what that may signify, apart from having an interesting piece of anatomy dangling between their legs (pretty useful as well!)
You will often hear expressions such as “be a real man”, “typical man”, “behave like a man”, “he’s not a real man” (imagine saying to your cat “you’re not a real cat!!” if he doesn’t chase mice) etc… which to me, make no sense whatsoever.
It may be due to the fact that I am still trying to figure out what a “real woman” is, but I tend to think more in terms of “what being a human encompasses.”
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Because of all these unspoken but clear expectations of them, many men grow up to shut themselves in. “Manhood” deals with the reasons why this may be whilst giving some guidance as to what to do to overcome them. Often, just understanding the reason for which you do something (unconsciously perhaps) is the first door to freeing yourself from the trap.
The book states that the “three enemies” of men are: loneliness, compulsive competition and lifelong emotional timidity, and throughout the book, these subjects return at one point or other, and are explored in much detail.
Biddulph compares (in a very healthy way) the manner in which girls are brought up, to the education that most boys are “subjected” to. Indeed, whilst girls are often allowed to give full vent to their emotions, boys are usually encouraged to do just the reverse. The message that appears to be the clearest is that they should learn to be tough, to be the strongest and to always win, as well as avoiding in as much as possible to moan and complain too much. It is as though they are taught that having emotions is wrong and expressing them unashamedly, almost a sin!
This inevitably leads young boys to lock their inner feelings in from very early on, to avoid being called a plethora of names ranging from “sissy” to “chicken” to “mummy’s boy”. With time, this turns into an automatically mechanical habit, and the skills required to express one’s emotions are buried so deep within them, that proper excavation of them becomes almost impossible, or at the very least, extremely difficult and painful.
These boys will turn out to be “real men”, their own body being the coffin of their own feelings, which will take much more than Jesus to resuscitate.
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The Seven Steps to Manhood that the book refers to are the following, according to the author:
1- Fixing it with your father
2- Finding sacredness in your sexuality
3- Meeting your partner on equal terms
4- Engaging actively with your kids
5- Learning to have real male friends
6- Finding your heart in your work
7- Freeing your wild spirit
These seem quite self explanatory, and in fact, the subsequent chapters are thorough developments of each of the above points.
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A huge emphasis is put on the role of the father to form (or deform) his son’s life.
Whether one likes it or not, Biddulph proclaims: “Your father is the person who first and most powerfully “taught” you what manhood means. He did this by just being your father….”
I think this makes perfect sense in that, the first person a boy will want to imitate is his father (unless he is absent, it will be the next foremost masculine presence who will have this honour). Regardless of whether the father is a good or bad example, this will be the case; a young child does not make the difference between what is good and what isn’t; his father is to him like a god and anything he does (up to a certain age) will be worth copying. The father’s behaviour is “sucked up” by the child and will pre-determine the way he acts for a certain period of time, until other male role models take over, if they ever do, or until the experience of life itself, mould him into a new sort of man.
As boys turn into men, they will usually feel that their fathers have either taught them nothing or not the “right things”. Steve Biddulph encourages men to try and “sort it out” with their fathers, whatever the differences may be, he even goes to the extent of advising men whose father is deceased, to try and “sort it” out posthumously!!
Few men seem to feel that their father was a “Proper father”, a good father who was always available and helpful. It is not surprising that it should be the case, when the fathers were probably brought up in a similar or probably harsher manner than the sons; it is a vicious circle which takes a lot of strength of character to get out of, and a lot of help and affection as well.
Biddulph encourages men to try and get their fathers talking, to almost force them to admit certain errors and to make them talk of their own feelings. He states that the “father part” of a man’s life is an issue that needs clearing (if indeed it is not already so) if the man is to get on with his life without this cloud hanging over him.
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Two chapters are devoted to sex and the relationship between men and women.
Sex is talked about in a very positive way (or else I wouldn’t be writing this review, hehehe!), Biddulph refers to is as a “spiritual experience”, while emphasising that it should not be seen or felt as a bad or dirty thing, or a “foreign” part of you.
Growing up with a healthy view and idea of sex and the opposite sex (not the opposite OF sex) is the key to a having a future healthy sexuality. Unfortunately, it seems that most boys are made to feel that their curiosity about their own body, females (or other males for that matter) and sex is improper and worthy of punishment. Masturbation, “an essential and healthy part of men’s sexuality throughout life” as the author makes very clear, is not acceptable by most parents, and this can create a long lasting sense of guilt in the boy and the future man. Of course, it tends to lead to more furious episodes of the “punishable” act, but instead of helping a boy to develop his sexuality normally, it frustrates him, fills him with a sense of culpability which will hinder his possibility of finding real and “spiritual” pleasure in his future relationships.
Biddulph insists that talking naturally about sexuality to a boy, and helping to educate him about his urges and deep physical sensations, as well as giving a positive image of the opposite sex is vital.
The role of pornography (as opposed to “respectful” erotica) is also a topic that has part of a chapter dedicated to it, and Biddulph is of the opinion that it does not show the opposite sex in a good light. Indeed it only portrays the animal side of sex, and this may not be the best way at all for a boy to discover this world, which is new to him.
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A boy should learn from as early as possible, that women (or girls) are fully worthy of his respect and truthful affection. Without this, he will never make a good partner and will never find one silly enough to stay with him for too long.
The subject of man and women is painted in a very fair light. From the importance of listening to your partner, helping out on equal terms, being faithful, never making use of physical or verbal abuse, developing a loving relationship… to not letting yourself be “possessed” by your partner or never daring to give your opinion for the sake of “peace”; a long discussion about the above and other relevant subjects is ensued with, once more, reasons as to how and why such complications may arise and how to deal with them.
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Being a father is a very complicated and huge responsibility and learning how to be a good father involves a lot of knowledge, care and affection.
I will not delve too deeply into this precise chapter, as my review about “Raising Boys” went on sufficiently about it and I do not wish to be too repetitive, although I may already have; but I will merely reiterate the fact that Biddulph stresses the importance of fathers in bringing up boys; how a father can “create” a balanced man with the ingredients of love, affection, guidance, friendship, strictness and discipline, in the correct amounts, or totally ruin his son’s life for the foreseeable future.
As in every chapter, reasons and solutions are laid down.
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It has been known for many years, that boys have a slower intellectual development in the first years of their lives. This is why boys are more often than not the boisterous ones in the classroom and the playground.
There are many reasons for that, the main one being testosterone (please read my “Raising Boys” review if you wish to learn more, or buy the book!) which effectively renders boys more energetic than girls (not always though!).
Recognising that there is nothing wrong with that, and not making boys feel awkward about their energetic personalities is a step that all schools have to take, if boys are to feel happy and thrive in that particular milieu.
Helping them to channel this energy into positive activities is essential, while avoiding to encourage them to take part in sports that are too competitive, as these often lead to a sense of failure in frailer and less physically strong boys and can lead to bullying. The importance of taking part in a sport is to enjoy it, build up a sense of comradeship, and of course the physical exercise in itself.
Biddulph also suggests that more men should be employed by schools, and I fully agree with him. To see men as caring teachers and role models in their place of education can only help boys to blossom and feel more at ease in this environment.
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Chapter 9 is about the importance of finding a job that you enjoy and where “your heart is”. Whether you are a boss or a “mere mortal”, your place of work should be a place of fun and satisfaction and you should neither abuse nor let yourself be abused.
Chapter 10 and one which I found most interesting, is that of finding “real male friends” and not just “lads”. It is usually easier for women to make friends and talk openly about almost any subject, essentially feelings and personal themes.
Men, on the other hand, find it harder to make “real” friends, and usually the conversations will range from sport, to women (often with the use of very derogatory vocabulary), to the races, tv programs or more intellectual issues, but hardly ever about emotional or very personal matters.
This is due to the way they have been “pruned” of the capacity to express what they feel and usually don’t even know how or where to start. It must be extremely painful to be in this position, hence the importance of finding male friends who can understand the way that you feel and help you instead of making jokes about your fragile state.
Time and again, (male) friends who have known each other for years, will realise that for all these years, their discussions never once centred on what they were feeling; they may have shared extensive knowledge and have had “great laughs”, but there was always an invisible barrier between them as far as emotions were concerned.
Sometimes a smile, a pat on the back or a quick embrace can mean a lot. I think males have sensors all over them to detect the slightest sign of emotive manifestation and as much as they hate to admit it, they relish these moments.
“Having Real Male Friends” talks about the value of having male friends who are not constantly trying to compete with you or push you to prove that you are a “real man”; about the worth of a male friend who knows how to be affectionate and listen to you and your problems and not be out the door in 2 seconds when he feels that you may faint at his feet… and it talks about many other things also.
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The last two chapters: “The Wild Spirit of Man” and “Men’s Groups” are very spiritual in nature, in a good sense. I know that many men are freaked out by the utterance of the word “spiritual”, but perhaps they should learn to explore it further, it bears many connotations which I dare think they may find of profound interest and meaning.
“Men’s Groups” is precisely about that!
“The Wild Spirit of Man” is about the importance of nature to men (and women as well, but as this book is about Manhood, well…) and Biddulph talks to an extent about “male initiations” in different cultures and the relevance this had on their “entrance” into the adult world of males. It is, as I have said above, a very “spiritual” chapter.
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Whilst there are a few points I personally did not agree with in this book, most points were of very “useful”, “helpful” and I could even say “enlightening” significance.
There are many things I did not mention, but certainly, the purpose of this review was not to “spill” the whole contents out.
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading “Manhood” and have re-read it many times, or at least specific parts of it. I would recommend it very strongly to all males and females who wish to know more about themselves or their partners, friends, sons….
As I have said at the outset of this review, I originally bought the book to make sure that I was not vulnerable to messing around with my son’s upbringing because of my ignorance about his “mental, emotional and physical functions”. This book has certainly taught me a great deal about men, and in the process of reading it, the bud of my love for them has blossomed into a glowing bloom, which I now trust to be everlasting.
As a very personal note, my husband and I, although now very good friends, parted due to a reason which was extremely painful and quite humiliating for me, following a tumultuous relationship. I could very easily have fallen into the “all men are the same”, “a typical man”, “all men are b******s” trap; luckily, what remained of my past profoundly intense love for him, pushed me to try and understand why he had acted the way he had; I tried to find an explanation. Manhood clarified many of these reasons; whilst this was not going to patch up things between us, as I could neither change him nor had any desire to go back to him, it has helped me to understand some absolutely essential “essences” in men and certainly deterred me from repeating many mistakes that I previously made, in my future relationship(s).
I would encourage all women to read this book, again, just as much as men, and never EVER to fall into the “typical man” trap; there is no such thing as a “typical” anything, you cannot put an entire gender into one sack and throw it into the sea (this goes as a vice versa as well).
I am happy that I have read this book and others about men and I can confirm that I can count among my dearest and most trustworthy and loving friends, at least 7 males of which I can at this very instant think of. They all know and are not ashamed to talk about their emotions or listen to mine!
The reason I insist so much that women should read this book is that they may one day have a son (or already have one) and should be aware of the effect that hearing their mothers deride men can have on them as they grow up. As much as hearing a man talking disrespectfully about women can form their idea about this “gender” and create future complications and put downs of females, so hearing their own mother talk disdainfully about men and their father in particular, can make little boys feel bad about being boys and trigger a world of confusion and misunderstanding that will accompany and trouble them in their adult life.
As much as a woman should be complimented about her femininity and all that this word encompasses and made to feel wholesome in her incarnation, so a man deserves to be praised for his masculinity (and of course all the good things that this word also encompasses) and feel good and proud about being a male; only in this way, with mutual respect and admiration, can men and women ever contemplate to live in true harmony together.
© Lola Awada 2005
Summary: A simple and easy to read "Insight" into the world of men (or part of it....)
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