DIVORCE! (The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce - Judith S. Wallerstein)

Member Name: Aang

Product:	The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce - Judith S. Wallerstein
Date:	20/11/00 (83 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Well researched book

Disadvantages: None

Why did Prince Charles marry Diana when the two of them were not compatible? It occurs to me that at the wedding there was a look on Charles's face which said that all was not well. The worried, deeply sad look seemed to say, "I'm only doing this because this is what is expected of me."

The result (not inevitable but half expected) was divorce. And divorce can lead to great unhappiness....

The lessons to be learned? People should not necessarily grab the first person to come along who seems fairly OK; they should seek advice on compatibility; they should avoid being pressured into marriage.... and so on. If marriages are made in heaven, then they should seek divine guidance.

In some Eastern countries marriages are arranged by wise parents. Often marriages are arranged with money in mind! I don't recommend this, but there is a strong case for consulting wise people. "Do you think this person is likely to cheat? Is this person a total egotist? Will I still fancy this person after sharing a bathroom for three years?...."

And, when people are married, they need to be fairly saintly to keep the marriage going. And they need space. And from time to time they need time off. And maybe some counselling.

WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT DIVORCE?

Well, what about the effect on the kids? What about the poverty created? What about the social costs?

Teachers will tell you that when a kid has gone off the rails there is a 99.9% chance that that kid comes from a family where there is a divorce/separation/ or some kind of marital breakdown.

The NSPCC reports that sexual abuse occurs mainly in families that have broken or reconstituted and that marriage is the best protector for children.

In one American survey lone mothers reported a rate of severe violence towards their children that was 71 times higher than the rate among mothers who lived with fathers. (Sunday Times 26/11/00
article by Melanie Phillips)

All these thoughts of mine lead me to a new book about divorce:

"THE UNEXPECTED LEGACY OF DIVORCE" by Judith Wallerstein.

She claims she can prove that even conscientious divorcing parents harm their kids.

She carried out a study comparing (1)people who'd gone through DIVORCE with (2)contemporaries who had grown up in the same communities, in families that remained intact in spite of similar levels of CONFLICT.

She found that :

(1)the children from the broken families had a much harder time trusting the people they fell in love with.

(2)with divorced couples, the income that had been sufficient for one family unit, was not sufficient for two. Poverty was the result. Women were forced into full time jobs, giving them less time with their kids.

(3)children did not enjoy shuttling between two homes.

(4)Even if relations between the divorced parents were civil, children saw their family relationships as weak. Post-divorce households were less stable and in a constant state of confusing change. There was an ever changing cast of step-parents, stepchildren and half-siblings.

(5)The divorced parents were almost all emotional cripples.

So, DIVORCE may not necessarily be a good thing! But, is being stuck with the wrong partner in an unhappy marriage such a great idea? Judith Wallerstein suggests that trying to keep the marriage going is usually, even if not always, better than divorce.

Surely the best thing is to avoid marrying the wrong person in the first place!

Sounds easy. But is it?

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