Playing Retarded Santa Claus (Choreographer)

Member Name: Cammij

Product:	Choreographer
Date:	19/07/02 (116 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Fun, good exercise, communicative

Disadvantages: ugly people

I live to dance. And the only thing more rewarding in this world than cutting the rug with every eye in the gin mill on you is having everyone watch a group of performers doing the steps I orchastrate and choreograph. To me, that is fufillment and happiness.

I basically never was really professionally trained as a choreographer. I mean I wish I could talk (lie) about going to SUNY's performance art program or talk about the Kirov Ballet. But the fact is I learned everything that I ever knew from watching a lot of television. And that is Ok.

So what have I choreographed? In my (sexually ambiguous) highschool days I helped choreograph "Oklahoma" and we did a heavey metal musical based on Arsenic and Old Lace that featured the live music of Judas Priest (unfortunately at that point Judas Priest had some dignity, nowadays I could hire those fellows to play for a few bob). I did all the choreography except the fight scenes. I also do the choreography for the local Hungarian Societies dance troupe. Let me tell you this, our kids can dance the ass off these Micheal Flatly wannabes but we don't have a "Riverdance-level" marquee event featuring Hungarians in this world else my work would be more prominent. But the Hungarians just get swept under the rug even though our kids work harder and dance better than the local Micks, if we had some Krzstozf Somogyi or somebody off broadway dancing Hungarian folk, I would be damn famous.

I also did all the choreography for a group of guys at work called the Station people. Basically we had five guys dress up like the various crafts on the railway and sing reworked Village People songs. I changed the lyrics myself to represent inclusiveness, safety and teamwork. We were damn good. I ought to sell the videos on E-bay. But we went to the terminal superintendent and did our show for him. He watched it, complimented us on our meaningfulness and then looked me right in the eye and
said, "van Nol, your file says something to the effect that you are married and we all heard about your wife splitting on you, and now she's back right? So based on that, I am going to tell you that I like your act but it is just, for a lack of a better word, too gay" The man said that. Did he ever stop to consider that the other acts they had at safety convention were, "Too straight?" I was never so offended in my life. This is an educated man doing this, a person trained to deal with a multicultural society and a diverse workforce telling me my act was too gay. I hate him.

My best work ever was about 6 years ago. I was with this girl that I will call Lisa. She was fat, but she wasn't fat when I met her, maybe a bit husky in a Germanic Earth Mother type way but not outright fat. Then as you roll into your second year together your mother and sister (my sister has to wear skis in the shower lest she go down the drain-at least until her ex-husbands father signed for her loan to get fake boobs) so tactfully point out things like "You ever notice Lisa always gets a lot of new clothes and you don't see her old ones?"

Anyways Lisa had some meaningless job working with retards which she got paid liek $8 per hour to do. They gave her some title and business cards so that made her a professional, at $8 per hour. Basically she would drive around to the various council flats these bastards lived in and made sure they were complying with rules like having the smokers keep a five gallon bucket of water by their rubbish bin. She made them take their meds and took them to the bank and stuff. A couple of them were real gems and she would always have me go with her to the one house where this guy would argue that she wasn't his boss and he always had all these dumb poor people at his house that were just about retarded but not retarded enough.

We always got stuck with retards on the holidays. I mean on
ce or twice is one thing, and you can feel good inside for reaching out to these...these...these..creatures. But about the third Christmas of sitting with some Downs kid (BTW that kid Corky on the Telly was faking. He came into the bar my sister dances at and was acting normal) who keeps saying, "you're my buddy", you get fed up with these retards and there antics. The only fun thing was the retards that were institutionalized at some point and the stuff they do to each other.

So Lisa thinks she's the bigtime Mental Health MRDD or whatever all star and she is going to show the world what for and maybe get a raise to $8.25 per hour by putting on a big Christmas show, or rather a Holiday Extravaganda since a lot of Jews are into this stuff and don't like Christmas. She decides that she will have a retard Christmas show and endeavors to teach these people to dance and sing. Well guess what that gets me? Like my work is something that can be dispensed on a batch of retards? I work magic, dammit, and I can only work with the best and now she has me trying to teach a bunch of these creatures how to line dance to the twelve days of Christmas?

At any rate we put a show together and it all revolved around this Santa Claus guy explaining Christmas around the world which was nice in a multicultural sort of way, of course there was no rference to the risen Christ who the retards will be first to tell you "made me special this way" but I went along with it. The Santa was a guy who actually had his lucid moments and came across as a normal person at times, like at the Bowling alley and pub. We had shook down a local costume shop to provide free suits and we took this Larry in for his final fitting and teh shop owner saw he had scabies and freaked out. He said we couldn't have the sillie suit if the guy with scabies was going to wear it. Larry had no idea. Lisa is crying, saying that she spent half her budget on Brioche and
couldn't afford to pay for a costume at the other shop.

The solution? After I spent a month teaching a bunch of crippled retards how to be elves in a toyshop, how to be Sinter Klaas (I had no trouble finding a Zwaart Pieter), how to be sugar plum fairies with Father Winter or whatever them commies had. This is what I have? No show without Santa, hell no? If I wanted any more of that fat ass, I wasn't done. I quickly wrote Larry in as a pointsettia and guess who became Santa. I went out of town with Popeye and practised being retarded at stores and stuff, I learned how to yell,"I'm not retarded you are retarded" and stuff like that. I got diffent glasses and took some of my grandpa's clothes. I think I made a good retarded Santa.

Well anyways choreography is fun and exciting. You can learn this job by watching MTV and VH1 but turn off the telly when Kylie comes on. I also teach the strippers at the Landing strip how to dance but that is another story. Dance is an art and a form of communication. It is a language all by itself. I can't begin to tell you how much sex I have got off people by teaching them dance moves and copping a feel while showing them what to do. Guys and girls both, and just not gay guys, straight ones too. They like it. It is just like the movies.

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